Facebook

[kmarie100]

So just wondered if anyone else had found their lo's birth family on Facebook?
What are the pros and cons keeping an eye on what they are up to up?

I would be horrified if any adoptive parent shared a photo of you with anyone except your child. Regardless of whether it was scraped off facebook or given via contact. Its a photo for your child not for them or their family or their mates.

I haven't ever met an adoptive family who would do this mind you but I can see why it would worry you. But it's wise to restrict the settings on FB to friends and family because otherwise you rely on ever person on facebook being sensible.

I haven't looked for BPs on FB (despite temptation) but I do know that the photos of BM and BF in our life story book were obtained by the SW going on FB and getting them from there. Because otherwise we would have no images of either of them at all (and we have no photos of LO with them). SW copied one photo of each of them that was public to view, head and shoulders shot of them smiling, no other people or things in the pic. It is better than nothing - or at least, I think so at the moment.

Is it a breach of privacy? Yes, I suppose - but they were public images, not obtained by deception or anything...

I think the child's best interest is the most important thing

But the BPs right to privacy is more important that someone's idle curiosity .

I think miracle is wise to suggest not using your real name on FB . I think that many people involved in the adoption triangle do this - I know I do and so do my children .

But of course it's not a breach of privacy to use something that is in the public domain .

If you don't use your real name, and you are reported to Facebook, they will lock your account until you provide ID in the correct name. They are pretty hot on this.

It may be worth the risk in these cases, but it's worth keeping in mind so that you never keep anything on Facebook that you wouldn't want to lose. Sooner or later, they will probably try to verify your account, and then you'll lose access to it.

id rather risk the wrath of Facebook than risk my family's safety

Better a deletion than a fire bomb through the letter box

I didn't know that repeat, I didn't realise using a fake name wasn't allowed on there.

Anxious, Miracle as mentioned above, you are clearly cooperative in this regard but many adopters, myself included, don't have that. In our case BPs refused to meet us and left our children with very little by way of keepsakes. I write every year but don't receive a response. I really wish they would make an effort as I feel this will only compound any feelings of rejection my kids will feel as they learn their story. I'm doing my best to fill the gaps in for them. Their birth family photos I feel are their right. They're not my right but they are their right and to that end I felt downloading them was right.

The photos I took I put straight on a memory stick and locked it away - I've not viewed them in years since the day I downloaded them and have no desire to but if our children do when they are older they can. I also tend to think having zero security and literally plastering FB with photos is an open invite. I would never show those photos to anyone bar my children and I really can't see any adopter doing that - it isn't something you want to advertise, especially where safety issues are concerned and the three degrees of separation. When anyone has asked me about my childrens history I explain its theirs and nobody else's therefore no one else gets to hear it apart from them.

The other thing some birth parents do is put up photos on FB and circulate them saying the kids have been taken / are missing and to share the status.....I would want to keep an eye from the point of view that if they did that I could alert SS (ss let's face it, they're busy people) that my child's photo was attempting to be shared as a 'missing child'. It's not as unlikely as it sounds unfortunately.

I've always been a bit dubious when I see those "taken" posts on fb... More so since I've become involved in care proceedings (albeit I consented so not an issue for me per say).

I'm lucky in that my sons forever mum was very open to meeting with me, and we spent half an hour together so I maybe don't feel the need to snoop as much on her. I respect the fact that until he's 18 I cannot contact him other than letterbox and in years to come I ponder what will happen if he decides to approach me via social media before that age? Much as I'd like it, id prefer it if it was arranged through the proper channels and not having a curious teenager, potentially without his parents knowing, popping up. But that's years away from being a risk yet (he's only a few months past his 1st birthday!).

anxious if more adopters had BPs like you, I don't think we'd ever feel the need to look on FB. It sounds like the difference here - and I'm treading carefully trying to say it right - is that you genuinely care about what is best all round for everyone and understand how complicated and delicate these things are. I hope that came out right! I'm trying to compliment you without patronising you. I worked with care proceedings for many years before adopting so I've seen it both ways iyswim and not many BPs were as thoughtful as you are coming across as. Generally the best defence was offence and it never ended well.

I am aware that they could lock my Facebook .However I have plans to legally change my name by deed poll to the name on Facebook however I now feel I shouldn't be telling my son's parents that I have changed my name at all it is not a major life event in my opinion and letterbox I use only my first name which will remain .They are aware I was married and getting divorced so they should be considering I won't be using my married name any more.

I don't have my profile open but how long before a stranger tries adding me under fake profiles to get info or pictures. How long before they get curious about where abouts I work etc?

I'll be blunt and say I think it's unlikely. I can't see many adopters wanting to directly contact a BP, I speak only for myself in saying we just want to get on with our lives as a family and if contact is sought in years to come we'll go through the proper channels only.

Those like myself who have looked tend to be the ones who can't get the info from the BPs that they think their kids may want one day. It's not about stalking and it's not an 'us and them' scenario, it's just about trying to cushion the children involved and do everything we can to piece things together for them. There's a natural curiosity no doubt from both sides in the early stages of the process trying to fit it all together, but that fades as life rolls on.

if someone posted photos of me on FB without my permission , I wouldn't have the slightest problem with making copies of them for myself . I can't see how they belong to the person who posted them in any moral or legal sense .

Same with your child, precious . Surely his baby photos belong to him?

If people were concerned about a child's privacy, they wouldnt be posting photos of them on FB. There's not a single one of any of my kids on my account.

I have never mentioned my son directly on fb nor have I posted photos of him and I have zero intention of changing that. The photos I have of our time together are ours and in that respect he/his forever family (he's too young at present to be responsible for photos being just over a year old!) & of course his SW have a copy. They are not mine to dish out to all an sundry.

I'm sure you are very respectful and responsible, anxious , and I hope your bio child's adopters appreciate that and reciprocate .

It used to be that lots of adopters would send photos of their child to the birth family , but sadly that's mostly stopped as so many people were putting them all over social media . Can you imagine how awful that would be for the child - to have another child at school coming up and saying

" I saw you on Facebook, it says your name isn't really David it's Darren and you were stolen as a baby and your parents are kidnappers and your real dad is going to find them and kill them when he gets out of prison " ?

I totally appreciate that some birth parents don't act at their most rational, particularly if they've percieved their child's adoption as SW/forever family stealing children. Still makes me sad that I won't get a photograph of little one as he grows though.

A bit off topic but still about photographs I guess... How do you all view your child's farewell contact photos of you've got them? To me, until my sons old enough to responsibly say otherwise, those photos are private between me, him, his social worker (she took them so was part of it anyway!) and his forever family as even though they weren't part of his life then (pre placement) it'll be them that explain it to him as appropriate, anyone else can pretty much jump in my opinion - even my closest friend of 21 years hasn't seen them! I don't know if I'm being over cautious or insular about it but they're essentially photos of me and him spending our potentially final hour together and as such nobody else's business

Same as were said anxious - the photos we were given of the farewell contact are locked in a fireproof box along with anything else of great importance. It's simply not appropriate to share them and just wouldn't cross my mind to do so. Even my parents and in-laws don't know our children's history, the first names of BPs, or anything like that; they've never asked, they take the kids as their grandkids, and that's that. We only raise what is necessary if it's trauma related and a certain thing triggers it and they need to be aware of it.

Adopters are sent on a four day course as part of the process and there are lots of follow up courses and events out there - I can't see many of us ever taking the enormous responsibility we have placed upon us lightly. Because we have to work at the bond and trust with our kids, I can't see any of us ever wanting to breach that, and sharing private details would be a breach. I inwardly flinch when people ask me for details, I just say it's not up for discussion.

Beware!! If you search for someone you will come up in their 'people you may know'.

I know this as I did exactly what the op asked. I wanted to see how easy it was for my dc to find their birth family as they are old enough to use social media now and know the names of birth parents.

It backfired badly I'm afraid so if anyone is considering doing this, use someone else's account.

Btw I think this is a relatively new feature of Facebook (that if you search someone you come up in people you may know) and there have been several threads on here about it.

If you do search for them and find them you can always block them. Then they don't appear to you and you don't appear to them.

It's enormously tempting to look up on Facebook but I have resisted. mainly because of the fear of them knowing no matter how unlikely that may be (kind if like always feeling guilty when you see a policeman-or is that just me?)
As for farewell contact photos we have never been given them, I assumed they were for the bp's?