directions hearing/struggling

[anxious123]

So a couple of days ago I got the date for the directions hearing for my birth sons adoption order. I know it's what we've all been working towards but I feel totally distraught. Almost like I should tell them I don't want him adopted which is bordering on ridiculous as I know it's the right thing for him, I know his forever family will give him everything he needs and I liked mum when I met her but there's this niggling nasty "what if" in the back of my head that just won't be quiet. I know it's natural to miss him. I know this is grief coming out but jeeeez it hurts.
The support for birth parents in my situation just doesn't exist which makes it harder, I don't want to burden you guys with my pathetic neediness but I don't know where else to go.

Anxious I am so sorry you are troubled in this way.

Is there anyone in real life you can share with?

I think you are expressing a love for him because you realise this is a big part of your life.

I can't say what is right or wrong but you decided on this course for a reason, so I think you just need to talk your thoughts and fears through with someone.

Can you also request photos and updates? We have this with our adopted son's birth parents, it is possible once or twice a year. I sincerely hope it reassures his birth mum and dad that he is well, healthy, thriving and that he has not forgotten his past.

Anxious - not sure I can say anything to make you feel better. but please talk to your social worker. Please talk to your doctor. Whatever the circumstances of your son coming into care - it must be incredibly painful for you. But maybe the adoption order will be some form of release? In as much - there won't be anything you can do - it is out of your hands. Have you got good contact arrangements in place? Do you think it might help to talk to your DS's social worker to reassure you that he is (hopefully) happy and settled? Have you got friends around to hand hold?

There are other birth mums on here that pop in from time to time - I am sure they will be along to help with some better advice.

This is a massive bereavement for you - remember to treat it as such and be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry , this must be very painful for you .

Its natural to be distraught . This is another step in his journey away from you . It's bound to hurt like hell . I know you support his adoption because you think it's right for him , not because it's easy for you. Because it's not , it's terrible .

It's not ridiculous to not want him adopted. Of course your heart and your body want him back . But you know in your head that you have made the right decision for him , and you're putting his best interests above what you want .

It's very common to lose your nerve at this stage. Some birth parents object or withdraw consent . Not because they realistically think they can get their child back and parent him . But because it's too difficult to say that they " agreed " with the adoption or didn't fight it .

Of course it doesn't work ( unless something has gone massively wrong in the procedure to date ) and it prolongs the agony for everyone . But its their irrational response to a very real grief and loss .

Please don't think that you are pathetic or needy, you are not. You are a mother who has lost her child and your feelings are very real . Everyone here - adopters, adoptees and birth parents - has come to adoption from a point of loss . We are not burdened by your grief , we share it , just in different ways.

Kristina says exactly what I would have said.

I don't feel the slightest bit burdened, I share your pain.

Does it sound odd to say that I would be reassured if I knew my DS's birth mother felt the same way. I know it sounds like I mean that I'm glad she found it painful but really I just mean I'm glad that he was so hard to part with. He deserves that grief as does your child.

I can't imagine how hard it would be to be in your shoes and its shocking that there isn't more support for you.

Thank you for your kindness. Alas my only form of support has been my son's social worker (it's not even her role really!) But she's off to pastures New in a few weeks. It's beyond rubbish that she's leaving when the really hard bit hits -the court dates as then it's all so final.

I just hope that he and his family are happy together. I hope he at some point can comprehend why I had to place him for adoption. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if he never ever knew the circumstances - he was conceived by rape etc. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for him if I just didn't exist now.

It wouldn't be better for him if you didn't exist, you know that. He needs you to get on with life, and look after yourself. You must be in so much pain, just now, and I'm sorry the system doesn't support you more, it's rubbish. There are things he doesn't need to know now, but may need to know in the future. Only you can provide that, if needed.

Could you access some counselling through the GP, to get some real life support, too? This is a huge loss for you, and it's reasonable to need a lot of support.

How are you feeling about all of this now? I sensed conflicting feelings although I am not sure if that is right or not. Sometimes things change over time.

Will face to face contact after adoption be possible or have you considered other approaches?

I have seen your later posts about letterbox.