Asking a very blunt question

[PetraDelphiki]

Can I ask a very blunt question of all you experts please?

Is there any chance a 46 year old, with a husband who works away 3 weeks out of 4 and doesn't get home until 10 when he is in the country, would be able to adopt a baby?

(Not me btw)

Based purely on that information, my blunt answer would be 46 need not be an issue; one largely absent and potentially inconsistent parent would be something subject to intense scrutiny during any application to adopt...

I think even if they passed the assessment and were approved the biggest issue would be a child's sw seeing them as the best option given the current state of play with so many adopters waiting. There aren't many "babies" being placed because of the way the courts are working at the moment so there are numerous couples that sw's can choose from so they may find that is their stumbling block rather than approval itself.

I was told that most agencies don't like the age gap between parent and child to be more than 40 years in which case 46 could be considered to be too old for a baby. Maybe a 4/5 year old? There may be people on here who have a different experience though...

We adopted a 5 yo DC last year at ages 45 and 56. Can't really comment on your DP's working patterns, which may be an issue.

DC was seen as "hard to adopt" and so we got from 1st call to AO in 18 months. Flexibility will be your friend.

I know someone who has adopted and their DH is in Armed Forces so he is away for long periods of time. My DH also sees very little of our children in week due to time they go to bed and time he arrives home (arrives for story time), so if your DP is home at weekends it's not that far off.

However, I think Velvet has hit nail on head. It's not just about getting approved. As part of matching, SWs compare adopters against each other to decide who is best to parent each child. At the moment the number of adopters for the age group you seek to adopt far exceeds the number of children waiting. You could be compared to another 20+ adopters each time and likely come out less favourable.

Have you considered a slightly older age group? Our youngest was 28 months when they came home and I've still experienced a lot you'd experience with babies, nappies etc.

The only way you'll truly know if you'll get approved is to go along to an information evening and ask the questions and if one LA or VA says no, always visit another

Sorry, please change all the 'yous' to 'your friend'

Thanks all will pass this on.

Just out of interest what is the situation on adopting from abroad these days? I know someone who did it from the USA 15 years ago and had hell getting past the social workers to be approved because of his working hours (which weren't as bad as this)...is it still possible to do thst?

When DH and I adopted (35 and 40) he was in the military (in his last year, so the 'military' life was a short term thing). DD was nearly 7 and DD 5 (just) when they were placed.

He worked away during the week, coming back on weds nights and weekends. There was no chance of him being deployed further away due to his rank.

We committed to;

Me taking a year off work then going back part time so they had a primary care giver

Husband coming home early on Wednesdays so that kids could see him

Taking the kids to see where he worked so they could picture his working environment (important as they didn't realise people in the Army worked in boring offices as well as the front line!)

We went through a specialist VA who understood military lifestyles and we adopted a hard to place sibling group, not a baby.

My honest opinion? In the current climate, and if they're intent on adopting a baby, I think they're going to struggle.

There are some very knowledgeable people on here regarding overseas adoption, it can be done, I'm sure you'll get some great advice. All I remember when I personally had a fleeting thought about it, should we not be able to adopt in UK, was that when everything added in, it can cost about £20K...so if money is an issue, adopting from USA could be.

We're early 40s, husband works away midweek, and we adopted a one year old last year ( helped by the fact that we were one of the few couples who lived outside that la) so it's definitely possible. But we totally underestimated how much it would unsettle our LO, and has potentially caused more problems with attachment than might otherwise have faced. By the end of the week I'm on my knees and desperate for some time out. Could his work be adapted for him being nearer home?

I adopted a 10 month old when I was 46 and dp 48. Our age wasn't treated as an issue at any stage.

The almost-absent husband would be subject to a lot of scrutiny, though. To be fair, if I was a sw I would be very concerned about that on the face of it.

What exactly is your question about intercountry? The home study is exactly the same (give or take a bit about research on birth country) so the age/hours thing will be the same issue whatever country he adopts from.

There is no age bar per se in this country - just what is in the best interests of the child but more approved adopters at present than children so it might be a bit more tricky than "normal".

Some country have a minimum age gap rule (often 45 years) but it generally only applies to one partner.

You need to have nerves of steel to apply for intercountry adoption at the moment. With all its foibles the UK is a more reliable route at present.

I guess the question is is that going to be a more likely way to get a baby? I won't say easier as I appreciate that nothing about adoption is easy!

Do you mean is intercountry adoption a more likely way to get a baby?

What do you mean by baby? DS was 14 months when I brought him home, the youngest child I know of was about 9 months and that was exceptionally young.

But it depends what country they planning to adopt from, every country is different.

The USA is probably the country with the youngest possible children as you can do a very young private adoption of a near new born BUT the birth mother can change her mind at any point and it costs around $40,000 plus travel and accomodation costs plus the costs of a home study here around £6-10k plus legal and apostille costs.

China waiting time from log in date (maybe a year from starting the process) to travel is now in excess of six years, though I believe the special needs programme is shorter. I think you probably could get a child with special needs from China quite young (as they're obviously keen to get resolvable medical issues sorted as quickly as possible).

I think Russia may now be closed to UK adopters because of the same sex marriage law here but I'm not 100% sure of that (only 98%!).

There may be a couple of African countries are still possible but as I say it isn't for the faint hearted (it took me three years door to door) - its a roller coaster and many of the children are institutionalized which can come with its own issues.

You can contact the ICA centre to ask what countries are still possible - if intercountry adoption is in the double figures in the UK this year I'd be surprised.

Thank you!!