family disruption

[1to10andstartagain]

Hi
we have been successful in being allowed to be parents of a most gorgeous girl who moved in with last year,( now aged 2) adoption order has been granted and as a little family unit , me hubby and other daughter we are doing really well, we all love each other to bits. Have good friends around us and busy social life with friends and other children.

While the adoption process was going through my mother turned on me, we have never had an easy relationship and I believe she may have a narcissistic personality disorder (I don't say this lightly I am a mental health professional ) but things go calm and then flair up..

Social services are aware of my childhood and at panel "congratulated" me on surviving . My mother and sibling are in complete denial when I have bought things up , but others have witnessed their behaviour to me, I have got on with my own life and found my own happiness. (following years of counselling , again raked over by social services in assessment).

Just after our daughter moved in things got really nasty with my sister ( who I also believe has narcissism traits , not unusual in families with a narcissistic parent) who started a big family argument , I believe started because of the adoption and arrival of our daughter.( not liking our achievement , happiness and validation by ss). I have had very little contact and things are calmer because of this....... when i discussed counselling ss were quite anti as our daughter was newly placed.

Unfortunately I am feeling the strain of their behaviour, bit like grief ,have a little cry sometimes and was wondering if anybody could share thoughts on counselling support post adoption when the issue is not directly the adoption.

Poor you. I too have a difficult relationship with my mother and my brother - in fact, I hardly spoke to my mother in 2015 because of awful stuff she had said to me. And I communicated via email. It culminated in Nov/Dec 3015 and left me utterly bereft and v tearful. I didn't get counselling but I have lots of times in the past.

I am an adoptive mother but I see this as quite separate from adoption - even if recent events might have been triggered by the adoption. Can you not just go to your GP and get counselling? (I have accessed counselling both privately and on NHS and NHS were v quick to deal with my grief.)

I think it is important you look after you. You are in a highly emotional period, might well be sleep deprived and exhausted and you don't want to let your low mood get out of hand. Do you need to tell SS? I wouldn't. Don't call it post adoption counselling - just counselling.

Ps I have accessed counselling BECAUSE of my relationship with my mother at times...

Thankyou so much Hels20. we sound like we have a similiar history - that we dont want to repeat x my counselling was in my 20's because of my mother , And yes this is a very emotive time , i am obv tired and wrung out ..... but also feeling very lucky that i have my own small family ..... she is definately a fly in the ointment x I have decided against counselling because i dont want to do it because of them.

I agree with hels, it does seem to be completely separate from your adoption. Although if you think you might be depressed , you may have post adoption depression . And it's quite common to still be grieving for the children that you did not give birth to .

If you don't want to go for counselling, you might find it helpful to join one of the online support groups for people close to someone with NPD. There are websites for children of narcs and a long running thread here on MN, called " but we took you to stately homes " .

There many books too which you might find useful , there are links on the websites . I have to tell you that most people end up going no communication / contact ( NC) with their family, for their own welfare .

I'm sure you realise that it would be most unwise to expose your adopted child to any NPD relatives - if you cannot cope with them, think what it would do to your DD.

1to10andstartagain so sorry to hear your mum and sister are being so awful and have been for so long.

It is good that you recognise the reasons behind this, and I think it is important that you put yourself first in this, and decide what is best for you and for your family.

I completely think counselling is really helpful, having had it myself for a variety of things, nothing to do with my mum.

I am really unclear why social services felt counselling would be unhelpful, unless it was that this could stir up issues and concerns that could have hampered your bonding and attaching with your new child. Now you have bonded and attached well (I presume from what you say) I feel sure it would be appropriate to explore this idea of counselling.

I think it may be helpful, if you think it would be appropriate, to explore this in relation to assertiveness and whether it may be right for you to start to lead the 'agenda' within your family, e.g. to make demands - either you will behave in a certain way around me/us - e.g. fairly, nicely, politely, whatever, ... or we will restrict contact to email/post/phone/nothing/whatever.

Is your husband/partner supportive?

Just being nosy but did you say you had another child already?

I am only asking because we have a birth daughter and adopted a three year old boy when DD was nine (almost two years ago).

Anyway, back to the situation. I agree with Kristina and Hels.

In the past I would probably have felt that all issues could be worked on if the people involved wanted to work them out etc etc but the older I get the more I feel personally life is too short to have to deal with other people's issues. The fact you know why you mum is the way she is, or your sister is the way she is, doesn't mean in the long run you can help or change them, unless they really want that.... and it sounds like they don't because they are even denying this.

I am not sure but I am hopeful you may be able to access specific help about dealing with/escaping from family members with the specific issues your family members have. If you work in this field you will know and correct me if I am wrong!! I could be wrong but I just feel you are not the one with the issues, so I am not sure how a counsellor can help you unless they can help you to deal with the specific issues from the relatives. My own experience of counselling was for 'anxiety' and I learnt to deal effectively with the anxiety that my own mind was creating. I just feel you need the right kind of specialist help and I really hope you will get it.

oopse. pressed button too soon....

Other counselling I had was for fertility issues and also impulsive eating.

This has been so very helpful to me, which is why I am big fan of counselling.

But I am also aware the wrong kind, may not help, so I am sure you will find the right help, and don't ignore the prospect of post adoption depression, if you feel this may be an issue. I worried that this may be the case but actually it was quite tough at first, dd was a real pain at times and made it harder but when I got away from the fighting of the kids I was OK and over time I felt so much better. One thing that really helped me 'get back to normal' so to speak was spending time with my friends, getting out more, which I could not have done in the early days as ds (and dd) were so clingy.