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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption initial placement

55 replies

Wilson735339 · 18/09/2015 09:44

My 5 year old is on her 4th day with us and I am struggling with panic attacks and anxiety sometime I have to leave the room she is in because I get so scared she needs me so much! She is everything I expected but I've not reacted the way I thought I would. I'm really struggling to bond. Someone tell me these feelings will go away?

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 27/09/2015 10:06

I hope you're coping Wilson and that the doctors appt went well. However it went and whatever is happening, you can come back and talk here without judgement.

The problem with best practice and everyone having their say about what worked for them is that whilst it's all helpful to hear, the theory has to be balanced with the reality. And the reality is in these early days you need to be able to cope with each hour as it comes and sometimes that involves things you wouldn't necessarily do in an ideal world.

Try the things which are likely to have the least long term effect on this child but give you real support - eg having your mum over daily for an hour or two. And hold off on making the bigger decisions like school for now (now being today or tomorrow!)

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 11:05

100% agree with Kew.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 11:08

Wilson did your area county adoption services or Voluntary agency give you good training in what to expect? I think we were very, very well prepared but it was still a shock, it honestly was. So you really know you are not alone. A lot of us have been through it. I don't know anyone who felt it was easy. And because you have wanted it for so long you do expect to take to it, I think, I know I did. But it was not easy. As everyone days, hour by hour, one day at a time.

I don;t know how you are coping with the physical stuff like meals and things but if anyone offers to cook you a meal or help getting shopping in, please do take them up on the offer, just as you woudl if you had a new baby. It is a shock to the system and offers of help that are about practical stuff, not about the child, can be wonderful.

Desmoulinsonatable · 27/09/2015 11:40

Me again, I see where you are coming from Italian and reading my own posts back I realise what I did not make clear is that mine were at school while in FC before placement - so school was/is normal practise for them. I guess what I'm saying is that it depends if your child has an already existing experience of education. Which as the OPs daughter is nearly six, I would guess she does. Apologies if not. So it all depends on that experience. Mine have quite severe SEN needs but school gives them structure and is a place of comforting routine even though they struggle academically.

Also, and brutal honesty here, we needed the structure that school brings, it gave them a sense of belonging and it gave is a break. I agree with Kew that our experience does not reflect 'best practise' but just what worked for us. I notice though that Wilson referred to climbing the walls and that was certainly where we were before they started (all of us) again this is due to a familiarity with the structures of school I guess.

I also misworded what I said about learning. I was referring to the new curriculum (only changed this year) which has leaped up for year 1 and 2 in particular. Homework etc is now required by the government, which is idiotic but true. My expectations of Y1 & 2 were playing in sand, art bit of light reading and sums etc and the new curriculum is just not like that. Also all children regardless of SEN have to do the SATs at 7. Also first year of this also idiotic. They also, and this is horrific, have to keep retaking if they fail. Pig- Fancier Cameron thinks it will motivate academic success rather than causing misery. I don't agree with any of this but the landscape has changed so radically.

Wilson so sorry for hijacking, I just know that I wish that someone had warned me about the new realities of school.

I echo what everyone else says, sounds like you are doing brilliantly. We are only five weeks ahead of you so please do PM me if you want to swap 5 year old notes!

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2015 16:05

Desmoulinsonatable I won't further hijack by talking about education. I am not a huge fan of formal education because I and my dd were so poorly let down by it. But I recognise for some it is fun, safe and good.

In all areas of parenting, and adoption especially, I think it is what is right for the child, and for the parents, that matters.

My interest in satisfying the needs of individual schools and in Ofsted is... well... watch this clip if you want to know what I think about schools and Oftsed!

But I am very interested in children and parents and I hope Wilson knows we are all interested in how she is doing because we have all been there and it is not at all easy.

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