Scared

[pumpkin03]

Hi

We have just been accepted on to stage one with Barnardos. I keep having really big swings in how I feel. Some moments I feel excited and ready for whatever challenges lie ahead and then some moments I just want to call it all off and try another round of IVF (we only tried one round following some failed iui as are same sex couple and it was all my wife so I havnt ever tried). Our reasoning to adopt is that ivf is so expensive and may not work and one of us isn't going to be related anyway so we should just adopt as so many children needing families.

Some days I believe it with such a passion that I can feel in my heart that my child is out there waiting to join our family but times like now I get scared and think too much about horror stories, as they happen and I really don't want to mess our lovely life up with a child that has been too messed up in the head and has too many demons. I am fully prepared for attachment, behaviour and learning difficulties but I really worry that we could end up with a child who is too much and should we just try IVF.

We are looking to adopt in 0-5 age range.

I feel really anxious about it all! I know we will good parents and are a good team but I feel like I have so many parenting dreams and adoption scares me.

If you want to try I've again you should. You need to be fully behind adoption and I'm not sure you are at the moment.

Just to reassure you, pumpkin (as I hope others will!), that I think the ups and downs are quite normal. I can't speak to your thoughts on IVF, only you and your partner know whether you can put that to bed for good, but I think it is quite normal to find the adoption journey a bit of a roller coaster.

It's taken DH and I 4.5 months to get on to Stage 1, and when we finally found out we'd been accepted last week I just felt really deflated! It was nowhere near as exciting as I thought it would be - it was such a fight to even get to that stage I just felt frustrated. Now we're getting paperwork done though it feels a bit more real and exciting.

I guess what I'm trying to say if, even if/when adoption is right for you, it's still a wild journey. It might not help you figure out whether it's right for you, but it might help you to not hold yourself to an impossibly high standard if you decide that it is.

I think it's very normal and natural to be scared of adoption. I had cold feet all the way up to our dd coming home (and after!). It is very scary and to some extent you just have to hold your nose and jump. Becoming a parent is always a massive leap of faith.

Having said which, becoming a parent the biological way is undoubtedly less complicated. You don't say your age or your fertility status - are there reasons to think IVF probably won't work for you? If you are under 40 and have no reason to think that IVF won't work for you, I would be inclined to exhaust that option first. You can always turn to adoption after IVF, the other way round not so easy.

Follow your heart, yes there can be unforeseen problems as in any children
we have Adopted 10 over the years, all are different some have special needs, but are all doing very well, all the Adults are in work, some have their own family's and children, We are now one large happy family.
Best advice is all Children are individual's, some have problems in and out of Adoption, is the nature of things. Most can be overcome by love and understanding, a problem is unique too the individual a challenge for them too overcome except, too progress and have a full life with love and support.

Can I just add that I was particularly scared of getting a child with problems - I think at some level I secretly hoped that we would adopt an unscathed child. (Though I knew better than to say that to a social worker! - actually, I barely admitted it to myself.)

I now know that all children have problems. But yes, adopted children tend to have more problems. That looks very scary from the outside. And there are certainly some adopted children who have such extreme behaviours and extensive needs that they tear families apart. They are at one end of a continuum. Most adopters, I suspect, have to work a bit harder than most bio parents (I say this as the mother of a bio child and an adopted child). A post-adoption therapist once said to me it is 'high intensity parenting' and I think for many of us that is true. (I'm aware I'm generalising madly, but I think it broadly holds across most adoptive parents I know.) You have to be resilient and prepared to be a tough advocate for your kids.

But once you're on the inside, you know, they're your kids and you love them. I think I was very afraid of the unknown, but the known is usually less scary and more manageable. Some of the adoption stories I read were terrifying - the children sounded like monsters. But in RL, I have never met an adopted child who was a monster. Or rather, like all kids, they're pretty adorable monsters

It is scary. I was terrified in pretty much the same way you describe, we also had other options as we're a same sex couple. It can be really hard, choosing to adopt.

Our DD is the best thing that ever happened to us. There are things that come up, so we handle them as a family because she's our little girl.

I know others have said to exhaust ivf first, but as a note of caution, I've been left with some rotten health problems due to an ectopic through ivf and I also think that, for us, ivf was way more traumatic than the adoption process.

Adoption isn't for everyone, there's no 'should'. Listen to your deepest instincts and what feels right for your family.