Anyone here adopted after already being a birth parent?

[Flingmoo]

Sorry, I'm a bit naive on this topic and not sure of the proper accepted terminology... Just wondered how many people there are out there who adopt for reasons other than fertility issues or LGBT adoption. Especially interested those who adopted after already having given birth to a child.

I don't have any fertility problems as far as I'm aware and already have a birth son. But I sometimes think about adopting a second child rather than conceiving and giving birth. I would love a second child, I don't mind pregnancy but am worried about giving birth again as I found it so painful and traumatic. Is this a good enough reason to adopt? Do any people do this? I have no idea. Sorry, I hope this is not an insensitive question.

Hi mamushka

I've done both ( adopt and give birth ) and I'd say that childbirth is a walk in the park compared to the process of adoption . Birth, however bad, only goes on for a day or two . The process of getting a child placed with you will take at least a year , perhaps nearer two.

If you conceive a child you can know about or even control all the background factors and get good antenatal care . Many babies and children who are adopted have been exposed to alcohol or drugs in utero and these can have life long effects .

Many adopted children have a family history of mental health problems , and have been neglected or abused . Again these can have long term effects .

So if your only reason for adopting is because of your fear of childbirth ( which I completely understand as I also had horrible births ) , then you would be better IMO to deal with that issue and then conceive .

There are threads on MN for those who have suffered traumatic births and they will know about resources available to help . You might consider getting a doula, to support you in labour. Or agree an elective section or an early epidural with your medical team . Or learn about alternative pain relief techniques , like hypno birthing.

I'm not trying to put you off adoption , it's a wonderful way for many people to make a family .

But on a strict comparison of " which is easier, a bad labour and birth or an easy adoption? " , it's got to be the first, IME.

I've also done both and agree with Kr1stina's comments. I think that many hospitals now offer a one off session to talk through your previous birth experience if it was particularly traumatic- a friend of mine did this some years after her 1st child was born. If you haven't done so already I would investigate this as she found it very helpful and as a result she elected to go for a c- section second time round.

I've also done both and in my unusual case the birth and after was more "difficult" than the adoption. But the responses above I would consider the norm. Even though my experience was different I agree - explore issues surrounding childbirth first.

I have a birth dd and an adopted son. We wanted to adopted but also had fertility issues so in the end adoption was our main choice for number 2 after attempts at fertility treatment.

There are so many potential issues with adoption, I feel you really need to want to do it. But if you want to do it, then explore the options.

Adoption is not easy, at any stage and there are so many other factors you will need to take into consideration. Issues with stress and problems from the child's time in foster care or the result of drugs and alcohol in vitro etc.... plus things like how old your birth child is now, will be when you adopt and the process, plus some factors like whether or not you have a spare room now for the new child/childcare you will use when you return to work etc (which you don't always need to consider if having a birth child) and these are just the tip of the iceberg, the iceberg being what Kristina has mentioned.

PS my dd's birth was also quite hard and I had a service called birth afterwards or whatever from the local hospital where a nurse went through my notes with me, which helped.

I only know one person whose birth was really traumatic and never had more children, as opposed to a few friends who had really challenging births/seriously bad post natal depression etc, but went on to have a less problematic experience second time around.

Good luck.

I'm another who has done both - I think they are each different and painful in their own way. Adoption - or rather than circumstances that led up to the adoption - continues to cast a long shadow over DD, even though she had a pretty stable and secure start in life compared to many children who come through the care system.

We did, however, chose to pursue adoption rather medical assistance to have another birth child (I could conceive easily enough, just not carry to term - DS was prem and I had a series of MCs). Adoption was something that we had talked about long before we started to seriously think about having a family, and for us it felt right and appropriate to complete our family in this way.

But I agree with the posters recommending getting support in relation to your traumatic birth - even if you do end up going down the adoption road, or decide to stick at one, it might help give some closure.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Very helpful as well as interesting to hear.

I have requested an appointment for a "debrief" with a midwife but I seem to be on a 1.5 year long waiting list...