Becoming a parent when you are adopted yourself - anyone any comments?

[madamez]

Am having another of those "shall I try to trace my birth mother" moments. I'm 41, now have Ds aged 2. I'd like to know but at the same time I don't know if it's worth the upheavals it might cause. Anyone else got any thoughts?

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Well DH is adopted and has NO interest in tracing his BM even though both of his adoptive parents are now dead. I am quite curious though!

On the other hand a friend of mine who is adopted was like you and wavered about whether she should or not. She did in the end but discovered that her BM had died 6 months before.

Coincidentally the same friend had a baby at 16 that was adopted and he has recently traced her. I haven't spoken to her for ages so not sure how it is going now but it was going well last time we spoke.

just a thought.....if you decide to do it later your birth mother might have died . I knwo a few people this has happened to and they wish they had searched sooner.

What upheaval are you woried about? To you or to your birth family? Its certainly a very emotional thing to do. Is it the right time in your life for you to embark on this? Is your DH/Dp/ supportive?

( quick aside - hi YG, how's it going? How's your April baby? ( sophie I think???). Mine is HELL ON WHEELS I'm thinking of selling him on ebay)

oops x posted with budababe

I met my birth mother when I was pregnant with my first child four years ago. We are great friends now and I have no regrets. My birth grandfather died young but I met my birth granny once, she's lovely. (Now she has dementia so I'm glad I met her when I did...)
I love my parents and of course my birth mother is not any kind of replacement for them. But it's amazing to find out about genetic stuff, family history etc. I'm lucky it's been such a positive experience.

I am adopted and found out more about my birth family when I was about 20 - although I didn't want to meet them at the time and I still haven't. But it was interesting (and emotional) to read the social services reports, birth documents and descriptions of the family.

It was enough to satisfy my curiosity. I could also have seen counsellors with a view to taking things further but I didn't want to.

This 'halfway' stage might be something for you to consider?

Yes, do some research first of course. My story is a bit strange; my parents had a copy of the entire adoption file by mistake, so I already knew she'd been a college student, where she was from etc. It reassured me that we sounded a lot alike.

I'm aware that anyone I trace might be dead - they might have walked under a bus a day after putting me up for adoption. My mum (as in mum who brought me up) was with me at the birth of DS and said to me in the first hours after having him " now could you give him up for adoption?"I had talked before the birth about giving baby away for adoption but would not give up my son now I have him. Not judging my bio mother - things were a lot different then (I am 41). Sorry to rant on.

Interesting that you were alike Skerriesmum - I was adopted by v. wealthy parents whilst birth mother was one of 8 children, including 2 sets of twins, her parents were depressives/alcoholics, 2 of the younger children had been taken into care. It was really quite eye-opening.

But whatever 'surprises' there are, it doesn't detract from who you are now and your relationship with your adopted parents.

I can't imagine the pain of having to give one's baby away. I know my birth mother was v. young and had no family support so she had no choice but the grief must have been dreadful.

I traced my bm when my ds was a baby. I was adopted at 9 weeks old, and could never ever have given ds away at 9 weeks.
I traced her, and it was very hard. She lived in Canada, and had no dc's so she came on really strong and scared me away. Haven't communicated with her for years.
However dd is now 4 months old, and am getting inclination again, the genectic pull is very strong.
Would always say that adoptive family are real family, and bm a side issue.
It can be a massive upheaval, that is why you have to have counselling.
Don't have any advice really, it is a huge thing, but when I met bm, all sorts of bits and pieces fell into place (stuff like talents, and height-all sorts)

I am just like yorkiegirl.. I had the best parents I could wish for. they are unfortunately now both gone.. and still don't feel the need to find BM...

BUT - someone asked me the other day what about DD, does she have a right to now her BGM etc... and know her family genes etc...

Never thought of it that way... has got me thinking I guess.

The one strange thing, is now my parents are both passed away, my brother (not birth brother as I was the only one adopted) has started looking into the family history etc.. but I am just not interested... I really felt that my parents were my parents - but their parents are just not part of my world IYKWIM.... don't feel any connection to my adopted family other than my parents and brothers....who I don't really see as adopted family at all...

If I had to do my family tree it would start from my parents.... and I think that is what my friend was talking about when she asked was that fair on DD.....

I'm fairly new to MN and haven't posted much, but this thread really caught my eye. I got pregnant at 16 and gave the baby up for adoption. It was an incredibly hard decision, but made entirely out of love. My mum was very ill at the time (and died not long after this) and I felt that getting accidentally pregant was my punishment for her illness. Mum said that it was best for the baby to have a good start in life with loving parents unable to have their own children, rather than be brought up by a teenage mum who had just failed her o'levels. I saw lots of lovely social workers who advised me that it was a selfless and entirely loving act giving a baby up for adoption. I haven't regretted my decision (which, I must say, was incredibly hard to make) and now have two children, but I think about my little girl all the time - she will be 23 now. Her adoptive parents who were very grateful to me (and even sent me a photo of the baby via the social services which is pretty unheard of) always said they would tell her that she was adopoted and under what circumstances. I really hope she will find me and have registered my details with the adoption register and with adoption charities. I would love her to meet her half siblings and aunties. I think it's a very hard decision for adoptees to make, but please try and make contact. Your real mum has probably been hoping for this moment all your life. Lots of luck with it.

I have had comments about DC,s right to know about heritage. I think there is some sense in it, and if I traced again it would be for this reason

This thread is really making me think about things again, meeting other people who have been adopted isn't that easy, and I never felt comfortable about discussing it with my family, even though they were supportive.

My DH has asked me recently how I would feel about our DCs looking into my birth family. I really don't know - I suppose they will have some curiosity about the whole adoption procedure whilst they're still young (and I'm happy to discuss it with them) but I imagine the DCs will be much older (teenagers or even adults?) before they had a desire to find out more than I already know or actually meet their birth grandmother. That gives me plenty of time to think about it!

As the child of an adoptee I would love to know more about my biological family. My mother would like to trace her birth mother. But sadly the trail went cold very quickly and we came to a complete stop. So we have to accept we will probably never know (and it's more than likely that she's dead already - she'd be in her 80s now). But even uncovering what little information we did was helpful to my mum. She only discovered she was adopted by accident, in her 40s, twenty years after both her parents had died so it helped to find out the few facts on record.

that must have been so shocking for your mother, edam? How did she feel? At least these days most adoptees are told that they are adopted as young chhildren

Well, we're alike in that we are intelligent, educated, are good at/enjoy dancing, have similar writing styles and love of reading. But she's very different from the rest of her family--the only one of 6 kids who went to college (on scholarship, birth grandad was in the military, they weren't well off.) It means a lot to her to have me in her life; I think before I had my own children, I wouldn't have understood how unbelievably hard her decision must have been.
Good luck with your research!

fizzbuzz: know what you mean about meeting other peole who were adopted. Whenever I meet anyone who was we always end up huddled in a corner rabbitting about it all night.
I am still thinking it over. If I'm going to do it it probably sould be fairly soon, while DS is still young enough simply to accept new people into his life if it turns out OK.

I am adopted and I find it hard to believe that anyone who is would have no interest in tracing their birth family. It was a very difficult thing to deal with emotionally but it is something I had to do.

I was very lucky as when I began my search my BM had registered her details. I made contact by letter at first then phone and after about a year we finally met. I was only 20 at the time and it was difficult as I did it all without telling anybody. My parents who brought me up never told me I was adopted and if the subject ever came up they changed it quickly.

It turned out that after giving me up my parents then married and went on to have 4 sons - all my natural brothers. We get on well and my children now have an extra set of Grandparents (who they call grandma etc) and lots of uncles and cousins who they never would have known. They know I have 2 mums and 2 dads and it has worked out really well for us. I had known them for more than 10 years when my children were born so the relationship was already established though.

For me being adopted has affected my whole life and a lot of things I have done eg moving away from home etc have stemmed from knowing I didn't really belong there - there was something missing. Of course everyone has a completely different experience when they decide to trace their roots but it is something I would recommend

Kristina, it was a HUGE shock. My mother was an only child and very close to her parents - idyllic childhood. I think in those days (1946) people didn't tell adopted children because of the stigma of illegitimacy. She only found out because she lost her (short) birth certificate and had to apply for a new one on joining the civil service. She got a letter back to say, you don't exist, try the adoption register. Appalling.

It took some time but she eventually got her head round it and understands why her parents did what they did. And why single mums in 45/46 had to give their babies up (there were a LOT of single mums during/after the war - you never knew if it was going to be the last time you'd see your boyfriend).

We employed a detective who specialises in adoptions but it was a private adoption and the county court records were destroyed in the 60s. No mother's birth certificate in this country - think she was Irish.

Some wierd coincidences, like Mum being born in London, not where she'd always believed, and the address being where her parents always parked their motorbike when they visited London - a residential street in a quiet neighbourhood so not somewhere you'd park if you didn't know the area. I had ds in the same hospital where my mother was born!

I always felt ambivalent about tracing bm. What really used to get on my was when I read stories about people who were adopted, who felt they couldn't exist properly, or made it a lifetime mission to trace bm. It just wasn't like that for me.
I was interested, but not to the point where nothing else mattered. I always thought the author needed to do their research much better, and actually talk to adoptees.

I traced my birth parents & it was a bit traumatic. My BM wanted me to assuage her guilt at giving me up by telling me that I'd had the best & happiest childhood/life.
My BF was very cautious. He is a very high profile politician & businessman & was incredibly nervous that I was going to expose him. (Which I had absolutely no intention whatsoever of doing.)
The whole thing didn't end well. My BM died of a brain tumour at 48 before I really got a chance to know her & my BF - well its a long story, but not a great ending.
I would advise anyone intending to find their birth parents to advance with caution & if at all possible go through NORCAP or an agency that will guide you through the process.

I am also adopted & would sometimes like to trace my BF. I know my BM died when I was born, I have even obtained a copy of her death certificate. My parents told me early on that I was adopted & that my mother had died in childbirth, but also that I would have been adopted anyway. That I now find hard to deal with as my BP's were married, however I assume my BM was disabled as reason for death was heart failure due to complications from polio & childbirth. I suspect that my BF would have found it very difficult to bring me up alone (1959) & that it was then frowned upon for 'disabled' mothers to have children.
The thing is I know more about my adopted mothers family than I do my BP's. That is another story though.