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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


at wits end

17 replies

OurMiracle1106 · 06/05/2016 12:29

First of all I am not annoyed with the adopters. It is social services I am angry with. Every contact letter I have to chase it can be sitting with them for 3 weeks before they check it. it is always down to me to chase constantly

And now This time they have had a drawing sent by the adopters for over 2 months 8 emails in regards to it and still nothing back

I'm complaining I can't take no more

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Kewcumber · 06/05/2016 15:10

Lordy you do have constant problems with them, don;t you.

I think you've been very patient - I'd complain too.

OurMiracle1106 · 06/05/2016 15:58

I have had nothing but problems from giving out my address despite a court order preventing this to my violent ex who had stabbed me to now

I'm actually at the point of wanting to take legal action against them and go to the press

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fasparent · 06/05/2016 22:51

Would seek a 3rd party too act as a advocate on your behalf, perhaps seek advice from you MP at the local surgery., or seek advice from Coram legal, transfering too a new 3rd party too administer would may be a worth while alternative.
Know from your posts you have been very brave and have greatest respect for you, sure others you consult would be of the same opinion .
Wish you all the best so sorry all is not as it should be.

Kr1stina · 09/05/2016 09:31

I'm so sorry to hear this Miracle , it's so unfair and you don't deserve to be treated like this .

But, and I wish I didn't have to say this , I strongly advise you not to complain. SS are very VERY vindictive towards complainants and they have long memories .

You might think there's nothing else they can do to you but there is. They can create even more delays, " lose " letters and photos , document that they have given them to you when they haven't .

They could recommend that letterbox contact is stopped " because you can't handle it / find it too distressing / it's affecting your mental health " .

They could tell the adopters that you have made threats are unstable and get the adopters to stop it . They could say they think you are a risk to them .

And there's nothing you can do about any of this , because it's " professional opinion " .

If you request to see files, they will have them redacted .

In the longer term, if you ever have another child ( or cohabit with someone who does ) , they could seek to have that child removed .

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear . And no doubt some SW will pop in to say that they personally would never do this so therefore it's never happened to anyone ever in the UK . But that's bollocks .

The very worst crime to a SW is not neglected or abusing a child. It's disagreeing with them, which they call " not being cooperative " and it's grounds to lose your child. Or in your case, to lose the contact you still have with your child .

I'm sorry, I know they sounds very defeatist but I think you have to put up with it . Complaining is a very high risk thing to do .

OurMiracle1106 · 09/05/2016 12:22

It seems like they can do what they like in regards to me being a risk they asked the adoptive parents in March for face to face and it worst was to come surely I could take it to court to get contact

I wouldn't want to do this because it's unsettling for the adopters but I would

And their professional opinion is one thing as to my mental health but a psychiatrists opinion in court should hold more weight

I've never been abusive all my communication are via email so I have a record of what's been said and when

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OurMiracle1106 · 09/05/2016 12:31

Maybe the problems I am having is why birth parents don't maintain contact. We are trapped in a bad situation with no way of getting any help to improve it and then they can say we don't bother to communicate with them and we don't want contact

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OurMiracle1106 · 09/05/2016 12:40

I should also add I always collect from them letter box and this is always arranged via email.
I wanted to keep record of when I actually got it etc

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Kr1stina · 09/05/2016 12:44

Yes they can pretty much do what they like to anyone I'm afraid .

Yes you could take it to court if you still have parental rights , but the court will believe the SW account of events rather than yours . But I thought the adoption order had been granted already ? Unless the court ordered contact ( not just recommended it ) then you don't have leg to stand on .

I don't think for one minute that you have been abusive in any way . But by making a compliant against them , you have become ( by their definition ) uncooperative and not working with professionals and not taking professional advice .

You are falling into the trap of thinking that it can be settled in court where it's evidence based and the rule of law applies, where you can call expert witnesses such as a psychiatrist and you have a right to hear the case against you . It's not like that .

When its at their discretion, you have no rights at all . It's entirely up to them.

I think you are right about how birth parents are often treated . I know it doesn't help but they treat adopters exactly the same way, as soon as the child is adopted.

OurMiracle1106 · 09/05/2016 13:05

In the judgement order the judge ruled that contact should be twice per year via letterbox. They also added that face to face should be fully explored with adopters however should they not feel comfortable this shouldn't prevent a placement

My son has been adopted but recent changes to the adoption laws mean I could go to court for contact after the adoption order has been granted

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Kr1stina · 09/05/2016 13:17

That's excellent news . Does the order give any more details than twice a year by letterbox ? Anything about timing ? ( coz that's your concern I think)

OurMiracle1106 · 09/05/2016 13:22

It doesn't give timings. Social services provided an agreement which states February and August each year. How enforceable that is I don't know

It's more the fact that they don't even return my emails!

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Kr1stina · 09/05/2016 16:07

I know , and it's the complete disregard of your feelings that's so upsetting . You have lost so much and all you have left of your son is your memories and this tiny amount of contact. But they CBA to drop you a one line email .

I am Angry on your behalf

I hope it works out for you to have face to face contact . I had this with one of my children and it worked out ok , although BM had found it hard to stick to the agreed boundaries .

Personally I found it easier for my child to deal with real BM rather than fantasy BM, especially during the school years .

My child decided to not have FTF contact for a while, because BM couldnt stop herself using it for her own ends rather than the child's and child got fed up with the emotional scenes / dramas / manipulation.

So it wasn't easy but overall I would say it was of benefit to the child and to us and I hope it was for BM too .

it's different if there are safety issues , but we didn't have any - BM knew our address, where child went to school etc and she never abused that trust in any way.

SpookyRachel · 09/05/2016 20:28

I'm sorry to hear this, OurMiracle. You have been through so much.

OurMiracle1106 · 10/05/2016 10:56

I had thought through very carefully the emotional impact on both myself and my son. Initially I wanted to see him but him not see me as I didn't want him to see me if I couldn't manage my emotions.

However this is not even being considered. I'm trying and doing everything right and still getting no where

I can honestly say when I'm getting nothing because of social services I can understand why birth parents would contact adoptive parents directly and vice versa

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OurMiracle1106 · 10/05/2016 11:07

I have just received an email from the social worker to say the vaguely remember something about the adopters saying they were going to post it but that was before the social worker went on annual leave (which time?????)

I have an email from the social worker dated 7th April saying the adopters had posted it the day before cos the original never arrived

It's over a month and apparently "they haven't seen it"

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Poppystellarcat · 10/05/2016 12:16

I just wanted to say echo what everyone else has said, you are being treated very badly and I am also Angry for you.

As an adoptive parent I really appreciate my daughter's BM writing back to me, I know that she does it regularly but if often takes 2 or 3 months minimum before SS pass her letters on. During this time I feel anxious and stressed and worried that something has happened to BM that means she can't or doesn't want to get in touch, then when I receive her letter I know that it has been sat with SS for ages. I can only imagine how horrific this wait must be for BPs. You already do an amazing and difficult thing by writing back to us. Hang in there.

OurMiracle1106 · 10/05/2016 12:47

It's very frustrating hence I would love it to go via a solicitor so it's quicker for all involved

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