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Adoption

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Original poster

Starting school

9 replies

disneygirl10 · 31/08/2015 16:54

Ds is starting school this September. We adopted him a when he was a toddler.
He has a very basic understanding of being adopted, knows he grew in bm tummy not mine and has asked why she couldn't look after him. I have said that she love him but couldn't keep him safe and wasn't very good at looking after babies.
I know they do a lot stuff about families etc when starting school.
The spoke to the head and deputy head at length about my d's when choosing a school and they have been great and he has really enjoyed the settling sessions. The teacher and teaching assistant is doing a home visit tomorrow should I have a quiet word with the teacher? What should I tell her? I am assuming that the deputy would have spoken to her about him being adopted?
Any tips generally?
I know when my dd started she had to bring in a baby pic. We are lucky that we do have Tiny baby pics of d's but I feel uneasy about sending him in with them in case he asks lots of questions I would rather be the one to answering them not his teacher. He really was a baby still when he came to us so should I just send them in? I just to deal with questions myself but don't want them to be un prepared.

OP posts:
tethersend · 31/08/2015 20:42

Am not an adopter, but am a teacher- please do mention these things to the teacher at the home visit, and don't assume that the head has spoken at length to the them. If they have, and the teacher is fully prepared, then they will be able to reassure you. If they haven't, then you are able to raise and discuss the issues.

Teachers will not always have the skills to discuss birth families with children, so it might be worth offering to go over a 'script' or work with the teacher to plan any lessons about family etc.

Baby photos and family trees are topics which often come up at school and can be hugely problematic for looked after and adopted children- raising this with the teacher will most likely lead to the teacher changing or adapting the topic. If it doesn't, raise it with the head as it's incredibly important that your DS's understanding of his babyhood is handled correctly and is driven by you.

Don't think that you're making a fuss- the teacher will very likely be pleased to establish a positive relationship with you early on.

Good luck Smile

Italiangreyhound · 01/09/2015 00:28

disneygirl10, hi, hope all is well. As you may remember our son joined us last spring. He joined us aged 3 and turned 4 before the end of the school year so was technically able to start school last September, but we started him in January.

DS's teacher (who I already knew personally) knew he was adopted and was really helpful and kind about settling him into the class. Because he missed the first few months I think he missed the whole baby photos stage. So I can't advise about that. Although you have a few days and maybe weeks to become familiar about looking at photos and talking about it, if you feel it is appropriate. What I have told ds is that it is his story but if he tells people he can't untell them. I asm not sure he understands. It is hard. But so far he has not really ever spoken about his birth family (to my knowledge) in any situations. Even though he came us at three, not far off four, he does feel and act and seem very, very much part of our family, so I think he could talk about being a baby without much reference to birth family. After all children don't remember being babies, they only really remember what we tell them.

I would take tethersend's advice and make sure the teacher knows, not assume the message has been passed on. Ironically I also know DS's new teacher (part of having a birth child already at the school) and she also knows he is adopted. Although she may not be aware that this is generally something we keep quiet about and so I probably should send in a letter on the first day and make sure she knows how we want it handled! Thanks for the reminder. Smile

We have chosen not to tell people but also not to deny it so if it does come up then hopefully the adult in the situation will steer things in another direction but if anyone asked a direct question I would probably answer it and wouldn't lie.

Original poster
disneygirl10 · 01/09/2015 08:32

Thanks the tethersend and Italian.
We are good thanks italian, ds is doing very well he has had a really settled at playschool after the first one being a bit wobbly!
I will try and have a quite word today out of ds way.
Teacher is new to the school and very young, but this school is generally great at things like this.

OP posts:
gabsdot45 · 01/09/2015 15:44

There is a great book called what do we think about adoption, published by BAAF. I've given a copy of this book to all my kids schoolteachers over the years.

Kitsandkids · 01/09/2015 23:45

My foster child was asked to bring in a baby photo in Year 1. Because he has contact with his parents I asked both of them if they had a baby photo but neither was able to find one. Surprisingly, the teacher said there were quite a few children in the class who hadn't produced one, so he didn't really stand out for not having one anyway. You may find it's the same at your child's school.

Alljamissweet · 02/09/2015 08:35

gabsdot do you have a link to that book. I've had a look on the BAAF website and can't find it.
Thanks xxx

Alljamissweet · 03/09/2015 20:35

Thanks Gabs. Much appreciated

Original poster
disneygirl10 · 04/09/2015 20:11

Thank you

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