Two excitements in one week, what to choose!

[mumofblueeyes]

Hi lovely folks. We are off to panel in April for a beautiful little person who is approaching 3 years. We have been given a panel date and a proposed introductions date. These will be 2 weeks due to the anxiety levels. The slight issue is that my Other Half has a trip away booked for the following week, so about 5 days after Intros have ended. It will be 3 nights long. It is a team trip to a remote island location and they have been planning it for a year, having meeting and making plans. It's a wilderness type expedition that money can't buy and he was excited to go on, due to the specialist instruction etc. They are canoeing and all in pairs (in the boats) so if he drops out they will have an odd number. I am very confident in being able to meet LO's needs and my mum lives with us as well so will be around.

So the quandary is my dear friends - should he go or should he cancel??!!

So, the point has been made, over and over, and the OP would like time to think about it. If more and more people restate the same thing over and over it can be overwhelming and stressful for the recipient, not helpful as they are about to start their new role.

OP, you will be the parent so it is for you to trust your instincts. Maybe the best thing is to not cancel now, as the dates may change anyway, but warn the work colleagues that the likelihood of needing to cancel is high and try to find a replacement who could step in? Chances are youll want to cancel but if it is left open then that eases the stress.

I gave birth to my dc, and if I try really hard to remember back I would not have been happy to be abandoned after a few days, and would have read the riot act if I had had the energy, but like most parents you forget really quickly and so if asked now I would probably be very laid back about it, until forced to remember.

not helpful as they are about to start their new role

FFS. It's a month or two away. I'm sure OP will be over having been given opinions when she asked for them by then combined

Always so helpful when people turn up to tell us they have no experience of anything adoption related but would like to point out where we're all going wrong though...

Sorry if I misunderstood your follow up post mumofblueeyes it read to me ike you were saying that you had plenty of experience of LAC and weren't naive so I read it as not wanting to "hear" those who'd cautioned against. It's sometimes difficult to hear tone in a written post.

I think those who sound a bit horrified (including me) might be doing the equivalent of "shouting" because if it's the wrong decision, you will forever more beat yourself with a big stick about the decision when you could have avoided it.

The fact that you are quite breezy about asking and justifying how your mum will be there/your DH isn't the primary carer etc shows that you really don't have a real grasp of just how traumatising a move can be for a child. In fact I would say not "can be" but "frequently is". I don't think this is unusual - I think that as prospective adopters we pay lip service to the idea whilst not really owning the problem properly.

I look back and wince at how smug I was about DS's transition when once I knew him I realised how very out of character some of his behaviours were, how traumatised he was and how very much I regret doing some of the things I did.

Most people on this thread are not drumming in their point of view because they particularly want to overwhelm or stress you but because we really wish someone had said the same to us.

Or at least thats how I feel.

What kew said.

The little boy in our photos from intros/early days isn't my little boy. He's visibly unhappy. Not sure why I couldn't see it at the time but I know others say the same thing. And he screamed at night for weeks. And I think we had a very straightforward 'textbook' transition.

Have you spoken to your SW about the trip? - I suspect not as you would be told that it should be cancelled. And I would agree.
Before introductions, I would have thought like you (in your situation) - I was also very confident that I could meet LO's needs. But this was because I had no idea of what those needs would be. You will need your Other Half to be at home to help cope with the immediate stuff. Your LO will need your Other Half not to be absent for a whole host of other reasons.

Another saying don't go. Intros are hideous, even when you think they are going swimmingly. The grief is so constant, you don't realise till it passes that your child was totally immersed in it, terrified and really not happy. Even if they are superficially smiling. And you will be fairly battered too.
My easy to place, no issues baby screamed every time I disappeared. Literally, I couldn't bend down out of his sight line without him melting down. I had to take a flask of hot water into the living room every morning as I couldn't go to the kettle during the day. I remember posting asking how to eat when I couldn't go to the kitchen. I was advised to make sandwiches which was all I could do. It wasn't like I could even carry him around with me (which I tried to do) as he wasn't impressed by me trying to carry him either. Basically he wanted to be with me but nowhere near me simultaneously.

Combined, the OP has asked for opinions and that's what is being offered.

Ok I am going to give an adopted child's opinion here.

There is no way that after 2-3 weeks your child will breeze through this separation. Please do not minimize their loss and need for bonding and consistency.

My dad travelled on business throughout my childhood those separations were hard. There was always that deep rooted fear he may "be leaving me too". I would play up terribly just before he went, whilst he was away and then physically cling to him for hours when he returned..

And this was years and years post adoption.

Please don't do this to your child.
They deserve and need both of you with them as much as is humanly possible.

You also risk disrupting the early bonding and finally the question to ask yourself is
"do I want to make my child feel like they have been abandoned or left again?" As this is truly how they will feel.

It's all been said already really. Potentially traumatising to your child for him to seemingly disappear for 3 days so early on, and SS really are going to question your commitment to adoption as they will perceive it that you're prioritising a "once in a lifetime trip" over your child. Also, you are really going to need his support, primary care giver or not.

Thanks for all your comments. Really useful. Our social worker is on leave at the moment but we are going to see if we can postpone for a week or so (start dates were a little vague in the first place) and if not, cancel the trip. Thanks again for all your comments.

I feel so sorry for this little person that the people who are meant to be looking after them forever are prioritising a holiday. A holiday.
This person is not an "excitement" they are a living breathing entity with needs.
There are thousands of would be adopters out there who would prioritise this person over canooing and wilderness activities.
Please think really carefully about whether you are ready for adoption. Me i'm blowing out weekends with much loved mates left right and centre, DH has turned down promotion. Nothing, NOTHING is more important than getting little one home and giving them our all.

Posts like yours PicaK are so disappointing. You know nothing about me or my fantastic family and yet you are judging if I am ready for adoption. Surely the social workers have worked out that we are as have the panel who gave us a yes just a month ago. As my post yesterday explained my partner will be cancelling the trip if they interrupt Introductions. Your rude post was totally unnecessary and judgemental. I thought the adoption area of Mumsnet was better than that.

I don't think the holiday is being prioritised over a child's needs. And the op seems to have taken on board the advice she's been given.

So sympathy for the child might be a smidge OTT maybe?

I don't think this is a particularly judgemental bit of mn op. And you may well need it once intros start so maybe give it another go?

You are extremely defensive OP.

Well she's just been told someone feels sorry for her child. I reckon most of us might summon up a bit of defensive under that circumstance...

Apologies , MumofBlueEyes, i was rude and aggressive - been reading AIBU too much and you're right that's not how the adoption board should be. Sorry.

Oh god no don't read AIBU. It's BVVVVVVVVU

Thank you PicaK. I appreciate that. For those that felt I was being defensive I was being told that someone felt sorry for the LO I have been matched with. That's pretty upsetting, it has made me feel sad all day. The poster also said I should reconsider if I should adopt. Like most of us on this forum it has taken years of infertility heartache and then a long adoption process before we got to this happy point, so hearing that is also upsetting. I think most people would be defensive after those lines. However, we move on. PicaK has graciously apologised and I accept that. Good luck to all of you with your future dreams or current LO's x

Stick around Blue Eyes, you're just at the beginning, and this is a great place to post for help and support.