Initial home visit- need advice from experienced adopters!

[tametortie]

We have completed our registration of interest form and have an initial home visit next week.

I feel really silly and really scared because at first glance, my chronology of life events makes me look like a complete wierdo!

I was a horrible teenager, my parents separated at 13 and I didn't get on with either of them, even lost contact for a while. Married my first boyfriend at 18, separated at 19, had my daughter with someone else at 21......just completely erratic and bonkers stuff really!!!

I met my now husband at 23 and we have had 11 blissful years together- my life is quiet, serene (apart from the 12 year old!), I have a great relationship with my mum and we are totally ready to share our life and family with an adopted child.

I am just really worried about my past and that the social worker will look at my life events and think I'm totally unstable. I know that looking back after my parents split, it caused a lot of anger and fall out and a lot of my actions were probably based on this upset and my need to belong to a family. I just wonder what a social worker will make of it all??!!

Personally I feel like I'm a better person for all I've been through and done but how do I get that across without blithering and getting stressed?

Can anybody offer some reassurance?

A social worker will think exactly what you have said (that you're resilient - that you've come through some tough times and are better for it) provided you frame it like that for them. No-one's life is perfect and sws want to know that you can have some empathy for the chaotic lives birth families have sometimes had. But don't necessarily rely on them to intuit that - spell it out for them as you have here.

Is it generally quite in depth? She said it would take a couple of hours and we would find out after a couple of days if we can proceed to stage one.

What should we expect?

Our first visit about 2 hours and was fairly detailed primarily on our reasons for coming to adoption. As Jane said, social workers aren't looking for people with no pasts but people who can show resilience and learning from their past. It's absolutely fine to demonstrate that you had a period when young of change and problems. The sw may focus on your relationships with your parents but lots of adopters have no contact or problematic relationships with their parents.
Good luck!

It's just sussing you out before spending money on assessing you. So any deal breakers basically. Some of that is very practical - do you smoke? Do you have a spare room etc etc

I think being a 'horrible teenager' is probably good practise for dealing with potentially difficult teenage years. If you can look back and remember what you were feeling and why you were acting out that is bound to help you empathise.

Thanks guys- loads of helpful info. I might try and write down my feelings and key points before the meeting to get it 'straight' in my head.

The lessons learnt really struck a chord because my focus with my daughter is very much about learning from mistakes and teaching her about empathy and communicating (trying not to shout!) so that she learns that when she displays difficult teenage rush behaviour, she understands the impact on everyone. I think that's something I definitely learnt from the difficult relationship with my mum because as soon as we argued, communication just shut down on both our parts. And we were both so stubborn and hot headed we wouldn't speak for weeks. Whereas with DD now, I focus loads on being able to talk and apologise when we do argue. It might not work forever but I hope it will. I definitely look back and try to do the opposite of what my mum did!!

That's a great example - write it down because you will be able to use it later . There's a lot of " homework " during the home study .

Thank you- feel a lot more positive now! X

TBh the perfect families are very scary

The ones who say " we have a beautiful home , a wonderful marriage and immaculately dressed and beautifully behaved children who are all top of their classes . So we want to share our wonderfulness and perfection with a little needy orphan " really get on my tits

Tametortie - hello remember me from fertility threads! We adopted a little boy over a year ago and I have a birth dd of 10.

Agree with others.

Show what you have learnt, how you are resilient, etc etc. No one is perfect and perfect is Stafford-wife-scary!

Read up on your own story so you can say it easily without getting mixed up. Of course if your marriage was short their was a reason, you gave it a go and it didn't work out. Lots of people get married or live with partners and do not end up raising families with them. it's modern life. Try not to worry.

Good luck.

Hello, yes I do remember you!!

How are things Italian?

our first meeting was really laid back 2 sw came one was a trainee. they ask why adoption but as we are same sex it's less of a question. They asked about relationship s and friendships and how it would change our life . it was a really positive meeting and if it doesn't feel good find a different agency

Agree having overcome some adversity is a positive in showing that you have resilience and empathy with children who haven't had a perfect life either.

You can expect to be probed quite a bit on why you want to adopt, and how you think your BC will react to a new sibling, what you would do if there was a rift between BC and AC etc Think through some good answers to these sorts of things, but there's nothing wrong with saying - occasionally! - that you would want to work this sort of thing through in more detail in the homestudy with their expert help.