Advice

[stayflawless]

My husband has BRCA 1 (heredity gene) and I have PCOS.

We have discussed the options we have with our genetic councillor, we can either have a child naturally, meaning they would have a 50% chance of inheriting this gene and potentially dramatically impacting their lives at a young age, or we could have genetic IVF (once - which may be harder because of my PCOS) or we can adopt.

We have discussed that adopting might be the best avenue for us...

This is something I ever thought I'd be faced with but feel positive about stopping this heredity gene that has devastated our immediate family. We aren't ready to adopt immediately but I want to get as much information about feelings/emotions/bonding. Can anyone give me any advice?

Visit the first4adoption website. It has a lot of information about the process etc. You will have to leave 6 months between any fertility treatment and starting the process.
Good luck.

Our reason for going into adoption is different, but similar. I have a genetic condition that makes me more likely to have blood clots (I've already had several). Pregnancy would be difficult as all women are already at higher risk of clots when pregnant, plus I would have to start injecting medication rather than taking tablets. Added to this is the fact that it is not a gene that I particularly wish to pass on, along with many other factors.

At the end of the day all DH and I want is a family - they don't need to be genetically 'ours' for us to give them the love they need.

We're only at the very early application stage so I can't really help you any further than that.

Hi flawless and welcome. :)

Do you think you could be a bit more specific about your questions? Are you interested in how one builds attachment with adopted children or the quality of they attachment compared to the bond people have with birth children (which is a worry for a lot of prospective adopters) or something else? Or all of the above?

stayflawless I am sorry to hear about the medical issues.

Is the PCOS relevant because it can affect getting pregnant or because you don't necessarily want your child to have a risk of this (of course only relevant if you were to have a girl).

I don't know enough about the genetic IVF (and don't fully understand how it may be harder because of PCOS, I mean whether it would be harder for you to produce the eggs or harder for you to actually get pregnant - two separate issues if you were to have donor eggs or donor embryos) but I think you do need to explore the options and see which is right for you.

Adoption is a great option to become a parent, but things can be difficult at the moment, with very long waits, and I think it is best to go along to an information evening in your area and find out first hand what the situation would be for you before ruling it in or out for you.

There is another option I can think of (which I have eluded to) and that is that you attempt to have a baby with donor sperm or donor sperm and eggs or donor embryos. This option would eliminate the issue re your dh's medical condition, and if the child were from donor egg or embryo then posibly easier for you to not have to produce the eggs. Also the child would not risk inheriting your PCOS either, although it is not my understanding this is a 'serious' enough issue for parents to necessarily want to avoid (I know two women with PCOS who both went on to have two children each but in both cases experienced fertility issues/delays).

My experience is we have a dd (through IUI) aged 11 and a son (who joined our family by adoption aged 3) and is now 5. In the time between dd's arrival and the arrival of ds we had years of fertility treatment including donor eggs. This is costly and there is a wait involved, and for us this was obviously not successful. So you may well feel it is not for you, but I wonder if it is worth considering. Please do pm me if you want to know more. I am happy to reply here but if you post a question to me here, could you also pm me, please, because I don't check as often as I used to.

I also do not know how the costs of genetic IVF compares to regular IVF. IVF with donor eggs is about twice the price of regular IVF in this country, treatment with donor embryos is somewhere in between the two costs I think, and of course would not involve drugs to stimulate your ovaries, only drugs to control your system so it would be at the right menstrual stage for treatment. No idea how the cost is affected if using donor sperm, but we had ICSI (injection of single sperm into an egg) and again this cost more tha regular IVF.

Happy to also answer specific questions about adoption, if I can.

What ever you decide, good luck.

My dd is 11 now, obviously was not born aged 11 - !!!

I think OP mean that IVF is more tricky if you have PCOS. You are more at risk of not responding "normally" to the rugs and higher risk of ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome [bitter experience emoticon!]

Thanks Kew I thought as much. With donor eggs or donor embryos there is no ovarian stimulation, but as far as other aspects of fertility treatment are concerned I am not sure how PCOS would be affected.

we aren't ready to adopt immediately but I want to get as much information about feelings/emotions/bonding. Can anyone give me any advice?

The main problem in emotions is attachment problem. All of the children available for adoption have suffered loss and trauma . Many have been neglected or abused . Others are affected by alcohol and drugs and have a family history or learning difficulties or mental illness . Many of these things can make it hard for the child to attach to his/ her new parents.

Without mutual love it's VERY VERY to go on caring for any child, especially one with SN. It's like working single handedly in a school or hospital , 24/7, 365 days a year. But rather than being lauded for your selflessness, you are blamed for any problems the child has and judged for finding it hard .

The other emotional problem is grief . You need to give for the child you didn't give birth to, then grieve for the losses and pain that your adopted child has been through. You may need to grieve for the adopted child you didn't have and for the things that your child may never to Able to do . And it's very hard to let go of one attachment at the same time as making another .

This is also true for any child who has been attached to their previous carers.

Contrary to what some people might think, very few adopters find it hard to love an adopted child who is able to love them back . In the same way as you love your spouse or partner who is not ( usually ) a blood relative , genetics dont seem to matter .

This is a mystery to those who have never done it, who will often ask " is he your REAL / OWN child? " . They are convinced that adopters are " faking it " and our kids and families are not genuine or " the real thing " . That our kids are second best and our love is third rate .

We are not faking it. We love our kids as much as people who give birth to them . Yes we are real families .

Sorry I meant " It's VERY VERY hard "

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Neuroscience tells us that brains are programmed to seek out and care for our young - whether that's a baby we gave birth to or another child in danger. It's one of the reasons we are so evolutionarily successful (And the reason why baby bunnies make us go aww, we are programmed to respond to their cuteness and vulnerability).

These areas of the brain will be triggered by a child's need for you. It is a like 'falling in love' - these areas of the brain get activated the same as they do after you give birth and see your child for the first time. Chemicals come flooding in and there you go.

An adopted child may not give you that initial flood of love - but they might. Similarly, women with PND often worry that they did not feel that love immediately for their birth child.

Often with any child the love grows.

I'm not an adoptive parent yet as we are still in the linking phase. But honestly, my ovaries practically contract when I hear about things he endured before coming into care, or when I look at his photo or buy him a new toy. My DH has the same thing (without the ovaries bit). It's the beginning of a love affair, is the only way I can describe it.

Adoption is an arduous process - took us two hideous years of mistakes and problems. But we got there and with luck we will have a son in a couple of months. So it's worth it in the end but you have to go into it eyes wide open.