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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Facebook

67 replies

kmarie100 · 21/07/2015 12:52

So just wondered if anyone else had found their lo's birth family on Facebook?
What are the pros and cons keeping an eye on what they are up to up?

OP posts:

InfinitySeven · 25/07/2015 21:59

Dontcha that's not true. I work there, and it's not true. It isn't even possible at the moment with the way the two features work.

Whatever happens to you sounds distressing, but simply searching someone on Facebook will not cause them to show in people you may know.

Dontcha · 25/07/2015 22:09

Well that definitely happened to me.

I have also experienced this in online dating where someone has searched for my name and then they suddenly appear in people you may know. No friend request, no other links to me or people I know.

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2015 22:16

Anyone who does not want other people to look at their Facebook pages can put their security settings so only their friends can see what is on there.

I think it is not immoral to look at things people post on the internet. it's a choice.

It is good to remember, for all of us, anyone who has access for our Facebook pages can copy photos. We should all be careful to ensue our Facebook and other internet stuff is secure.

I also think it is important to remember that what people post on Facebook or elsewhere on line may not be true! They could paint any kind of picture of themselves, it may not be real, it may paint them in a worse of better light. It is important for anyone looking to remember that and for our kids, when they are older, if they are looking up relatives on the Internet to remember that too.

Maryz · 25/07/2015 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neednewflowers · 26/07/2015 07:38

If you look at someone's profile you don't then show up as people you may know. That's a myth.

StaceyAndTracey · 26/07/2015 08:15

I'm not an expert , but I think Fb has access to your email addresses. Linked in certainly does, because it's always offering me work colleagues as " contacts " , and I've definitely never searched for them on linked in or FB .

Anxious - re privacy of birth family photos - we do the same as we're jamming. Even the siblings of the adopted children have not seen any photos , only the children it concerns . We don't ban them from showing their siblings, it's just been their choice .

We never ever give any named information to anyone else , including school or doctors - they might have a genuine need to know the child was adopted but never names or details of anyone concerned .

So if a doctor says " does he have a family history of asthma ? " I might just say " he was adopted so we don't know " or " he was adopted but we were told one of his parents has asthma" .

Second one pretty unlikely I'm afraid , I don't know anyone who has a medical history, even of one parent and two grandparents . which can make life very difficult and sometimes even dangerous for the child

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2015 12:33

Re - "Still makes me sad that I won't get a photograph of little one as he grows though."

Anxious, is there a reason why you wont?

We send photos to our son's birth family, this was by agreement.

If you would like this and our son is adopted you could ask if it is possible to meet the adoptive parents some time and ask them or you could ask your social worker if this could be considered in the future.

I was not very happy about this at first but as time has gone on I have felt more secure in my relationship to our little one and have felt actually very happy to send photos, which the birth family view at a contact centre and do not get to keep. Feel free to PM me if you want to ask more.

I second what StaceyAndTracey said, our son had the choice to show his birth family photo to his sister (our birth dd) and he chose to. DD was not really that bothered! The photos are special and are private, they are not on display. they are available to our son when he wants.

We do not share any information about our son's birth family or discuss them with others outside the family. They are special people in our son's life and we respect their privacy. We are in letterbox contact and hope to meet them in person one day.

anxious123 · 26/07/2015 12:49

Tbh I have no idea italiangreyhound apparently it's standard practice for the LA here. When I spoke about it months ago to his first SW she made it sound like because I'd given him up I didn't deserve them so haven't gone back for more of the same since as she's probably right

SillyOldElfBackToYourself · 26/07/2015 13:13

I was found by my bd on Facebook when she was about 14. Someone from a adoption charity came and said she had been looking at my Facebook and knew everything about me and even whereabouts I lived and there was a possibility she could turn up at my door.
In the end I wrote a letter to her and I think her adoptive parents persuaded her that it was a bad idea and she should wait until she was older.
I didnt hear anything else until she sent me a friend request about three years later.
We have exchanged the occasional PM since.
It had never crossed my mind about her finding me like that. I couldn't look for her as I never knew her family's surname.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 26/07/2015 13:14

anxious - we send photos to the LA for BPs to view in their offices but not take away. is that something you could suggest?

I've never looked up BPs on FB - it feels a bit like looking up ex-BFs: idle curiosity can easily turn into something more and unhealthy. And although taking copies of photos from someone's FB pages might not be illegal it is certainly bad netiquette

anxious123 · 26/07/2015 13:20

I'll see what the SW says when I speak to her but i don't hold out much hope. Just glad his old SW has gone as she was anti-contact about everything. At one stage she suggested half hour for a farewell contact.

StaceyAndTracey · 26/07/2015 13:29

Anxious

The SW is not right and you don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully by her

anxious123 · 26/07/2015 13:33

Luckily it was the old SW who was a bit of a witch to say the least, his current one has been brilliant so far.

StaceyAndTracey · 26/07/2015 13:43

I'm glad you've got someone better now

They shouldn't be in the job if they can't be non judgemental

Telladomi · 26/07/2015 16:55

If someone has a public FB profile they can't have an expectation of privacy - they're posting their information and pictures for the whole internet to see, including people they might not want to. If you hacked a profile or pretended to be someone else to befriend them then that would be different, of course.

But having said that, I don't think it's healthy to FB stalk the BF (or anyone else). For your own well-being I would suggest blocking them so it's harder for you to slip into it. It sucks if you wanted earlier photos, or want to know what they're up to, but the adoption process didn't allow that for whatever reason so I would leave it.

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2015 18:00

Anxious I agree with StaceyAndTracey Mostdefinitely The SW is not right and you don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully by her

!!! angry for you!

re *... it's standard practice for the LA here. When I spoke about it months ago to his first SW she made it sound like because I'd given him up I didn't deserve them so haven't gone back for more of the same since as she's probably right."

She is not right, you deserve respect and to if it can be arranged for you to have some form of letter box of photo contact that will be helpful for you and your son. He will grow up knowing how much you care about him. Hopefully the adoptive parents will not find this threatening. Because it is not.

Italiangreyhound · 26/07/2015 18:11

I think the ownership of photos is a curious subject. I certainly would not want anyone taking my or my children's photos from Facebook or elsewhere but in situations where someone is the mum or dad of a child through adoption and a baby photo is on the facebook page of the birth parent and that photo is of a child you have care of, I do not see it wrong to take it for the child to have when they are older. I would not be advocating re posting it or anything at all. But the photo will mean a lot to the child, and it is of them. Likewise if they had no photo of the birth parent and the birth parent had one of themselves on the Facebook page I would not see it as unethical to take it for the child. Personal opinion.

I agree reading Facebook pages is unlikely to be helpful or calming long term, I would not advocate it, but I would personally take a photo if I felt it was the right thing to do.

And this is of course, as Telladomi says If you hacked a profile or pretended to be someone else to befriend them then that would be different, of course.

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