Adoption versus ivf

[lugo40]

Hello
I'm wondering if anyone can offer and advice or wise words based on your own experience. We have male factor infertility and waiting to see a specialist to discuss options. We're researching options and just not sure ivf is for us... But feel were not trying hard enough if we don't do it. We're wondering if we should not push nature, accept our fate to not have a biological child but Persue having a family through adoption... Anyone offer any advice? Did you try fertility treatment or like us decide to go for adoption instead?

Thanks!

We were in the exact same position with male factor infertility. After lots of soul searching we decided that ivf wasn't right for us and took the adoption road.
We don't regret it at all. We're both fairly young so do have plenty of time to do IVF if we want too. But I don't ever think we will.

Biology wasn't a massive issue for us, we just wanted to be a family.

You need to do what's right for you both. Look on forums and do lots of reading on adoption. Parenting an adopted child can be very different to parenting a biological child. Most children in the system will have suffered trauma in one way or another. Some authorities are not taking on adopters who want babies as there isn't any.

Good luck with what ever you decide :)

We had unexplained infertility and did a number of rounds of IVF.

IVF isn't easy, the medical side is stressful, tiring, and possibly expensive. With no guarantee of success. But if you do succeed you will get a baby who's medical history and genetics you know. Once you have the baby I would imagine you can 'forget' about how it was conceived.

Adoption is also stressful with no guarantee of success. Adoption is always 'there' you can never 'forget' about it.

From a biological point of view, you probably can't look at adoption, then if it doesn't pan out, go back to IVF (unless you are young). But many people do get to adoption via IVF.

Very glad we adopted.

We had a similar dilemma to you, only as a result of recurrent miscarriages rather than infertility. We opted to go down the adoption route fairly 'early' in our journey (I.e after 3 miscarriages and without having done any investigations etc). Similarly to you we felt biology didn't matter and it was the experience of parenting/being a family that we were after. We therefore applied to adopt.

One thing I will say that we learned though our early research into adoption was how different that experience of parenting can be (from conceiving and parenting a biological child), so I'd be inclined to do loads of research before making your mind up. Some people for example are put off when they learn details regarding the difficulties adopted children often have, and even we had a wobble when we learned how much contact with biological parents is encouraged following adoption (when appropriate). How about going along to an adoption evening run by your local council - or pottering around these boards for a bit.

We were actually turned down as adopters, for reasons I accept and understand even if I don't fully agree with them. I was completely devastated - it's therefore worth noting that applying to adopt does not mean that you'll be successful and that can be really painful, particularly if you've got to the stage where you've seen childrens details and started forming little attachments.

Following our rejection we then went back to investigations re. the miscarriages and I'm now 23 weeks pregnant - keeping my fingers tightly crossed that maybe all will be ok. I think when I look at my little baby I will occasionally think to myself 'thank goodness they rejected me - imagine my life without this little child'. However I fully believe that had a child come to me through adoption I would have also occasionally thought to myself 'thank goodness for those miscarriages - imagine my life without this little child'. But that's my personal opinion based on my experiences, my understanding of adoption and my feelings towards adoption. It's hugely personal - and even you prob won't know for sure what's 'right' for you - probably because there isn't a right answer so much as what you end up doing will end up being the right decision if you see what I mean. All you can do is learn as much as you can about both processes and then follow your gut - terrifying as it is.

Wishing you all the best whatever you decide. Both journeys are tough.

Both DH and I have infertility issues. Consultant said IVF would be our best bet. However for us we felt it would be to stressful with limited sucess due to our combined fertility issues . So we have just started on our road to adoption. I think you have to think can you cope with the stresses either option brings as neither has a cast iron guarantee.

lugo40 we have a dd aged 11 through IUI and we tried IVF and IVF with donor eggs to have a second child. Many rounds of IUI followed by one IVF attempt with my eggs and two fresh and one frozen cycle with donor eggs all ended in failure and we adopted ds 20 months ago aged 3, nearly 4.

I am very happy things worked out for us but I would always advise you to be very sure you do not want to go down the IVF route before you reject it.

It is possible to explore adoption into your late 30s, early forties and beyond! In fact all adopters I have encountered bar about one couple were in their forties.

We adopted ds when both dh and I were 49. Normally fertility treatment works best when the 'egg supplier' (sorry but it is the age of the age that is key) is younger, so if you want to go down the IVF route then you are best to do it sooner rather than later. (May I ask how old you are, please?).

For me the treatment that worked with IUI was when I was late 30s. Having donor eggs meant that my age became much less relevant in the whole process, IYSWIM.

I am happy to answer any questions here or by pm.

I would say the most relevant bit in your post is when you say "...not have a biological child." The child would be your biological and genetic child. It is your dh who would not have a genetic link to the child. You know that but it sounds like you are taking on his 'role' in this or perhaps identifying with him and I wonder if this is because you feel your 'part' in it is not so relevant?

If you have a child biologically and genetically related to one of you, you would not just know half of the child's history and biology, which could be most helpful. (For me, if the treatment had worked, we would have had a child which was dh's genetic child and my biological child - so again we would have known half the medical history). But also with egg or sperm donors you usually know the history (and Likewise with our adopted child) but with a child you have had through a pregnancy you also know a fair bit more, the pregnancy history and many things relevant. You also know things about risks. Adapted children do sometimes arrive in your family with their own risk history of potential drug or alcohol abuse in vitro, and with experiences you may or may not know about. These are all things to think about and discuss with your dh.

It really is up to you and your dh, the desire to have a biological child for you, to experience pregnancy etc. Would you consider a donor embryo so you were neither of you related to the child genetically? Just a thought, dh and I considered.

If you do not go for treatment, might you resent your dh for not 'allowing' you to go through this - if you opt for adoption? Might he resent you for having a baby with donor sperm if you do go for treatment?

Please read up on all the factors and be honest with each other about how you want to proceed. It is a very big thing, a big factor, I feel, so you both need to know you are being totally honest and listening to each other.

One of the reasons you need to know you are 'over' your desire to have a child by pregnancy before you actually adopt is because adoption takes all your energy in the early days and the child's needs are paramount. So you need to be sure you are ready for the child and won't secretly be unhappy they are not your biological child. But I am sure you know that.

lugo40 good luck making this difficult decision.

Mintleaf good luck with the pregnancy, all the best.

Italian, OPs DH might be genetically related to child - just because male infertility is a factor does not mean OP would definitely need donor sperm.

Lugo - we came to adoption after 7 IVF rounds (I kept on pushing the goal posts...we were only meant to have 3).

I agree with everything above - but if you want a baby rather than a toddler or even older child, then you are highly unlikely to get that from adoption. There is a severe lack of children under 3 or 4 "available" - in part because of a couple of court cases at end of 2013 re B and re B-S.

Parenting an adopted child can be v different to parenting a biological child (or so I have been led to believe). They will almost certainly have some sort of damage - DH and I adopted - on paper - a pretty straightforward child and whilst it has brought be so much joy, we have had some challenges. Even people who adopt babies have had some problems - and the younger the child you adopt - the more uncertainty it brings - what really happened in utero? (Drugs and alcohol). What is the medical history of the family? So much is unknown.

IVF is intrusive but lots of people get through it.

I think if you are serious about adoption, be prepared to be challenged by the reviewing SWs as to why you don't want to go down IVF route, how you have grieved for your loss (not having a bio child).

Good luck.

wordpress.com/post/bessboroughchildwordpresscom.wordpress.com/2

Really worth having a read x

Hi all, thanks so much for commenting. This is such a hard time and such a difficult decision.

We have an appointment in February to talk about icsi and risks etc. once we know if it's possible then we need to know risks and then can decide if it's risks were willing to take just to have a child genetically ours. It's something we both think is not worth pushing for if there are significant risks involved and although internet is good would rather hear from the consultant in February.

Adoption is seyhing we've always been open to even before finding out about infertility. I work with looked after children so I know about the struggles and challenges they face. We are happy to adopt siblings and older children- no real desire for a baby in that sense.

What I am very thankful for is how close this has made our marriage, we talk a lot about how we're both feeling and I don't feel I could ever resent dh for something he has no control over. So far were both on the same page regarding adoption and fertility treatment. The difficulty is knowing when you stop thinking so but Ivf in order to start the adoption process.,I guess it's just something you know and hard to predict when that may be.

Hels20 re Italian, OPs DH might be genetically related to child - just because male infertility is a factor does not mean OP would definitely need donor sperm. Oh yes, good point, my apologies. That was a big mistake on my part, of course. I misread it and got it fixed in my head the wrong way.

If you can use your OP's sperm, however retrieved (and maybe ICSI if necessary) I would definitely consider this as a real possibility as many of my comments were based around using donor sperm!

lugo you said 'just to have a child genetically ours' is that how you feel about pregnancy too, etc, that it is not a big part of the process? Re 'risks' can you explain more, if willing to, what kind of risks? All parenting has risks. But some ar more seriou, e.g. risks to health from pregnancy etc.

All the best with whatever you decide.

It's unclear in your opening post whether you believe that your only route to parenthood should be via adoption because of some steering (for want of a better word) of nature. Many people have this view of IVF, that it is in some way interfering with nature and what should have been.

I strongly disagree but the point is that I'm not you, so you may feel differently!

We attended an adoption open evening and retreated in terror, to be honest, so I'd suggest going on one of those! At least you'll know what you're getting yourself into!

We start IVF in 2016!

Good luck Winterswan.

I think the evenings are intended to make sure only those who really want to pursue adoption, do so.

I've done a selection of both - assisted conception - IUI (successful), IVF (unsuccessful), and donor IVF with Icsi I think (unsuccessful) and adoption, (successful).

It's what is right for the individual.

I agree with Winterswan. that some feel "...IVF, that it is in some way interfering with nature and what should have been." and that this view is wrong. Just like anyone having a heart op or kidney transplant to prolong their life is not 'interfering with nature' but rather making a positive change to a life that is within their control (like reading glasses, hearing aids......).

But each to their own.

Hi Lugo: we went down the IVF route for similar reasons, after a couple of unsuccessful attempts we didn't pursue it anymore even though we could have done, we simply felt it wasn't right for us. Our journey to adoption was a lengthy one and many years after failed IVF. I think we got to the point where we wanted a family and for me, due to age and other factors carrying a child myself wasn't an issue for me any longer. It's a highly personal choice, I have no problem with IVF, but for us it wasn't going to be the way we would have a child.

I do think you need to be a place where you have moved on from the desire to be pregnant and give birth yourself, but this would be explored if you made a step towards adoption - ie had an initial consultation with an adoption agency. If you aren't sure yet then maybe continue to explore both options, take time to do a lot of research, talk to people who've done both, then ultimately you will know which path to take. Adoption is much, much more though than another way to have a child.

This thread has really helped me to see I'm not ready yet to make the decision about adoption, but the door is very much open. It's on my mind as a real option but before we need to see the consultant find out more about if icsi is possible, what it involves, risks etc and then have time to process. The slow processes are actually a good thing really.

I'm definitely not anti ivf. When j say risks I'm just very nervous of it all. I am a nurse and once worked in s neonatal unit and a large proportion of the babies admitted were Ivf babies. That may be just that hospital as it has a fertility clinic attached. Or maybe as it was ten years ago and things have improved ie the one at a time campaign. We're also nervous that maybe there's a genetic reason dh has severe oats , his sperm was never meant to fertilise an egg so by forcing it to with icsi what risks are you exposing the child to? And Is that worth the risk? All things to talk to consultant about and then spend time thinking over. I'm 31 so we have some time on our side.

As I work with looked after children now I know just what risks they have given there early experiences and exposures which led to them be looked after. And so many unknown risks.

I guess I can now see I am still in the information gathering stages and not at the decision making stage. I will visit this board regularly to read posts from others which may help and when time is right will go to an adoption evening.

Thanks all and a happy new year

Hi, I know this is an old thread but wondered if you worked out what was right for you? Everything in your last post sums up exactly how I’m feeling. Offered IVF in January and sort of feel like it’s what you’re supposed to do but I keep thinking about adoption a lot. Been to an evening event and spoken to friends who are adopting. Just seems like such a hard decision. Xx

Hi Zoobiscooby, I have just seen this thread and we were in a very similar position (the ivf or adoption crossroads) we have been through adoption and matching and will be bringing our little girl in January. The other day my partner and I spoke about IVF and remarked that no matter how hard the adoption process has been we have never once though we were making the wrong decision and should've done ivf. I feel the adoption process has strengthened us as a couple and has given us tools to be better parents. So if any issues do arise in the future we're better prepared. But I would say if your dead set on having the whole 'small baby' experience then it might not be for you (unless doing foster to adopt). As prep we read Sally Donovan's books to try and prepare ourselves for what could be. Good luck with your decision

We never did IVF. I come from a blended family and always knew lots of adoptive families. I can remember my mother's colleague bringing her baby home, when I was 8! So adoption felt completely natural to me. My husband's cousin is adopted, so he also had some personal experience. We didn't want to go through tons of procedures, superovulations and have to cope with the losses. Adoption felt like a sure thing to us and we never had the slightest doubt about the outcome.

I would read up on adoption as it is definitely not for everyone (I would do it again in a heartbeat though). I also found the documentary "One more shot" very interesting.

Thanks for your replies. I have never been able to take the pill and the combined one gave me a really bad migraine with aura where all my left side went numb. I know that migraine with aura puts you at slightly more risk of a stroke and I can't this out of my head. The mini pill also gave me migraines so I never took it longer than a month!! I have a really happy marriage and feel like I would be silly to do anything to risk that but then other days I think I am over worrying about only a small risk.

I always said that I would like to adopt when I was younger but i guess in reality it is a harder decision than I thought. It doesn't help that I am such a worrier. Have been referred to see a fertility councilor so I'm hoping that talking it through will help.

I will look up one more shot and the books you have recommended, thank you. Me and my husband listened to the radio 4 podcast on adoption and it gave us a lot to think about it. I know my husband would rather IVF first but at the same time he is very supportive and he will listen to how I feel and put me first.

LollySox - have you got your little girl home with you yet?
Thanks again.

There's no right answer to this question. We did enough fertility investigations to establish what the problem was and stopped there as I refused to consider IVF. This is the only read we were allowed to start the adoption process so soon after the investigations (about 3 months between). You have to be able to prove to your social worker that you've completely stepped away from any fertility treatment and come to terms with this before they'll even consider your application to become approved to adopt. 3 years later our LO has been with us for 18 months and we know we made the right decision. We know this because we have a relative who is pregnant via IVF and it doesn't bother us, we are just happy they're happy and looking forward to having another family member to love. For them though this is it as they want a child that is biologically related to at least one of them.

Yes Zoobiscooby we brought her home just over a week ago now. There's been a fair few difficult days but a few brilliant days too. I would say the posts from the "One-week-after-placement-can-t-cope-please-help" thread sums it up pretty well. It's bit like having a stranger in your home but on the good days it's letting me see how it'll be in the future.

We had 1 round of ivf, got pregnant and lost her at 20 weeks have to say it was the worst experience of my life. My dh wanted to try again but i just couldnt. We went on to adopt and i wished we had adopted earlier although if we had we wouldnt have our wonderful son. What i wanted to say is do your research carefully. Not all ivf is as successful as everyone thinks there is alot of factors at play. If you have to pay then that is another headache in itself. The whole baby making effort is an emotional affair and sometimes this can cloud your judgement. There will always be people and media saying they had ivf and got pregnant but there are also many girls i met at clinic on their 6th and beyond ivf procedure and still had yet to get pregnant. It seemed once on the ivf treadmill it is hard to get off because no one wants to give up on their dream. This is the side of ivf no one sees. However adoption is an equally an emotional rollercoster. Sw invading your life, judging through panels etc, the waiting to be matched. The first question is do feel the need to have a biological child or do you just want to be a parent. Tbh i would have had any baby, just to be a mother. Tip is do your research. Good luck xx

We never tried IVF and didn't even properly establish what the problem was. I had a miscarriage, we did some checks, they were not conclusive and then we moved on to adoption.

In retrospect I am very happy about that, because I could tell my children that adoption was not second choice for us. We did not move mountains to have biological children. We have had that conversation a few times and I can see how important it is for them.

Our children are perfect for us. I honestly believe no biological children could have been an as perfect a fit. Part of that is luck, but part is also knowing what is right for you and having a great social worker (luck again).

I have a friend who almost died of IVF, because her body overreacted to the drugs. She kept going and finally got pregnant with triplets. At some point during the pregnancy she developed a syndrome and there was a 50% chance that either she or all three children would die. All that to have biological children. That is an extreme of course, but my feeling is that the risks and side effects are either not talked about at all or brushed aside.

We approached a LA as adoption was our first choice and were told if we ever thought we might want to have any biological children or try, we should explore that first.

We didn’t qualify for any funding which was frustrating but proceeded. We went on to have IVF privately and were quite naive about our chances, mostly because they said my age (36 at the time) was not a factor but as time went on, it became one at 38/39.

I followed thousands of amazing women on Instagram who succeeded with IVF and after a few years I realised I was the minority, experiencing failure. It has to happen to someone. But I chose to believe I would succeed. Sadly, it wasn’t the case for us.

I had issues with my ovary location and failed egg collections that broke my heart with no eggs to even start the cycles. It also broke the bank costing thousands with nothing to show. I then had a surgery, another cycle and finally got eggs and 7 embryos - but all were chemical pregnancies. We were then advised to finally explore egg donation. That also didn’t work out for us.

With IVF it’s hard to know when to stop. We should have stopped after the first cycle but when you have already spent ‘an amount’ you feel invested like you should keep going. With every failed attempt you feel even more invested like you are throwing a coin, getting tails over and over but that the odds surely are in your favour to get that coin to heads.

After so many cycles and high doses of medication, I developed a huge fibroid that impacted my heath and severe endometriosis that resulted in the necessity for a hysterectomy.

I’m happy to say I’m post surgery and feel like my path should have always been adoption.

If I had my time again, based on my experience, I’d skip IVF and go straight to adoption. However I have friends who did IVF and it worked each time they transferrred an embryo who would say the opposite.

So, I guess it’s a very personal choice with no right answer. Hindsight is a marvellous thing we don’t have when making many choices.

Thanks everyone. I didn’t go for IVF in January. Trying to take some time out to think about it more. I think I’m at the point where I just want a family. My husband has said he will support me whatever but I know deep down he would prefer a biological child. He also sees no risk in anything and so has no health concerns about IVF!! 🙈 I honestly think if I adopted I would feel like a lot of you had said, like it was the right thing. Xx

Hi OP,
We were considered to be “young” adopters and most people on our prep courses had spent years tcc etc. I had 3 miscarriages, each requiring weeks of waiting/blood tests and inevitably hospital intervention. We were tested and found there was nothing genetically wrong with us.

I had, however, finished with trying naturally. Biology was never a big deal and we just wanted a family. Compared with others I know, we barely tried at all. It didn’t matter, we adopted and never looked back.