Advice - DD, social skills, boys etc (long)

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

This may be a bit rambling. I should probably be writing on the Special Needs boards or somewhere but thought it would be safer to start here.

So we adopted DD1 aged 8, she has recently turned 16 and started college. A lovely girl, well adjusted, hard working etc. So far so good.

She has always got on better with adults or young children than peer group. Last year she was (finally) diagnosed with dyspraxia. She has slow processing and can't keep up with fast flow conversations, so will often interject comments that are out of sync with the flow.

When she was 12.5 she got a 'boyfriend' at school who had Asperger's and was in the schools special HFA unit. We were not happy as she seemed to take responsibility for his feelings and keeping him calm and all sorts of stuff. It lasted 2 years but only within school. Eventually after an exclusion he had a managed move to a smaller school. I don't think it was a good relationship for her, and it marked her as different to her peer group.

I'm getting to the point now.

So having just started college, she is gravitating again to their special 'calm' area mainly for the pupils with Asperger's. She says the kids there (all boys as far as I can tell) are more straight forward, black and white, and she gets on better with them.

I should be pleased she's making friends she's on the same wavelength as, shouldn't I?

So what am I worrying about?

By taking herself away from the mainstream areas and mixing with people who have social difficulties, I worry she is going to reinforce her difficulties (which I don't think are as severe), rather than learn how to rub along better with NT people.

I worry that the kids will reinforce a slanted view of the world, rather than a usual one. (Which is what happened at school).

I worry she will jump into a relationship where she doesn't get proper emotional support from her boyfriend. I worry she will get physical because she thinks it is 'expected' when actually she is naiive and immature in her thinking.

I worry that because she is conflict avoidant and a people pleaser (due to early experiences) she is vulnerable and more open to being taken advantage of (in any kind of way).

I worry she will mark herself out as 'weird' to others on her course which will make socialising with them even harder than it otherwise would be.

But am I right? Am I just scared of the unknown? Should I just leave her to it? Should I be accepting that this is another case of thinking you're going to the Alps but ending up in Holland? I know I need to accept her as she is, but I worry about consequences of actions that she doesn't foresee. Also, I don't know loads of people with HFA so I'm probably tied up with misconceptions and stereotypes.

Thank you if you've got to the end of this.

Words of wisdom please.

I just need to accept that if she is happier in the unit then that is where she should be don't I? No point wishing her to act different to how she is? I need to accept her making her own choices and decisions don't I? So why do I find it so hard?

Well yes you do and no you don't! Helpful aren;t I!

To be honest i am not sure what yo need to do but here is what I would try and do.

Accept that sometimes this is where she likes to be and where maybe she feels safe!

Encourage her to venture out into other areas of the college and explore other friendship groups and ask her if she could try that woudl she be willing and if so what would help her to do that.

Explore information about young women and how to encourage them to have a positive body image that means they respect their body and make their own choices about what to do with it. Try NSPCC and Sea Op (for anti sexting messages) and any other charity that works with teens. Please do come back and share what you learn!

Some charities run activities for young women see...

thrive

These organisations are working in light of the abuse but of course self esteem for young women is vital whatever other dangers do or do not exist.

Self esteem is vital so she feels she is of value, she can choose who to be friends with, this may be the children in the special needs unit or others, she can choose what is right for her in a romantic relationship, or any relationship and she is most definitely NOT responsible for her boyfriends well being and calm if that comes at her own expense. You know it and I know it, but a charity working in this area may have visual aids which can explain it better.

Here are a few to be getting on with, this is for you to read and explore before talking to DD.

Tips to boost self esteem

This is a Christian book (I am a Christian) but there may be a secular version www.amazon.com/Girls-Guide-Making-Really-Choices/dp/0736951229

Most of all dear *sanders8 try not to worry, you will convey that to her potentially and make her more fearful. Instead convey to her this is a new start, a new place of education and there are so many potential opportunites. Build in time to see her on her own and find out how things are going, driving to somewhere by car can be a good time to talk, or a 'date' out for pizza or brownies, just you two. Always encourage her by not being shocked or angry by what she says, but rather allow her to talk about it and say some positives in with any cautions. I am sure you know all that and could teach me tons! All the best.

I can't add words of advice but I have to say I can imagine me writing this in 8 years time! We are constantly worried about what our DS will be like as a teenager and what sort of friendship groups it will be best for him to be in!
Sorry, I don't know what to advice but wanted u to know you are not alone with 100 worried questions in your head x x x

I think you cant choose your DD's friends and on the positive she has found a place at college where she feels safe and has friends.
For some dyspraxics, making friends can be a bit tricky.

I think you need to focus on teaching her about staying safe when she is interested in boys, not glossing over the risks and giving her techniques to not put herself in situations where she becomes vulnerable.

I guess you could try chatting to her about what it is about the place that makes it feel safer or more natural for her? A smaller, calmer environment when she's just moved to college is probably going to feel like a welcome refuge. You could work with the college to help her build secure feelings outside of that unit, in the hope that college generally starts to feel safer for her? Kim Golding's pyramid of needs for children who experienced trauma, has "Feeling Safe" as the main base layer. Without that layer, the higher elements of "forming relationships" just aren't going to happen.

So, while there's nothing intrinsically wrong with her making friends inside the unit, if you feel she might only be doing that because it's the one place she feels safe at college, there are things you could do to help with her safe feelings. Maybe college could help with providing some visual orientation guides about each space so she knows how they "work", or a mentor she can go and find if she's feeling wobbly?

Thank you all for your input.
Just writing it all down yesterday made it clearer to me what I was/am worrying about.

I had a chat with DD this morning before she left for college.

I am absolutely happy for her to find friends wherever. I want her to have friends she can relax with. Dh and I need to accept that she may never have loads of friends and also that we ourselves may struggle to relate to her friends but that doesn't matter. She needs to have friends that she is happy with, and as long as they are not 'harming' her then that's fine. ( But I don't want her isolating herself as she at minimum needs to be able to learn to rub along with people as she will need that in the workplace.)

I worry because when talking about previous boyfriend and his anger issues and the fact he lashed out sometimes, her response was 'that wasn't his fault, others wound him up'. I don't want her going out with anyone who can't control their emotions to that extent. To me that is a step away from 'It's my fault he hit me, I need to not wind him up'. DD witnessed DV in her birth family, I'm not confident that the pattern won't repeat itself given a chance. I tried to make it clear (again) that it would not be good to be with someone who could not control their emotions to that extent.

I also worry that if she jumps into a relationship with someone from the unit, if it all goes wrong, she may not feel comfortable going in there, so she will have messed up her safe place. Which is why I would prefer her to not jump in feet first, and I would like for her to also investigate other areas of college to work in.

The other thing is we worry when she is keeping things secret. We can tell because she gets evasive and because we do monitor facebook too. What she tells us can be very inconsistent with what she says there . In general life she is not good at thinking things through. So I did say to her today we would rather know than worry about the unknown. If she keeps things secret then she can't share if it goes wrong, or delight if things going well.

Italian Thank you for your detailed response. We do a lot with her on self esteem, and in a lot of ways she is outwardly confident. But inside definitely not so much. I do think all these teen websites encouraging them to dwell on negatives is not a good thing. I am pretty good at not appearing shocked by things (even when I am), and have reinforced this today with her that we are there to help and support whatever.

Just You are right about teaching her to be safe. The trouble is she is very good about giving sensible answers when at home, but can be poor at on the spot decision making.

Iamnot You are right, it is great she has found a safe place at college. We are encouraging her to speak with not only learning support (who she has a regular timetabled session with) but also their pastoral care (it is through them she has been given access to the unit).

Thank you all for helping me. Thank you for not jumping down my throat saying I'm being disablist (or whatever the word would be). Sorry this was an essay again.

Sorry Kazza thanks for helping me feel I'm not the only person to worry about stuff like this.

Our DD was in a similar situation, except did not attend main stream school due too her condition and learning difficulty's. She fitted in well at college , with in house support , removed herself from, calm area's etc. did not understand, College soughed out other things such as extra external work placement, additional associated course related subjects as coaching,
working in primary school's,leisure centres all worked very well,
Course work was completed bite size, Yes it took twice as long for her too get qualifications' as her peer's, But must remember they are Adults.
Would arrange an interview with College , ask for long and short term planning strategy's and goals. DD has never been out of work, still has disability's will have for life, just bought her own house, just take thing slow with support.
Wish you and your DD well , good luck.