Struggling with Adoption and return to work

[Cabawill]

I just feel like I can't do any of it any more. If you've read a previous thread of mine, I spoke to employer before adoption about what it would look like for me to go back PT. Reassured this would certainly be something they could look into. Great!

Adopt siblings age 5 and 3. Very challenging 9 months but we're getting there. Now 6 & 4 year old both going to school full time from start of Setember. Get into lovely routine, DD seems to settle well into Reception.

In the meantime, work decide my job can't be done PT. After some wrangling, I manage to get a set shift pattern that includes both weekend days with two days off in the week. Started back 2 weeks ago.

It's shit. I have to travel 1hr 20 into work because of traffic and 1 hr back. I work shifts so don't get to see them after school twice a week. I don't get to enjoy them at the weekend and the house is a tip constantly.

DD has started being terribly behaved, both at home and at school. She's defiant, disruptive, aggressive and rude. The teacher has called us (my DM, DMIL and DH) in numerous times after school and we've had to keep her off for 2 days for biting others repeatedly. DS is ok, but cries and tells me he doesn't want me to go to work. He's done this again today.

I'm at my wits end. I've had tummy upset and feeling of heart racing since I've been back every day. I'm anxious and close to tears all the time. My boss is ok but I've had to take emergency leave already and it's not gone down well. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing- it's an extremely fast paced job where the results of my work is on a show to the public (think 300k people can view my responses) so if I get it wrong there can be big consequences.

I'm not doing anything the way I'd like to and my patience is low in all areas.

We probably could manage if I quit by cutting back on things. We're not great at budgeting because we've always been comfortable. But people I've spoken to have said I'd regret leaving and the kids will get used to it. My children aren't as robust as "normal" children. I'm not sure they will get used to it. It's ramping up not calming down. The job is great and the company pays vvv well. Competition is fierce so I doubt I'd get back in again if I wanted to.

I felt earlier like jumping in the car with no phone, no messy house, no demanding kids, whiny husband, boss, customers and just booking into a hotel on my own for the peace.

Sorry it's so long. Any advice from people who've been there and done it? Or just a general "buck your ideas up" motivational chat would be good.

Oh my goodness, its so hard, it sounds to me that you are suffering from stress and anxiety and I would suggest that you go to see your GP. I'd hope they'd sign you off so you have some breathing space and see if the behaviour improves.....
Our kids aren't as you put it 'normal' and things could worsen I hate to say.
I used to work every hour that God sent before we adopted 2.5 years ago.I'm self-employed and choose my own hours so now only work school hours. That is no help to you I realise and we have had to cut back, we manage.
As for school, surely they should see that little one is struggling and have strategies to help her or was it your choice to keep her at home?
Look after yourself and if you run away, can I come too?

That made me smile, thank you. They are really good at the school and are trying to put in some strategies now. We've got a meeting next Thursday with social workers and teachers and SENCO so fingers crossed we can get it sorted.

Oh I'm sorry you're finding it so tough and that your work have misled you. I guess now is the time to decide what really matters more to you. Are you prepared to lose this job and maybe find something closer and part time for the sake of your family life? How sustainable is this current regime going to be?
I'm not sure what your line of work is, but can you move to another position within the company which could be part time?
I have to say I'd have stayed home in a heartbeat if we could have afforded it, but my job is something I could go back to later if I chose. I guess you just need to decide if you can make it work for everyone, and if you can't, how much you can sacrifice. Good luck.

Can your DH go part time or become a SAHP? It sounds like you took the adoption leave, so maybe it's his turn to step up to the plate ?

Thank you for all your replies. I'm on my phone so will do my best to get back to everyone.

DH possibly could ask for flexible working but he earns double what I do so would make more sense for me to leave. I really do think you're all correct in what you say- I think I'm just looking for someone to say "yes you should leave, it's ok not to work".

I have been looking for other jobs. There are actually a few that I think I could do and do them well so might apply for them and see how it goes.

The only thing worrying me about leaving (more than the actual quitting or not having a job etc) is that as I got enhanced Adoption Pay, I believe you have to be back X amount of time or pay it back. I need to find out how long that is before I hand in my notice because I can't afford to pay it back.

With regards to support, we have been in contact with After Adoption support over the telephone. It's been difficult because the children are from another County and they are reluctant to travel. The "help" we've had so far is reams of parts of books and leaflets sent through the post to us. Whilst this is great, it's not really the hands on help she needs. No one has come to assess her, talk to her, really get into what's going on. I sometimes feel it's almost a "you should be able to do better" rather than a "she is struggling isn't she, what help can we get her".

It really isn't this bad all the time and my DH is really good with the kids and in the house.

I need to make up my mind and live with it.

Re work - which one of you reduces hours or stops works isn't always a financial decision alone . It might suit for both of you to go part time, for example . It depends how you feel about stopping work when it might be hard to get back in, how you would make up your pension, how you would cope being a FT parent to two demanding children .

Have you already adopted your children ?

Cabawill you said I think I'm just looking for someone to say "yes you should leave, it's ok not to work".

So yes you should leave, it's ok not to work. How do you feel? Do you want do that?

If so, find out how long you have to stay before you will not have to pay back anything, work out how to manage the time between now and then if you chose to do this. You should have accrued annual leave during your time of adoption leave, and assuming you have not already used it to come back later, you could see if you could use this in a creative way to work shorter days maybe.

I will be honest and say from my own experience it has taken me almost 6 months to the day to feel good about being back at work. And my job is part-time, is school hours and is not hugely demanding. But that may just be me! I can't not work as we can't survive on DH's salary alone. I was lucky that my work were very flexible.

What I would say is it is not in your work's best interests to have you back and not working productively so if they can help you work through this in a suitable way it should be something they are interested in! You have loyalty, skills and have been trained by them, they should not want to lose you! But if they are not bothered to try and make things work for you, and if you have good transferable skills you may find a suitable part-time job closer to home now.

In your shoes I would:
-Find out what the work situation is re leaving

-Find out how work can help you further, if you decide you want to stay

-Get the support from local post adoption support ... Re With regards to support, we have been in contact with After Adoption support over the telephone. It's been difficult because the children are from another County and they are reluctant to travel... who is reluctant to travel the county support workers or your kids? The county your children come from could enter into a relationship with the country you live in to pay for the support needed to be delivered by the county you live in... this may be cheaper and better for the county your children come from. Google around and maybe make some calls to find out more about whether this is possible. if it is then see what your country can offer and just be persistent in asking the county the children come from the provide the payment for this support. Use the broken record that is recommend to use with kids, state your case clearly and ... repeat... repeat... keep a record of how often you ask for help and to whom you speak

-Hire someone trusted to come in when your kids are not home (or are in bed!0 to do some housework (if you have a well paid job and your dh earns even more maybe you can afford that and it would help!

I have just gone back to work part time having adopted siblings and to be honest they don't like it and its hard, Im exhausted! They've had a birth mum who didn't work, a foster mum who's job was obviously to be with them and then me all to themselves for a year. I too am combining new schools at the same time as the change. It's hard on them but after the first week (which was awful) I'm not seeing any different behaviour than the mums of birth children would really, it's manageable and I would say not idealic, but not causing harm, if you get what I mean. BUT prior to adopting I changed jobs from a career I loved but I knew would not work part time, to a career with less pressure, less hours and works nicely part time (and a lot less money!). Which essentially means I'm able to have a bit of both and I can now see it was the best decision I ever made. I can't tell you what to do, only what I would do but I would quit and find something part time with less stress. Or if you want to quit altogether and you can, then do, but don't put yourself through this situation, as it is, for too much longer or you'll burn out which is no good for you or your children.

Italian is spot on with regards getting one county to pay for help offered in your own county, I'd push for that too.

Hope things get better for you, you must be so stressed, anxious and tired right now :(

working two weekend days when my DS had just started school would have been shit!

You get all the tired grumpiness after school in the week and very little of the wind down time.

I would try pushing work much harder perhaps at considering a 4 day week so that at the very least you can have one day at the weekend with the kids.

And yes apply for other part-time jobs.

I ended up giving up work just before DS started school (he'd been with me 4 years by then!) although that was partly driven by my having been ill and him being like a limpet!

I have been back at work just over 2 years since adopting and have changed job 3 times to try and make it work! DH has also changed job twice as we have tried to find combinations that work for us in terms of location/commute/hours etc. It's now the best it has been but still can be quite difficult.

There have been no major issues with our DC fortunately and I have a degree of flexibility with my work but it is still a challenge.

Have you formally requested flexible working under the flexible working arrangements? Your company don't have to agree it but need to give business reasons if they don't which could be challenged.

It is ok to give up work and that might be something you decide to do but just be sure you have explored all other options first and know. what your route back in is should you need it.

And I agree with a cleaner. I have been back a month now (4.5 days) and it is manageable but have decided to get a cleaner for first time ever just so down time can be focused on the kids or recharging.