Is adoption right for us?

[ParsleyCake]

We are a young couple, both 25. We have a 3 month old son, and have agreed to talk about adopting a sibling when he is older - ie 4 or 5. I have no fertility problems, but I have always wanted to give a child a good home. However, my partner is - while not against the idea - concerned it wouldn't be right for us. His worries have got me thinking. We would be adopting a child between the age of 1 and 5 ideally.

My worries:

• can't imagine loving anyone as much as my own son, but I definitely want to

• worried the child will have issues and always long for and want to meet their real parents
• worried my son will be jealous, or not get enough love and attention

His worries are mainly that he thinks adopted kids usually turn out to have behavioural issues.

Since I had my son everything has changed, and while I still long to give a child a loving home, the reality of having my own baby to care for has shown me how difficult a path this would be to take. The difficulty of raising a child as well as working through their issues and making sure my own son doesn't suffer worries me.

I also worry we would take a child home, grow to love them, and then have to give them back for some reason.

Am I a bad person to give up this goal just because of these worries?

Every time I think of how I would feel if my own child had no parents, I get the overwhelming need to do what I can to persuade my partner to adopt, to help some poor child. I just don't know where my head is with this and could do with advice.

Sorry this might be a bit disjointed...

to help some poor child

I think this is a good reason to go into a caring position, voluntary or otherwise and one of the worst reasons to adopt. Adoption can at times be terribly hard (both getting there and coping in the aftermath) and I'm not sure feeling that you want to do a good thing will be enough to make you stick it out. And I'm not sure that it's a good thing for a child to grow up being a charitable act rather than a much wanted child.

how I would feel if my own child had no parent overwhelmingly these children do have parents, just not ones who are capable of caring for them for some reason.

can't imagine loving anyone as much as my own son fairly normal - I can imagine loving anyone as much as my son either, but I'm pretty sure I would love another child just as much.

worried the child will have issues also a normal worry and often true.

want to meet their real parents ( I think you probably mean "birth" parents as adoptive parents are also pretty real) yes they might and adoptive parenting is living with the knowledge that you aren't your childs only parents. Some adopted children want to search for birth family, some don't. But even those that don't, you can't air-brush out their birth parents, they are a part of your child and you will have to help them process how and why their life looks like it does and that will involve discussing their birth family and probably having some degree of contact.

worried my son will be jealous, or not get enough love and attention - yes I'm sure this is true of any only child going from an only to having a sibling - it's probably more true of adopted sibling than birth because they can indeed be more demanding of time for a longer period. It's one of the reason why most SS require a minimum 2-3 year age gap so that your older child can understand a bit.

adopted kids usually turn out to have behavioural issues. I'm not sure about usually but certainly statistically its more likely.

then have to give them back for some reason I think think this is very rare with traditional adoptions, more common in foster to adopt or concurrent planning.

Most of your concerns have some degree of validity - and most adoptive parents accept this and do it anyway because they are foolish/determined/desperate.

You need to decide if you fall into one of those three categories (or more) and do a lot more research into adoption.

Oh and both of you really have to be 100% on board by the time you;re starting or it's a no go.

As ever agree with Kew.

Re And I'm not sure that it's a good thing for a child to grow up being a charitable act rather than a much wanted child. Absolutely. If you want to help kids there are so many ways to do this aside from adopting.

Rather than reiterate all of Kew's points could I just say...

Your son is very young and you would be not be considered for adoption until he is 2 or 3 or maybe even 4 or 5. Before this point arrives you may decide you actually want to be pregnant again or to have a birth child.

Your other half does need to be fully in agreement with the plans to adopt, social workers will figure out if he is not.

If you really want to consider this in the future, keep reading up on the subject and review it in the future. And do not feel 'guilty' for not wanting to adopt, it really is not right for all.

or to have another birth child.

Thank you all

Just to say that we chose to adopt our second child despite having been lucky enough to not have any fertility issues etc. Wanting to help a child that needed a new family was a big part of our motivation, but we also very much wanted to expand our family so it was not a selfless choice in that respect! We had considered adopting before having our BC so I can remember being in your position with a v young baby and wondering what route we would choose for number 2. Lots of people told me that once we'd had 'our own' we wouldn't want to consider adopting but on the contrary I very much felt that the overwhelming love I felt for our BC when they arrived actually confirmed that we should adopt, as it seemed even more important that all children should grow up in a loving supportive environment.

Having now gone through the process and had an AC placed with us I'm so happy that we chose the adoption route. Yes, it is an invasive process, can be very long, and you have to accept a level of risk (and everything else that Kew and Italian have wisely pointed out) but it's an amazing way to make a family, and if you can embrace the crazier aspects then it's a brilliant thing to do.

One positive thing I would say is that our SW asked us to start preparing our BC for the potential arrival of an adopted sibling way earlier than we probably would have done if I'd been pregnant with a second - it was a general point of discussion in the family from when our BC was 2 to when our AC was placed 2 years later when our BC was 4. As a result we have had no issues with jealousy/envy and a good sibling relationship developed really early on. Not a guarantee that that always happens of course but it worked well for us!

You've got plenty of time before you can act on this idea - certainly not before your BC is 2- so do go and read up on the issues that concern you. When you are in the adoption process you do have a fair amount of control over the sort of child you feel able to parent- for example if you feel unable to care for a child with complex health needs then you can specify this early on. Part of the approval process is dedicated to scoping out exactly how you and your partner feel about the various reasons a child might be in care, and educating you on the potential long term impact of these issues. The SWs won't want to place a child in your family if you are not fully on board with the potential challenges they may come with. The more restrictive you are the longer your wait for a match will be, but if you can cope with waiting for the right fit then I'm sure there is an AC out there for you (or rather that you are the right family for an AC as that is how the SWs will look at it!)

Good luck with your decision and I hope that you continue to enjoy spending time with your new BC :-)

researchbookworm great to hear how things have gone for you. Well done.

Thanks Italian- still waiting on the adoption order part but hopefully that will go through without too many problems..!

I am sure it will, ours was fine, no problems.

One of my ex work colleagues had a brother and sister who were adopted. He said it hadn't worked, that his parents had adopted for all the right reasons, but had regretted it. That is only one experience though, obviously.

An alternative is that you wait until your children are much older and then adopt or foster. It sounds as though you would be great parents, but you will still be great in the future.

I just read over my post and it didn't read well at all, sorry. What I meant was that your concerns are right in the sense that you will not necessarily have control over how well it works and how it will affect your other children. You seem to be a thoughtful rather than a bad person! And you will still be young when your child and any others to follow are, say, older teenagers.

Sorry, I pressed "post message" before reading it.

Incidentally there are a lot of things you could do to help LAC in the meantime. There are various charities who you could speak to.

Poornimav- I don't know what country you are in but most posters here seem to be from the uk where the sort of adoption you are after is extremely unusual. I think you need to have a good think about why you are so desperate to have a girl. Wanting to adopt a child for this reason alone seems very poorly thought out to me, and demonstrates how little you know of the issues involved in adoption. It's no longer acceptable (in the uk at least) to adopt a child without raising them with an awareness of their birth family, and you would have to be willing to have ongoing contact with that family until the baby is 18 and can make her own decision. For this, and many other reasons, I don't think it would give you the magic 'baby girl' fix you are after. If you are set on this as a course of action then I think you should follow it up elsewhere as this forum doesn't seem an appropriate place for you to be asking people to give you their unborn female children!