Possible? Or not?

[atthebeach]

To my surprise, I like my friend's children so much I am wondering about my own.

Unfortunately, I am single - haven't found anybody who appreciates just how fabulous I am (!)

The good: I have a "child friendly" job in teaching, a secure home, lots of love, a sense of humour and apparently give lovely hugs (a random compliment from a drunk person once!)

The bad: I will be honest - I'd like to adopt an under-3.

I have concerns about the process, all of which I will be straight up about as I'm thinking that if I am not suited to motherhood, or it to me, then it's best I gracefully decide so now.

I'm not sure about the "being matched" part. I can't imagine being shown a child and effectively deciding whether I am to be his or hers parent - can anyone talk to me a little more about this?

To what extent are the birth family an issue? I'd support my child doing what they like but I do have awful visions of investing 18 years of love and hope in a child for them to take off without a backward glance!

I suppose they are my main questions - that, and how long it all takes!

Oh gosh there's a lot to answer in that and I'm sure some better qualified person will be along to offer advice also.

1. You absolutely can adopt as a single adopter, many do!
2. How long it takes is an unknown. Appx 6 months to be approved then as long as it takes to find the right match which is currently quite a long time.
3. Under 3, it's possible and will depend on a few things. If you're prepared to consider an under 3 with additional needs it will be easier. If not I'll be honest you'll have an awful lot of competition and will really need to stand out from the rest to be given that opportunity. That said its all about finding the right parent for the child so if you are the right parent for a particular child then that will be the deciding factor.
4. Matching, it's very odd! I'm not sure I'm best to answer this as we were only shown 1 profile of a 2 month old baby boy with no additional needs or concerns so nothing to really say "he's the one" more "there's nothing that concerns us". I'm sure that's likely to be very different the older they are as they have their own personalities and likes and dislikes.
5. Birth family well there's the question we'd all like a crystal ball for. For us we decided we will be extremely open with our little man and support him if he decides to seek out bf when he's old enough. We just have to hope that by us Supporting him he can have a relationship with both if he so chooses rather than feel the need to choose.

Completely agree with Velvet. In addition.. We adopted toddlers so we did look at personality and likes and dislikes, but it was still very much does it feel right and more of a focus on there be nothing that we felt we couldn't handle. It feels weird agreeing to a match when you've never met the children beforehand but you wouldn't meet a birth child beforehand I suppose! They also give you a lot of information. The SW's also were good at advising and our match was just too perfect. They are so like us in so many ways, it's unbelievable we don't share DNA really.

As for birth parents/family... It is true in most cases that you will write to birth parents and any siblings they may have, once or twice per year until they are 18 and birth parents write back to you with information to share (when you feel appropriate). Our children have life story books with pictures and information about their birth family that we share with them now, it's very much about being open with them from the start and encouraging questions. I tell them that they have 2 families. I am comfortable with fact they will likely contact their birth family when older and we'll all be in their lives at same time. The biggest concern for us is social media. I 100% support all of us being invloved, (after all, you can have love in your heart for many family members, not just enough for one) BUT at 18 or older...let's face it, when a child hits puberty, it's hard enough! And that's the only thing I need to prepare myself for now really, how to manage that, but I've got quite a few years yet! They of course could choose to end our relationship with them but from what I've heard and from the adult friends I have who've been adopted, that doesn't normally happen. And let's not forget there are many birth children who grow up with birth parents who fall out with them and end up having no relationship, so I just see it as a possibility either way really, so have no expectations, just provide a good upbringing and hope

Single adopter here.

Matching = why not? ie looking at a child and thinking are there any reasons why I shouldn't take this child. I couldn't think of any reason why not DS (well I could but I took medical advice and decided that I could cope with the potential issues). No falling in love with a picture - though I do think you feel a kind of connection otherwise you do find a reason why not!

You only get your children whilst they're children - after that they're adults and you might "lose" them to birth family, emigrating to Australia, hideous DIL's etc. The work you put into them whilst they are children will hopefully provide enough of a bond that they will always be in your life in some shape or form but you need (particularly in my opinion as a single adopter) to accept that you do need to have plans for your own life once your child is old enough to be more independent.

I know that doesn't quite answer your question about birth family sorry - but it does need to be put into perspective of what happens when your children become adults anyway.

Thanks for your replies. Lots of things to think about and take on board!