Becoming a parent when you are adopted yourself - anyone any comments?

[madamez]

Am having another of those "shall I try to trace my birth mother" moments. I'm 41, now have Ds aged 2. I'd like to know but at the same time I don't know if it's worth the upheavals it might cause. Anyone else got any thoughts?

fizzbuzz - i know a lot of adoptees feel ambivalent, like you. But I think you have to accept that many others DO feel desperate to find out more information or have contact. Some feel able to understand the circumstances that led to their adoption, other are very hurt or angry. Some have no interest at all and are very happy with the family they have. Many of us move between these feelings as we get older, out own life circumstances change or we begin to search.

For example, its common for adoptees to start thinking about searching when they become parents themselves

I woudl agree with Bugsy's advice to use an agency if possible ( I dont mean a private detective, unless you feel you want one, i mean one of the adoption charities who do this) . Its also good to get some counselling first. Its a very emotional journey for many

cam you find out information without the BM knowing.. ie sometimes I would like a name details etc, just to see if they are the same as my parents told me... but I DO NOT want to meet birth parents... Just have NO interest...

I don't have any issues with BM. best thing she did, as I have had the best childhood ever and couldn't have had better parents (unfortunately both passed away now)... so therefore I don't feel a need to met BM..

Maybe just interested in some details to pass onto DD if she asks... can you get family history etc?

I agree, but when I did trace bm it was really a big non-event. I didn't feel any emotinal pull to her at all. All I felt was "Yeah well you were just the vessel". It didn't have any real big impact on my life at all. The people wo really mattered were my adopted family.

Bm got really possesive about me and ds, and started to say things like "I want to come and stay at your house (this was when I hadn't actually met her) and DS was "technically" her grandchild. That last comment sent me running for the hills! Ds may have genetically been her grandchild, but emotionally and every other way he was my adopted mums granchild.

It was all too much so I backed away

You can apply for a copy of your original birth cert. which will give you mother's name and address at the time (and possibly father's details).

I do think everyone's feelings are going to vary - adoptees are jsut people like everyone else and some will feel a need to seek their roots, others will not be too fussed.
I've always been sort of vaguely interested but not that bothered and it's never seemed worth the upheaval it might cause in other people's lives. Also, for every story about touching happy reunions, there are stories about people whose birth families turned out to be nutters, or refused all contact. Don't think I'd be too thrilled to find out that (for instance) Fred West had been my BF...

heifer - you can also see the court papers and perhaps also the records held by the adoption agency concerned. They might give you a little more information, probably your BMs name, DOB, address, occupation etc. I dont think they woudl have a lot of other family information although you might be lucky. There are also adoption contact registers in some countries . You can just take everything one step at a time and stop whenever you want to. Lots of adoptees do one bit and then go no further. or put things on hold. Perhaps even for years

The advantage of going through an intermediary is that you dont have to give out any of your personal information if you dont want to so there is no danger of birth family making contact if you dont want it

My FIl was adopted, in fact he was literally abandoned (but it is known who she was, he has a name for her). I do know he regrets not tracking down his BM to ask why (unusual circumstances of course) and now he's ready, she's probably either passed away or extremely old.

I know he also wonders increasingly abot his health as he heads for old age, and wonders if there are any family health issues he should be aware.

He does feel though it wouldn't have been worth the hurt to his adopted family to do it earlier, they love / loved him (depending on whether they're stilla round) him very well, and from the outside I can see that he has been a lot more fortunate in his family relationships than many people I know.

Wow Christie, that's a very unusual set of circumstances. I imagine there aren't that many women who are both BMs and adoptive mothers.

Christie: I share your cringe - aparently the agency who handled the adoption assured my adoptive parents that I had "no jewish and no coloured" relatives. Is it really only in the last 20 years that anthropology has shown we are all a very mixed cocktail...?
I was 3 weeks old when adopted, and handed over with, apparently, several bags' worth of handmade baby clothes.
Yes, I do thin kI probably have to go and set the wheels in motion.

Interesting about the ethnic prigin. FIL was conceived just as the localy posted American airmen were returned home after the war. His adoptive Aunt (also the nursery nurse at the orphanage) knows about his heritage but refuses toreveal as it is 'shocking'- she is rather racist. Dh has Afro typr hair, and skin dark enough that people often assume that he is mixed race.

But we agree its quite a nice thing not to know- citizen of the world and all that. And ds1 has the most fab blonde (from my family) tightly curled hair

my grandfather was adopted - and didn't find out until he was 18. He is still very hurt by the knowledge he was given up, refuses to discuss it. He has to my knowledge, never sought out his birth parents.

My DP was adopted and entertained the idea during his 20's. We just had our first DS and I knew it was going to be a turning point of sorts - as I said on my thread here, he decided that this was the "start" of a new family and all that mattered to him...

Good luck in your deciding.

Hi all, I am an adoptee and i have 2 beautiful children. Getting back to the OP, i would just like to say that becoming a parent was a wonderful, emotional, magic moment for me (both times). At last i have what i have waited my whole life for, someone with my blood. I know it sounds weird to those of you who had happy childhoods, but i did not, nor was it particularly unhappy, it just was what it was, not special. I always longed for a real family that i felt a true part of and becoming a parent brought back alot of painful issues for me around abandonment etc. I remember the day my daughter was born looking into her eyes and asking 'how could anyone give up a child?'. I know they have their reasons, and you can't know a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes, but i guess that's just a product of my F'd up headspace around this.

by the way, i did trace, looking for a happier ending i guess, i did not find it in my birthmother, i found it in the eyes of my own children.

Here's a poem that i remember my (adopted) mother reading to me when i was very young. I have never forgotten the words...

Not flesh of my flesh,
Not bone of my bone,
But still, miraculously, my own.
Never forget for even a minute,
You did not grow beneath my heart,
But in it.

Shame she didn't really back it up with actions though.

Sleepfinder, i can really understand your grandfathers pain. I also totally understand your DP's stance. My children (and hubby) are all all the family i need, they make everything else seem so irrelevant and distant. There is more than enough love there to fill every last bit of me. I'm glad your DP has found his peace in your family together.

i recently got to see my birth records and court papers via ss. They didnt reveal much at all but i know I am not really ready to contact BM and may never do so.
I have recently found my brother whom Bm had when i was 15 months old. I am now getting to know him, so feel like something good has come out of it.