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Adoption

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Original poster

Matched with local same name as birth child

23 replies

marmalade999 · 12/08/2015 16:27

Hi everyone
We have been very lucky to have been matched to a gorgeous girl who is 18month but dh has birth daughter with same name. Sw are clear we cannot change Lo name. What we would like to do is swap middle name for forename and vice versa. I just think it will look weird to everyone else and we just want lo to blend in not stick out as not being birth child.
Please can you tell me what you think? Head up bottom.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 12/08/2015 17:06

Personally I'd swap them - is it possible to use a shortened version of her first name? Or use some other nickname?

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 17:29

Smile and nod at social workers

Months down the line, when you ( not SS) submit an adoption petition to the court - do what you think is right for your child.

I know a family who had this happen with their adopted son . The fathers name was Alan, * they had a 5yo bio son called Alan and they were matched with a baby boy called Alan . Can you imagine explaining that to everyone ?

Needless to say they changed it . To Andy / Andrew

Your whole family's and especially your child's right to privacy for the next 60 years is slightly more important than a promise some idiot SW made to the birth family that " of course we won't let anyone change his name " .

not their real names

Original poster

marmalade999 · 12/08/2015 17:42

Thanks! So confused whether to be honest. There is no way we can abbreviate it as birth son is known by abbreviation and full name. It was not even up for discussion with social workers!

OP posts:

Velvet1973 · 12/08/2015 18:57

It is a really difficult one. The only reason for changing it is obviously not actually anything to do with lo. Obviously it would be difficult with 2 children of the same name but would it feel as difficult as explaining to lo in later years that he had to change his name to fit in rather than bc. Why is his name any less important?
We have changed our lo's name but for security reasons and he was only 6 months old at the time, that was hard enough making that decision because of the implications in later life.
I certainly don't envy you this situation, it seems whatever you do is almost certainly going to have a negative impact to someone at some point.

Original poster

marmalade999 · 12/08/2015 19:58

It's so hard. LO has to be moved out of Area due to safety issues as well. Her name is important which is why we would keep it as middle name. When people ask why she has the same name as her sister?? She's going to be explaining all her life as we will. I don't want that. No one has 2 siblings with the same name.....!?!

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 12/08/2015 20:14

Why is his name any less important?

I think this is a fair point, it was more the people asking why you had 2 children with the same name that swayed me. And why I asked about nicknames. Whether the older child goes by both nickname and full name you could just chose to call him always by one or the other from now.

So for example - If his name is Christine Hannah Marmelade you could switch her name around so that on paper it is Hannah Christine Marmelade and call her Christine and always call the Older child Chrissie (from now on).

I assume the children will live with each other at least part of the time?

Also, don;t prejudge as new child may already have an unrelated nickname you can use. I know it seems like a big deal now but you'll probably work a way around it in practice.

How old is birth child? Are they likely to be in the same school at the same time with the same name?

JaneDonne · 12/08/2015 21:32

What do the sws suggest you do? I assume they have some bright ideas?

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 21:58

LOL at jane

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 22:13

Imagine you were 8 years old and these were your choices

Have your first name changed slightly when you were a baby and you don't remember a thing about it

Spend your life ( no not just your childhood ) explaining to everyone that you are adopted and that's why you and your brother are both called Alan .

Never having the choice to keep your adoption private . Having people snigger about you at school . Teachers commenting " we have an Alan Jones in class 10 - is he your cousin ? " " no he's my brother " .

Not waiting to be in Cubs / football team with your brother so people don't ask and you have to talk all about being adopted to total strangers .

And of course it won't work to call them eg Andy and Andrew. Everyone knows these are versions of the same name .

I can't think of many 8yo who would chose option 2

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 22:20

I just asked Dd aged 15 ( adopted ) for her opinion ( I didn't tell her mine ) . She burst out laughing and said

" why ever would you do that ? [ keep the name] . How stupid are these people ? The oldest boy would feel really hurt that they used his name for his little brother , like he stole his name . It would seem like they [ the parents ] couldn't even think of another name for their younger son . That would be totally embarrassing "

Original poster

marmalade999 · 12/08/2015 22:49

It's bonkers isn't it. The situation Is older child is eg David and normally called dave but often David too. It is difficult to abbreviate. LO at matching is called and refered to as David. They were very clear on that. No abbreviation. There was no consideration for my husbands birth child's name. I do not want to take his name away I just want it to be a middle name. He'll be explaining his whole life-and we will-why they have the same name. I've been thinking about it non stop today because I wouldn't do it lightly but it's not fair on him.
So would you be honest with social workers????

OP posts:

JaneDonne · 12/08/2015 22:53

Doesn't your sw know what your stepchild's name is?!

I don't know why I'm surprised really. I suppose I thought I had scoured the depths of sw ignorance but there's always something new out of social services.

Kewcumber · 12/08/2015 22:54

So would you be honest with social workers????

I'd think about it at length then tell the judge when you're asked about names at the final hearing (does that bit still happen at the final hearing?)

StaceyAndTracey · 12/08/2015 23:02

I agree with Kew

Kewcumber · 12/08/2015 23:10

of course you do.

TeamAcorn · 12/08/2015 23:14

My first impression would be that surely this would have come up when Social workers considered the match and this would have been considered not a good match for this reason UNLESS there was leeway on changing name. For the younger child you've got fact that telling people you're adopted is something you're going to have explain even when you don't want to or wouldn't choose to and for older child it would mean they would be thinking not only am not only one anymore, I don't even get to be the only one with my name. Unfair to both. I'm really surprised they haven't considered the impact this could have on AC or for that matter BC by insisting they have identical names.

I agree with Kew

slkk · 12/08/2015 23:58

I agree with Kew too :)
Could you call him first name, middle name (e.g. David John) for now. When it comes to ao time you write John David as you want and then you can slowly drop the David and leave it as a middle name.
We changed lo' s name for reasons explained on a recent thread, even though sw didn't want us to. We didn't ask permission, just wrote it as we wanted on the application to court.

WereJamming · 13/08/2015 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

marmalade999 · 13/08/2015 06:19

Thanks lovelies. All the social workers just laughed about it yesterday. LO is a perfect match and they have him in mind for us for ages. We're both quite p1ssed off they have put us in this position. They have also had problems placing him so i'm hoping they may support us. If they say no then he will be referred to as eg David John (so foster carers do that too) to make swapping it over in a few months possible.
Social workers never cease to amaze us!!

OP posts:

Original poster

marmalade999 · 13/08/2015 06:44

Slkk-did it jeopardise your adoption when they knew your intention to change name?

OP posts:

slkk · 13/08/2015 08:26

Court very soon so I'll let you know! To be honest, we have other issues with the court so I'm trying not to think about it too much..... Social workers haven't mentioned it to us yet since application.

Kimi10 · 26/09/2015 06:36

Our system is different, I think, but here, social workers are very against changing birth names.

That being said, our social workers allowed us to change our ds name, not for the same reason though.

I don't think it works to have two children with the same name, same address, etc. They will have identity issues all the time. You will have trouble registering them for things, bank stuff will get messed up, etc.

slkk · 26/09/2015 09:13

Marmalade, we just received adoption order and nobody mentioned the name change. I'm not sure sw even noticed it to be honest as she referred to him as birthname newsurname the other day.

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