Two excitements in one week, what to choose!

[mumofblueeyes]

Hi lovely folks. We are off to panel in April for a beautiful little person who is approaching 3 years. We have been given a panel date and a proposed introductions date. These will be 2 weeks due to the anxiety levels. The slight issue is that my Other Half has a trip away booked for the following week, so about 5 days after Intros have ended. It will be 3 nights long. It is a team trip to a remote island location and they have been planning it for a year, having meeting and making plans. It's a wilderness type expedition that money can't buy and he was excited to go on, due to the specialist instruction etc. They are canoeing and all in pairs (in the boats) so if he drops out they will have an odd number. I am very confident in being able to meet LO's needs and my mum lives with us as well so will be around.

So the quandary is my dear friends - should he go or should he cancel??!!

Thanks for all your comments. I'm reading them out and they are really useful in helping us chat this through. Thanks to all those who took the time to reply x

I've been thinking about this and you really need to be seeing it from your lo's perspective. To you it seems like "two excitements"but your lo is potentially going to be grieving for everything they've lost. A "trip of a life time"over binding with your child??
You really need to put the child first.

In fairness to op I think it's actually completely impossible to understand being a parent until you are a parent. I don't know if you have bcs op so I might be completely wrong...

I remember discussing how we would arrange our skiing holidays with Dh before dc1 came along and, of course, we were going to leave the baby with my dps for a week and pop off to Meribel.

Needless to say dc1 is now rising six and my ski boots have been in the attic all that time. Not even a single night away has been had.

Sorry I think he absolutely needs to cancel the trip. Your LOs needs have to come first and three days into placement the last thing that should happen is a huge upheaval. His dad going away for three days could potentially be very stressful for him.

fwiw we cancelled a holiday booked a few weeks after placement and our lo was much much younger on placement. It wasn't a holiday of a lifetime admittedly but we still wasted a lot of money.

We spent the first years weeks promising LO (similar age) that we'd always be there, no matter what, forever and ever and ever.

I'm not sure how that would tally with one of us then vanishing.

Yes I am a parent and I also have 20 years working with LAC and traumatised children. So no, I am not naive. I am just trying to balance out how traumatising it would be for the child if a person they have never met until two weeks earlier (now named Daddy) goes away for a weekend (Fri,Sat & Sun night). I think 'vanishing' is a bit extreme. Child is at an age to understand concept of 3. Video made to say goodnight each night. Pre written Good morning letter opened each day. Primary carer remaining etc.

I don't think understanding concept of 3 is here nor there tbh.

You asked, everyone (or nearly) said cancel or postpone. No-one said 'I'm sure it'll be fine as long as... '. You might think of yourself as primary carer. LO won't.

Yes, she wouldn't have known OH til 2 weeks earlier, but right then, right at the point, LO's trying to make sense of who he is now.

The fact they are moving to a new home, with new people, two of whom they will have been emersed in during intros, will be traumatising just in itself. One parent then disappears for a few days, which could feel like a lifetime to a child in that situation..... will further add to the trauma/confusion. Your child has to come first. It's not compatible to having a birth child and then disappearing for a bit, your child will be going through hell trying to make sense of the situation. The more I think about it, the more I'd say he shouldn't go.

Yeah you're massively underestimating it there tbh.

And three days is a lifetime for kids.

OP, you are attributing rational thinking that a neurotypical child of three might struggle with, let alone a traumatised CLA. Don't forget the adopter's mantra of 'think younger', and lots of children can regress significantly on placement. My eight-year-old, a babe in arms when placed with me, can still regress to wanting to be cared for like a baby at times of stress. Also, working with LAC and traumatised children is very different to living with our children 24/7, without wishing to diminish your professional experience. No one here wants you to join the sackcloth-and-ashes brigade whose commandment is that thou shall never have fun again, because adopter's are a bunch of miserable, jealous dementors: we're simply trying to share the collective wisdom of our battle scars and experience.

And tbf my bc also feels it very very keenly if Dh goes away for a couple of days (always work related).

Doesn't sound as though you're convinced though op...

Thank you all for all your opinions. All most appreciated. Am just using a forum to gauge opinions to help a debate which we were going round in circles with. I am sure we will go with the sensible option. (No children were harmed in the making of this post :))

Why did you ask if you think it'll be fine?

I don't have 20 years of working with LAC and traumatised children - I do however have experience of parenting a traumatised child and I will never forget the look on DS's face when he realised in the intro's that I had come back (and hadn't left permanently). It was nearly 10 years ago and swear I will never forget it, it was the first time I realised the depth of his loss in any meaningful way.

Not all children will feel that way, some will no doubt be fine. You have no idea which category your child will be in . The one thing I think we (who have been through it) would probably agree is that every child is scared and confused at this stage and I'd avoid any unnecessary upset.

My opinion is that I wouldn't mess about at this point. If the trip is that important then you should delay the placement and take the flack form the social worker if there is any. You didn't explain the concept of the "anxiety" which could also be very germane.

And if you didn't want to know what my opinion is then you shouldn't have asked!

If you decide to go ahead anyway, I really wouldn't bother with the letters, my nearly 3 year old would have had no idea what you were talking about reading a letter, he probably hadn't come across one at that point. He/she won't be attached enough to your DH to care about letter IMO (though partly the point of not going away at this point is not disturbing the very early stage work you will have done on attachment) and I suspect skype would confuse them.

And 5 days after intros you really won;t feel like the primary carer to this child - in fact you're not necessarily likely to feel like it yourself.

Kew, not sure why you think '
And if you didn't want to know what my opinion is then you shouldn't have asked!'
I very much value you your opinion, which is why I have asked. I have thanked for all opinions at several points through the posts. Kew, I know you are a regular on these boards and I have always been impressed by the quality and helpfulness of your answers.

Also throwing into mix since you're still talking about it...

Your mother. So LO during intros is told that you and OH are mum and dad. And then dad vanishes goes on trip. And LO attaches to your mother? Then what do you do?

Your other child. But if new LO is clinging to you (and mine didn't let go for weeks, not even for toilet breaks), who is looking after other child? And I don't mean cooking tea, I mean really, really looking after at a very difficult time.

We have just been in a similar-ish situation OP. DH has 2 work trips lined up and whilst he could have chosen to do neither of them that would have made his life at work much harder this year than it needs to be - a situation we wanted to avoid as we want him as present at home as possible. He can just about get away with only doing one of the trips however. So our choice was - delay intros by 2 weeks or him go away for 4 nights just 3 weeks into placement once his paternity leave is up. This is our second adoption and he couldn't bear the thought of not being here after work on those days - even tho he will likely only see them for about 20-30 mins if the trains run on time! - and the potential impact that might have on both LOs post-placement so after discussing with our SW who was very understanding we all agreed to delay intros by 2 weeks. This was the right decision for us despite being quite heartbreaking and therefore will most definitely also be the right decision for LO in the long run. Good luck OP.

You've worked with LAC and you still thought/think it might be ok?

That's very strange. Surely you would know that it isn't.

Farrow and Ball. Just sometimes in life it is good to 'chat things through' - even in the electronic world - this is why forums on Mumsnet can be so useful. If you don't want to read about people sharing ideas and thoughts then I suggest you avoid forum type sites.

Silly response.

Of course MN is good for ' talking things through ' but you seem pretty sure that it's ok for your husband to disappear so soon after your adopted child comes home.

If I am so sure, why is my original question 'should he go or should he stay!'. Thank you to all posters who have given opinions without being so judgemental.

Just thinking OP that if it were me I would not be great with DH returning from trip exhausted, dirty with wet washing and sleeping through night terrors (mine and LO's) OR breeding back in full of the joys when I'm run ragged. Maybe you are nicer than me though😊

I'm wondering, and you are free to ignore this thought of course, as you say anonymous forums are for this sort of thing, if your ambivalence about the trip reflects your absolutely understandable. Ambivalence about the life event you are about to experience. You know, "Everything will be fine. We'll all cope. I can do it." VS "WTAF are we about to do? Is our happy family life about to be tipped upside-down?"
Comment meant kindly ☺

Sorry on phone should be breeding in.
My smilys look like they are blushing!

Ffs breezing bloody spell check

Sorry to say, mumofblueeyes, but after reading others responses I think I want to change my answer. People have raised some good points including the anxiety levels thing. Perhaps delay placement. Or delay trip?

It would be a shame for your DH to miss out on his trip but at the end of the day this is an anxious grieving child, your anxious grieving child, that we're talking about.