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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


feeling sad...

11 replies

quickchange123 · 11/09/2015 22:58

occasional poster who has changed names for fear of outing myself....

Came home the other day to a very excited 6 year old telling me how she had been voted onto the committee of a particular club at school. The story was very detailed, how many votes she had gotten, what the meeting involved and all the great things which were going to happen. She had also told my other half and her siblings all about it. She was so excited and I was so very happy for her.

A few hours later, having some mother daughter time before bed, she started telling me some more then stopped suddenly and told me she had made it all up. She was heartbroken. She didn't get any votes at all and it was her friend who won the place on the committee. Now she thinks noone in the class likes her. I am afraid it just feels like another rejection for her. She is still upset by this days later.

I am aware this all sounds very trivial now I have written it down but she was so heartbroken that it broke my heart too. It was almost as if she was trying to make herself believe it too.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?
I have created a family committee now of which she is the chairperson. But a friend told me that I shouldn't have done this and that my dd needs to learn to cope with disappointment. But I think she has had more than enough disappointment in her short life.
My other half thinks there is a positive in there - that she felt comfortable enough to confide and confess to me that she had made it up. Also that she could express how sad it all made her feel.

OP posts:
HaveAWeeNap · 12/09/2015 00:37

No experience of this but just wanted to post to give you a wee bit of support.
Poor you and poor DD.
You did the right thing trying to help her cope. Poor wee soul. She has definitely had enough disappointment in her life already.

LaNouba · 12/09/2015 01:23

Sorry I dont have any experience either but didn't want to run. That's really sad and I fully understand you being so upset but I think you're right in feeling positive that she felt confident enough to tell the truth, that really must have been hard for a 6 year old- she sounds quite mature. Appointing her chair person sounds like a great idea. You sound like you are doing a fab job.

Velvet1973 · 12/09/2015 07:24

Ah bless her I feel sad for her too! I think your other half is right in that it's hugely significant she trusts you to tell you the truth. I too think you did the right thing in the family committee, I assume your friend with the advice hasn't adopted so doesn't understand how fragile our little ones can be when it comes to things like that.

YouCant · 12/09/2015 07:58

Your DH is right, it's great that she felt able to talk to you about it. I don't agree with your friend though, you did the right thing in setting up the family committee I think. She's six years old and you are helping her to cope with her disappointment. It's horrible when children feel rejected by school friends even when they've not been through what your daughter has, I can understand how upsetting it must be.

knittingwithnettles · 12/09/2015 08:10

As someone whose sons were never voted onto any committees at primary I think you did completely the right thing.

knittingwithnettles · 12/09/2015 08:14

As someone whose sons were never voted onto any committees at primary I think you did completely the right thing.

I think in How to Talk So Kids will Listen they say that sometimes listening to someone's fantasy is the right thing to do, you can share what they would have liked to happen before they need to move onto to what didn't happen. It's not rubbing it in to say to her, you really wanted to get onto that committee and this is what you would have done etc etc, and then what you might have done if you (her parent) was on a school committee and slowly the disappointment works its way out of her system.

quickchange123 · 12/09/2015 09:21

Thanks all. No Velvet that particular person is not an adopter. Luckily I do have one or two good friends (also not adopters) who do actually get it and they have put my mind at ease too.

knitting I think that's really good to talk about what she would have done and will bear that in mind. I did try to give her an example of something I had really wanted to do when I was younger and how disappointed I was. Think it might have helped a little.

School is such a minefield for our children - friendship groups, competition etc.. I much preferred it when dd was at home with me and I could keep her safe from it all.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 12/09/2015 15:43

Would it be worth having a quiet chat with school too, explaining the extra feelings of rejection that this may stir up in your dd?

At 6, the school could easily create a new specially important committee or responsibility that she gets selected to be in charge of.

JaneDonne · 12/09/2015 21:58

I think the school have been pretty shortsighted/borderline irresponsible to have this kind of open competition where one child can see that they didn't get any votes. What is that supposed to do to even healthy self - esteem? To allow that to happen to an adopted child is really not on. There are all kinds of ways that could have been managed much better. I'd complain.

And maybe get a new friend :)

JaneDonne · 12/09/2015 21:59

It'll be ok if you dump your mate because it'll help her cope with disappointment.

ChampagneAndCrisps · 12/09/2015 22:56

My chikden aren't adopted, but what I have learned from school and their interactions with 'friends', is that you can't control everything that happens to them - but you can be there for them.
My kids do have other serious health issues and I've tried to teach them to cope with them and live despite them. From what I've heard about other teenagers my kids are doing fine. I do take credit for that - for being the backbone that helps them cope. I think you are doing the same.
Hope this makes sense, and it's not the wine talking.

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