Contacting birth mother after 30+ years? Please help/advise...

[Cocococotton]

Hi everyone,

I have a question about right and wrong ways to go about getting in contact with my birth mother, if I even should at all.

I’ve never posted on here before, and I’m not really sure why I suddenly had the urge to go seeking my birth family online (I was adopted as a baby in the mid-1980s) but I think it was the birth of my own little one that got me thinking about life and family again.

I’ve always been fairly comfortable with my history, and, while intrigued, have never been too keen to go searching. But I’ve had some details - my adoptive parents, who have always been amazing, have been as honest with me as possible. So, for about 10 years, I have had the name of my birth mother (didn’t know the exact spelling of her first name, and assumed she may have married since) and a vague location, and I guess having some information has always made me intrigued about having more.

Anyway, I was up with the LO the other night, and a very basic search of archives.com and Facebook led me - I’m 99% sure - to my birth mother. She has no privacy settings on FB, which I thought she might, in the knowledge I may one day attempt to get in touch. She gave birth to me very young - I have always understood and respected her reasons for giving me up for adoption (as I say, I am comfortable with everything, as it seems to have worked out well for everyone involved). All the documents my adoptive family have shown me suggest my birth mother was a girl from a supportive family, who found herself in a difficult situation and a young age, and then wanted to go back to that supportive family and resume her life.

Maybe it’s an itch I shouldn’t have scratched - at least through the ‘unofficial’ forum of Facebook - but the intrigue had finally got the better of me after 10 years of occasional Google searches that yielded nothing.

So the other night, I found her. Or at least I’m sure I did. From the pictures, she appears happily married with great kids. Seeing pictures of my half-siblings, though, only further sparked my intrigue.

But I’m torn over what to do next. Do I send a tentative message via Facebook, masking certain details in case her husband or kids see it before she does? Do I tell my adoptive parents I plan to get in touch with my birth mother? Do I go through a more official channel?

Sincere apologies if any of this sounds self-serving and/or needy. It’s not meant to be. It’s just that, after more than a decade of knowing the basic facts, I have now put a human face to what was previously only a name and an idea.

They all seem so happy, though, and I don’t want to drop a bombshell on her and her family, although I figure she may be expecting contact at some stage?

Apologies again guys - head’s just a bit scrambled.

Thank you for reading.

This sounds exactly like my situation, more than 20 years ago. Mine is a story with a happy ending BUT there are many people who don't get a positive response when they contact their biological parents.

My BM was initially shocked when contact was made (before the world was on Facebook, lived in a tiny village, everyone knew everyone, no secrets) but also utterly overjoyed to find out what I'd gone on to do / be / turn out like. I too had half-sibling (x 3) who came along long after me; I now count them amongst my best friends. We all see each other a number of times a year, despite one of them living abroad and are very much a part of each others lives.

I spoke to my parents about my intentions and, whilst they understood, I know it was hard for them.Even now, I downplay the relationships I have with my biological 'family'.

Perhaps you could Facebook message this link - that way you still have some anonymity if she doesn't want contact but she has a way to contact you or just ask some questions, set some boundaries etc.

I wish you lots of luck - you have exactly the same attitude about the wonder of adoption as I do.

oh, and feel free to message me about 'my story'.

you can get proper support from organisations like the BAAF - their website has helpful links to local teams, for example, if you want someone in RL to give you advice.

I traced my bm pre fb and used an intermediary service. I imagine getting a message on fb would be quite a shock but who knows she could be desperate for you to get in touch or unfortunately she rather you wouldn't. I do think support from a professional third party is the way forward that way whatever response you get you didn't just dive in but did it in a measured and sensitive and fully supported way. Having said all that if she was right there in front of you I would be so tempted to message her!!!

Hi OP, you're curiosity and wish to know more is absolutely natural and not at all selfserving or needy. However as you know, it's a delicate situation for everyone - i would reiterate closers post - using an intermediary to help manage contact and also ensure you are comfortable at every stage would be my recommendation. I can't access at the moment but there is evidence that carefully managed contact has better longterm results for everyone. Birth ties or baaf would be able to help you and are expert's in the most effective contact and ensuring both you and your birth mum are on the same page and expectations are well managed. Best of luck

Please, please be careful to protect yourself. I did try and contact BM and wrote a short and non demanding letter. I received a letter back telling me not to contact her again as I was part of her life she had no desire to remember, It was like being abandoned again. That was 20 years ago and it still hurts. My only consolation was perhaps she wasn't my type of person as she left me on a railway station when I was 7 and never saw her again.

Good luck XX

Hello, I did this and didn't receive the happy ending some might hope for, but was realistic to start off with.
I would suggest using an intermediary like a family finding unit if your LA has one.
Don't attempt it at a time when you are low or have no emotional support.
Be prepared for the unexpected and keep an open mind would be my best advice.
I'm happy to help if I can but don't want to write too much history here iyswim. You can pm anytime if it helps.
My dh was such a great support and I hadn't realised how strong you need to be to cope sometimes.
I certainly think it's normal to want to know and hope it goes well for you.
Certainly keep contact away from fb and go for something more formal.

A close family member of mine had a child and when child was v small - he allowed child to be adopted by his ex-girlfriends new husband. He never saw the child and she grew up thinking her step dad was her biological dad - until both parents dead and she was told the truth.

She got in contact via Facebook - but didn't come out with "are you my Dad?" But rather - she asked him a question which was very personal and knew that he would sort of know who she was just because of the question.

My close family member took a couple of days to get used to the idea and then they spoke. They now have a warm, friendly relationship - not a "father-daughter" relationship but more an "uncle-niece" relationship.

Good luck. I think she may well have left her privacy settings open because she thought you might get in touch.

Another vote for using an intermediary service . I didn't ( because I didn't know such a thing existed ) and received a very difficult response from my BM, which was very hurtful .

I don't mean to put you off , but remember it's only the happy stories that make it onto the Long Lost Family type programmes . So it's best to have lots of support and expert advice if possible

Why don't you look at your official adoption records first , to give you more background ?

Another one here that would recommend using an intermediary service. I didn't and ended up a very confused individual. it took me a few years to make sense of everything.

I found my BM (deceased) and a siblings via Genes Reunited. I had quite a positive reaction but found out things l wish l now didn't know.
Would l do it again? Probably as the need to know was an itch that needed scratched--would l do it differently..Oh YES

Good luck

Thank you so much for your replies - they have certainty answered a number of my questions and made a few things clearer. I guess, having resisted the temptation to scratch the itch for so long, I can wait a little longer and go via more official channels. Thank you. Will send a couple of DMs in next day or so as am keen to hear more about a couple of your stories. Feeling excited but also know the risks and have (I think) got my head straight-ish about the worst that could happen. Thanks again, lovely people.

I have had a look on the baaf website and they do have links with an intermediary service. I have worked for the local authority and knowing how they work from the inside I would avoid them, although some may be better than others. There are also registers where you can place your details that you want to be 'found' that's how my bm and I traced each other, we both register within a week of each other actually! I also agree with the poster who said her fb account may not be private in case you are trying to find her. Keep us posted won't you. No matter what it will be a bumpy journey and we are all keen to help out where we can.

Hi everyone,

Just an update since I posted the initial post a few weeks back.

So, I decided to take the plunge and fire off a Facebook message to my birth mother. Within a couple of hours, I saw she had read it, which made for a frantic and nervous wait. What if she didn't reply? What if she replied and told me to get lost? All these thoughts - and many more - were going through my head.

Anyway, after a few hours, she replied. And what a lovely, beautiful, perfect reply it was too... she said she had been waiting for this moment for years, and that she knew we would one day be in touch. She explained about my family - half-brother and sister - and how my half-sister is living in the same city as me. We messaged some more - all very positive - and agreed we should meet up. After both agreeing to take things slowly, it seems we both have the same kind of personality - and we soon decided to meet up two days later!

I was so nervous on the train to meet her - but as soon as we clapped eyes on each other, it felt so right. We had a meal, having had to send the waitress away about five times as we hadn't been able to focus on the menu, and caught up for a good few hours, with the conversation going all over the place and touching so many subjects.

We instantly clicked, and later, my half-sister arrived on the train from uni and, again, we seemed to click straightaway. A few days later, me, partner and little one visited my sister (who was back in the city where we both live) and she got to meet her niece, which she seemed so happy with. Am meeting half-brother this week, with birth mum coming down to visit, and everything has gone so well. It almost feels as if it has gone too well.

Have kept my parents informed, as that was all they asked for when it came to me ever searching for my birth family, and while they haven't said much - which makes me think they may be worried our relationship will somehow suffer - I've made a point of calling them a bit more often, even if it's just to talk about work or the little one etc.

Part of me feels it has all happened too quickly, but we're so alike and seem to have the same attitude to it, I almost wish I had done it a few years back.

Thanks for all those who commented or messaged me privately - I'm so glad I took the plunge!

Thank you for coming back to update us and I'm glad that it seems to be going well.

Can I just reiterate my advice to take things slowly ? It can be a bit like a new romance , with strong feelings on both sides. People can decisions and commitments that they regret later , it can get very intense .

Give yourselves time to integrate this into your life and see how you want things to be going forward .

You are very wise to look after the relationships in your existing family, it can be very unsettling for them . I'm sure they will be reassured when they see that nothing has changed in your feelings for them .

I've done same I went through proper channels I see her once a year and have her telephone number try not to contact her to often I no things were alot different years ago took a while for that to sink in

@Davy32 This thread is 10 years old, so if you want support you should start your own thread. Anyone who see this will probably be responding to the OP.