Can I ask a sensitive question about Long lost families please?

[InDespair]

cant bring myself to watch Long Lost family.Too upsetting for me personally.

Wht exactly is it about?

Is it women who HAD to give their babies up in a bygone era and want to meet them all these years later?

Is it kids from childrens homes (not adopted) who want to meet their blood kin?

Any Birth dads about?

If its adopted kids wanting to know birth stories how do their adopted parents and family feel about it?

I did read in the tv times that one person wanted to meet their DNA person to 'have a sense of identitiy', or something? dont they have identity from theor adopted family?

Im adopted, i hated it when I found out, I was abandonded as unwanted, my brilliant parents are all ive loved, i didnt even want want to know TBH, my family's my family. although I found out I was literally thrown away and left somewhere.

I only found out as an adult needing my birth cert for something. when i saw 'adoption order' paper i was shocked.

mine are the only family ive evr known and loved, i have no interest at all in where and in who s womb i was grown, as far as Im concernerd LOVE transcends biology.

my parents loved me enough to want me in their home and were willing to go through the whole process to have me. THATS love, THATS family.

THATS my identity. i would think it would break their hearts if i started scouting around for a past that wasnt meant to be. and i dont want to, my anscestors are my family whove loved and nurtured me and brought me up.

thats why i cant watch the pogramme.

I understand if it was a forced removal from someone, but an unwanted unloved? why go through the pain of that rejection?

when I found out at fiorst i was all 'well, as much as my family love me, someone else was supposed to'. that feeling of rejection never goes, but in the end it was my familys gain, and mine.

hope that makes sense.

thing is , my main question is, dont adoptees come across as glorified nannies or something, theyre not your 'real ' parents? of COURSE they are.

and whats blood got to do with it anyway?

when 2 people meet, fall in love, they get married and become family, but they dont share the same blood, they become family by love and a marriage cert.

so whats the difference then when you fall for a child and they become your family through love and a certificate?

that's my personal feeling, hope I haven't upset anyone in any way, im not good at pouring my heart in print!

There was a follow up programme, maybe last year, which caught up with the people featured in previous series - not all had continued happily, and I think it was a very realistic portrayal of some of the pitfalls mentioned earlier in the thread.

One birth mum came on too strong with her son, and it was clear from the outset they had very little in common, unfortunately in the update programme she explained that they are no longer in contact

Another group of sisters have kept in touch but were honest that it has not always been easy, and there have been misunderstandings and hurt feelings along the way. There are lots of things to take into account on this type of journey, and although the happy outcomes are brilliant, sometimes it just adds to the pain

What an interesting thread. Muddymits, I found your post very insightful. I think that in modern adoption it is considered very important to impress on prospective adopters the importance of openness, of understanding that we don't 'own' our children, and that our job is to support them in their journey to understanding and resolving their difficult life experiences. It is not their job to make us feel good about ourselves. There are plenty of threads on here with adopters complaining about others telling their children that they are 'lucky' and should be 'grateful'. There's nothing lucky about the trauma that our children have gone through, and they have no more responsibility to feel grateful to their parents than any other child.

I have a bit of experience with LLF.. I was one of those whose story didn't end in a reunion. They did trace my father but he didn't want any contact.

Throughout my experience was overwhelmingly positive. The researchers and counsellors handled everything very sensitively and with respect

And although I was disappointed, I really was okay with it. I'm not left with any what ifs and have no regrets. I did everything I could and I respect his decision.

It must be devastating for those who go looking only to be rejected again.

Exactly.

Wow, thanks for all the replies, Im very touched by each and every one.

Thank you so much, and for the support, which of course I return to you all.

Thanks for all the answers to my questions.

Yes Devora I think there has been such a change and i think children I the system today especially need and benefit from the changes approaches. I was lucky that my parents didn't conceal much and paid lip service to the whole we would support you (but please don't...) although it wasn't until later reflections I realised what a disproportionate weight I carried in their narrative of a successful family - not that that is unique to adoptees:) I suspect that the advent of social media and the more complicated nature of adoptions now will make our thoughts on birth family reconciliations seem remarkably naive/uncomplicated.

Eleventy - am really pleased the process was respectful and ultimately positive. It's good that the programme invests in the more complicated searches that are not shown.

I suppose I think the only time it is right to search is when you are not overly invested, I thjnk the more expectation, the more angst the less likely it is to work out well.

In Despair it's not my place but you know YOU were never rejected, it was what we represented that was an intolerable or something that couldn't be supported. A second refusal to meet again says more about where they are than where we are. My Bm was dead when I looked and I was absolutely ok with that because I am pretty sure she wouldn't have wanted contact, she didn't need reassurance and probably couldn't have given any. Thank you for this interesting thread though.

God sorry gull of typos - blardy phone...

Ahem full of typos!

Bought radio times today (Andy Murray 0n cover) and theres a letter on the letters page about LLF. reader saying to be more sensitive towards adopters .

I always think its a bit of a fairytale of adoption and the happily ever after from finding birth parents. The reality of tracing and what comes after that is often very different.

What is it that stops you from watching, even just the once to see what its about?

Its very personal and really strikes a cord, I cant really explain as I may upset people who did look for their BP's, and adopters too.

Its just a very personal painful thing for me, for reasons I really cant give .

and some things are just too sugar coated.

I love what you have wrote and agree with everything u have said totally

I looked for my birth father at the ago of 30 and initially I had only ever meant to meet him once to have a conversation with him see if he looked like me and ask a few questions.

I found out a few things at the time about the first few years of my life and after councelling and meeting him came out of the other side a different person

I'm still in yearly contact and there's something there but no where near what I feel for my dad who brought me up.

Very thought provoking, my birth mother dumped me on Paddington Station under the clock (no laughing) when I was about 7, my birth father picked me up so I assume it in hindsight was prearranged, I never saw her again. Move on 50 years I managed to find her again and wrote to her telling her about me (midwife and paediatric nurse) her 3 birth grandchildren and 5 adopted grandchildren. Result 2nd rejection do not contact me again you are part of my life I do not want to remember Thanks!
I have also tried to contact my half sister who also blanked me.
To be truthful the second rejection hurt me far more was I so awful? but life goes on.
Thanks for reading but this has been very cathartic! X

That is awful but I'm sore it was there loss !

Oh 2old that is awful.
You are an amazing person to have achieved so much and given so much to all your children. You have so much to be proud of and yes it is most definitely her loss x

Thanks flapjack you are as always supportive. I am sure my back life has made me care for the less adoptable. This is our good luck .

Absolutely i agree and i wouldnt want it any other way either x