Baby boy born this morning

[Flower3554]

Hi everyone,
Just to bring you up to date, its two weeks today since my little one left and it has been so quiet here. All thats about to change though as a baby boy was born this morning and I've been asked to be his foster carer. I dont know any more details yet but I'll keep everyone posted.

Sometimes Kbear I wonder that myself

I decided many years ago to stop struggling with the attachment issue. My fostering department used to discourage carers from becoming too bonded with their placements in case it upset them when they left. Thankfully they are now more enlightened but at the time I just said "babies need love and I need to love them" nuff said and I deal with my grief afterwards.

I know from experience now that no matter how difficult and sad it is when they leave I do eventually recover and move on. Funnily enough whenever a family bring their little one to visit me (not all do this by the way) I don't feel as though I am still attached to the child because he/she belongs to them now.

Often when a child has been placed with a
family for adoption the family feel a degree of guilt, as though they are stealing your child, I always tell them to think about it this way: the little one has been loaned to me and I've been keeping him/her safe waiting for you.

You must be a fantastic person Flower. The children who come to you are very lucky.

Flower i just want to say that i'm moved by your kindness. What a wonderful person you are.
I have no idea how you get the strength to cope with the rollercoaster emotions.

Hi Flower

I have the local council coming out to see me as I have thought carefully about becoming a foster parent.I am a single parent to DS who is 14 months, but figured he will be nearer two after all checks etc are carried out.

Can I ask if you have ever done a mother & baby placement?

Hi, sorry, only just seen this. I haven't done a mother and baby placement and too be honest I would rather walk on hot coals I know carers who have done them in the past and won't ever again because they are so fraught with problems. Looking after LO's is one thing, you have a measure of control over whats happening, with the adult or mother , well, I can imagine!

Is this something you are considering?

To be honest I kind of didn't realise that this sort of placement existed - that makes me sound daft but I suppose i thought you would just look after the/a child/ren.

I have got Leeds City Council coming out and an agency as well so I can get as much information as possible. I've heard good and bad things about using the local authority.

I have been told that you always get a child who is younger than yours - does this ring true to you?

using - that sounds awful didnt mean it to sound like that!

You can choose what age group you want to foster. In almost 20 years I've changed my preferred age group a few times. I cared for children the same age as mine but I've never cared for older than mine because it was never practicable for me.

I think you should go for younger LO's because it doesn't upset the pecking order of your own child/children, but thats just my personal opinion.

There is a desparate need for carers of older children though, everyone (including me) wants the babies.

Have an idea of what YOU want to do and stick with it. I wish I had a pound for every time I have been told "oh but you would be so good at so and so" when it wasn't what I wanted to do.

I am happy to answer any questions and I'm up for the next hour or so.

I would say don't go into mother and baby placements unless its something you are really interested in or until you know more about it.

As a funny aside, ( think I've mentioned it on here before) I was once asked to take a LO and her dog!!! because she was never apart from it, it even slept in her cot. I said no by the way.

To the child or the dog!

Ill babble away then! Any advice would be great.

I think like you said until i have a few years experience M&B placement is not an option just yet. The reason I asked about the younger age limit is my DS is 14 months and I would not get any placements (as in everyone wanting newborns). I think to start with i probably wont know my preffered age until i find my feet. Im thinking at the moment no older than DS, and thats just because i know lots of older children not not cared one on one for anyone older than my DS.

The agency coming out is a one that a friend of a friend has recommended and they like to have a 3 year age gap - either way. The local authority have also asked to think about what type of fostering I want to do as in short term/emergency respite etc.

Its a huge decision i do realise, ive got lists upon lists with pros/cons as I am sure you did.

Not sure if I have asked any specific questions there but maybe thought out loud!!! Am going to sign off now as my lovely boy is one of those 6am rise & shine boys!

DH and I have always wanted to adopt teenager(s) when our own DCs have grown up. We have been discussing it again recently as we're also considering having a 4th child. Would we be too old? (I'll be 56 when my youngest is 20).

Both

You would be surprised at just how many younger/newborn babies do come into care. I've moved three on to adoption in just over 12 months.

Advice.... listen to what they have to say then take the time to think about what you want. Don't rush into anything. I "work" for a local authority and its sometimes great, sometimes pants.

Think about which age you really enjoyed with yours and give that age group a go eg newborn , 3 months, 6 months etc.

Can I ask what led you to consider fostering?
For us it was a segment on our local news about kids in care at Christmastime. I clutched at DH and screeched "we can do that" He responded " are you mad woman we've got three kids and you made me have my tubes tied" We laugh about it now, seasoned pro's that we are.

NorksBride, love the name,
I am 53 sshh and my DH 57 and we take newborns, you know the up all night, teething, barfing ones, plus my DH does contract work so often its only me and we manage.

You won't know if you don't ask, ring your local authority or independant organisation and ask. Teenagers are notoriously difficult to place so I think they will slaver at your feet.

it is very VERY hard to foster teenagers. sorry but teenagers in care are NOTHING like your step kids / niececs and nephews. unless your step kids are getting drunk, doing drugs, on the game, fighting, stealing cars, shop lifting, assaulting their parenst with offensive weapons, self harming, running away, have mental health problems etc etc

Gee that was positive. I used to be an alcohol & drug abuse counsellor and have more experience of juvenile criminals than I'd like. However, I know a pitiable amount about mental health problems but we would hope to work with the social services to get a good match. DH and I are not the sort of people who would be pushed into taking on more than we could handle either. We know our limitations.

Noerksbride: Are you sure you mean adopting teenagers rather than fostering? Is it almost unheard of for teeneages to be adopted. This is because most teenages don't want a new family particularly if they have recently come into care. The usual cut-off for adoption is about 8-10 years but varies depending on the child/authority. Most teenagers in care are fostered. Some children are in long-term care and are then adopted by their existing carers but i have never heard of teenagers being placed for adoption.

Whilst i applaud your enthusiasm for caring for teenages, those in the care system, particularly those with abuse histories or attachment problems, are more challenging than your average teenager. Depressing as it seems, 95% of children in care have mental health, attachement or behavioural problems. It is a HUGE undertaking one that is filled with a lot of joy, satisfaction and love as well as heartache, frustration and tears.

Anyway, all of this should be covered by the local authority when you are being approved [if you decide to go ahead]. However, in my expereince, they do tend to paint a rosy picture of caring in order not to frighten people off [like i may have done!!!]

sorry if you feel I am unduly negative. but with the greatest respect, there is a big difference between working for 40 hours a week with "clients" where you are in control ( can set boundaries etc) and having a young person in your home 168 hours a week where THEY are in control. And no, they probably WONT be attending school/college. And yes, one of you will have to be at home full time -fostering teenagers is regarded as a job.

Personally I woudl not think of fostering teenagers if I had any children of my own at home, as most YP in care have either been abused, are perpetrators or have witnessed abuse.

The other big risk to your children is if a Yp makes allegations of abuse against you or your Dh then your children can be removed. And no, you are not innocent until proved guilty. You are guilty until proved innocent. Except its quite hard to prove that you havent done something.

If such an allegation is made you may also be suspended from your work, if it involves YP or vulnerable adults.

Sorry but you need to know this, so you are aware of the possibel down sides. As lou says, SS will not volunteer this info.

Teenagers are hard work, and I wouldn't advise you getting any older than your current children, but younger can work (speaking from experience as the older child here).

If you are doing it for the love of it rather than a money aspect, then you can afford to set rules - my mum cannot have any with a history of stealing or non-attendence as she works and can't be home to supervise, same goes for any with a history of harming/abusing children because she will not put my DC at risk.

But it is a hell of a job, with no thanks, and very few happy endings (they all seem to leave and just drift from one crisis to the next )

Pretty much if you can handle the worst behaved teen imaginable without ever being able to grasp why they are like it, then it could be ok - and you might even get some relatively "easy" ones!

Flower - thanks for your advice. Really surprised that you have had three newborns in a short space of time.(but I supposed I am about to suprised by a lot of things!!)

I loved 0-9 with my DS & 12 months onwards, if im being honest 9-12 was really frustrating as DS was a late teether along with trying to walk. Although that was tied in with settling into nursery and me returning to work, so maybe if had been at home it night not been as bad!

For me wanting to do it was an article about 1300 children in care within our area. I have been telling people about my decision and people have said 'you'll be fab' or 'are you mad' which i think stems from me being a single parent.

Hi ThisTime, I should add that I went for years fostering older children because my fostering unit kept saying "oh we don't get many babies but we get lots of older ones you would be great at caring for"

Eventually I dug my heels in and said I'm only taking babies and thats that. Sometimes, like just now, it means I have spells when I don't have a little one but thats ok. I would rather be in this position than care for an age group I find difficult. Each to her own I suppose.

I used to say there's no such thing as a bad child but I've had some little devils in my time and now I'm choosing to care for babies who won't break my windows, steal out of my purse or swear at me with language that would make a trucker blush.

Hi,

I know I have come in on this thread a long way down the line, but WOW! Flower what a wonderful person you are. My DH and me are hopefully about mid way (its been 16 months) into our road to adopt and to hear that you have placed three babies in the last year is just a little bit of encouragement for us most definately! We have mentioned that we would like to adopt siblings if possible and by the sounds of it, if they come from a foster carer such as yourself we would truly consider ourselves blessed! Well done!!

Madge7

Thank you Madge7, I am curious as to why its taken 16 months, and you say your only half way in the process, to get you this far.

Particularly as you want a sibling group. Adopters for these are like gold to local authorities.

I know that adopters, like foster carers, have to undergo assessments and training but 16 months sounds a long time to me.

Any other adopters out there, not nessessarily up this early of course, my new little one refuses to sleep after 4am, who can shed light on average times.

Good luck Madge7

if they want a young sibling group then thats about average, i woudl have thought.there is no shortage of families who want to adopt young healthy children, even in sibling groups

Not sure if you have ben approved yet madge?

Hi,

Well, our social worker is a bit laid back really, sometimes it feels like she is only coming for a chat and a cup of tea? We originally showed an interest aug 05, but it took until jan 06 for someone to come to see us. She gave us a load of bumpf etc and come round monthly thereafter, she gave us some indication that approval panel might be November 06. We are going thru ssafa as we are forces, and the two training weekends were up in lincoln for two weekends in June 06. It then took until august for her to come round again, I saw her on my own as did my DH in September, the last appointment in October she had to cancel due to a death in the family. We then didnt see her till January, where we gave her a load of paperwork and she now says that this has been submitted to SSAFA big boss and approval panel might now be june but there is so much to do, that she has kind of left us to get on with....she doesnt seem to be guiding us thru it really - should she be? DH not impressed, wants to change her etc, but i am terrible really i want everyone to have a chance etc....she is alright really....you know???????

Hi Madge, if it helps our sw is alsolaid back and seems to be taking her sweet time with one excuse after another, hopefully we re near the end, but also many months past our date when she indicated we should go to panel, so I can understand your frustration.

My Dh also gets fed up with sw, but I saw it as better the devil you know, and didn't want to step on any toes incase for some reason it oes against us.

I hope things pick up swifty for you.