Can I ask a sensitive question about Long lost families please?

[InDespair]

cant bring myself to watch Long Lost family.Too upsetting for me personally.

Wht exactly is it about?

Is it women who HAD to give their babies up in a bygone era and want to meet them all these years later?

Is it kids from childrens homes (not adopted) who want to meet their blood kin?

Any Birth dads about?

If its adopted kids wanting to know birth stories how do their adopted parents and family feel about it?

I did read in the tv times that one person wanted to meet their DNA person to 'have a sense of identitiy', or something? dont they have identity from theor adopted family?

Im adopted, i hated it when I found out, I was abandonded as unwanted, my brilliant parents are all ive loved, i didnt even want want to know TBH, my family's my family. although I found out I was literally thrown away and left somewhere.

I only found out as an adult needing my birth cert for something. when i saw 'adoption order' paper i was shocked.

mine are the only family ive evr known and loved, i have no interest at all in where and in who s womb i was grown, as far as Im concernerd LOVE transcends biology.


my parents loved me enough to want me in their home and were willing to go through the whole process to have me. THATS love, THATS family.

THATS my identity. i would think it would break their hearts if i started scouting around for a past that wasnt meant to be. and i dont want to, my anscestors are my family whove loved and nurtured me and brought me up.

thats why i cant watch the pogramme.

I understand if it was a forced removal from someone, but an unwanted unloved? why go through the pain of that rejection?

when I found out at fiorst i was all 'well, as much as my family love me, someone else was supposed to'. that feeling of rejection never goes, but in the end it was my familys gain, and mine.

hope that makes sense.

thing is , my main question is, dont adoptees come across as glorified nannies or something, theyre not your 'real ' parents? of COURSE they are.

and whats blood got to do with it anyway?

when 2 people meet, fall in love, they get married and become family, but they dont share the same blood, they become family by love and a marriage cert.

so whats the difference then when you fall for a child and they become your family through love and a certificate?

that's my personal feeling, hope I haven't upset anyone in any way, im not good at pouring my heart in print!

[flapjackfairy]

Absolutely i agree and i wouldnt want it any other way either x

[2old2beamum]

Thanks flapjack you are as always supportive. I am sure my back life has made me care for the less adoptable. This is our good luck .

[flapjackfairy]

Oh 2old that is awful.
You are an amazing person to have achieved so much and given so much to all your children. You have so much to be proud of and yes it is most definitely her loss x

[annoyedand]

That is awful but I'm sore it was there loss !

[2old2beamum]

Very thought provoking, my birth mother dumped me on Paddington Station under the clock (no laughing) when I was about 7, my birth father picked me up so I assume it in hindsight was prearranged, I never saw her again. Move on 50 years I managed to find her again and wrote to her telling her about me (midwife and paediatric nurse) her 3 birth grandchildren and 5 adopted grandchildren. Result 2nd rejection do not contact me again you are part of my life I do not want to remember Thanks!
I have also tried to contact my half sister who also blanked me.
To be truthful the second rejection hurt me far more was I so awful? but life goes on.
Thanks for reading but this has been very cathartic! X

[annoyedand]

I looked for my birth father at the ago of 30 and initially I had only ever meant to meet him once to have a conversation with him see if he looked like me and ask a few questions.

I found out a few things at the time about the first few years of my life and after councelling and meeting him came out of the other side a different person

I'm still in yearly contact and there's something there but no where near what I feel for my dad who brought me up.

[Noodles100]

I love what you have wrote and agree with everything u have said totally

[InDespair]

Its very personal and really strikes a cord, I cant really explain as I may upset people who did look for their BP's, and adopters too.

Its just a very personal painful thing for me, for reasons I really cant give .

and some things are just too sugar coated.

[Slippersmum]

I always think its a bit of a fairytale of adoption and the happily ever after from finding birth parents. The reality of tracing and what comes after that is often very different.

What is it that stops you from watching, even just the once to see what its about?

[InDespair]

Bought radio times today (Andy Murray 0n cover) and theres a letter on the letters page about LLF. reader saying to be more sensitive towards adopters .

[Muddymits]

Ahem full of typos!

[Muddymits]

God sorry gull of typos - blardy phone...

[Muddymits]

Yes Devora I think there has been such a change and i think children I the system today especially need and benefit from the changes approaches. I was lucky that my parents didn't conceal much and paid lip service to the whole we would support you (but please don't...) although it wasn't until later reflections I realised what a disproportionate weight I carried in their narrative of a successful family - not that that is unique to adoptees:) I suspect that the advent of social media and the more complicated nature of adoptions now will make our thoughts on birth family reconciliations seem remarkably naive/uncomplicated.

Eleventy - am really pleased the process was respectful and ultimately positive. It's good that the programme invests in the more complicated searches that are not shown.

I suppose I think the only time it is right to search is when you are not overly invested, I thjnk the more expectation, the more angst the less likely it is to work out well.

In Despair it's not my place but you know YOU were never rejected, it was what we represented that was an intolerable or something that couldn't be supported. A second refusal to meet again says more about where they are than where we are. My Bm was dead when I looked and I was absolutely ok with that because I am pretty sure she wouldn't have wanted contact, she didn't need reassurance and probably couldn't have given any. Thank you for this interesting thread though.

[InDespair]

It must be devastating for those who go looking only to be rejected again.

Exactly.

Wow, thanks for all the replies, Im very touched by each and every one.

Thank you so much, and for the support, which of course I return to you all.

Thanks for all the answers to my questions.

[eleventybillion]

I have a bit of experience with LLF.. I was one of those whose story didn't end in a reunion. They did trace my father but he didn't want any contact.

Throughout my experience was overwhelmingly positive. The researchers and counsellors handled everything very sensitively and with respect

And although I was disappointed, I really was okay with it. I'm not left with any what ifs and have no regrets. I did everything I could and I respect his decision.

[Devora]

What an interesting thread. Muddymits, I found your post very insightful. I think that in modern adoption it is considered very important to impress on prospective adopters the importance of openness, of understanding that we don't 'own' our children, and that our job is to support them in their journey to understanding and resolving their difficult life experiences. It is not their job to make us feel good about ourselves. There are plenty of threads on here with adopters complaining about others telling their children that they are 'lucky' and should be 'grateful'. There's nothing lucky about the trauma that our children have gone through, and they have no more responsibility to feel grateful to their parents than any other child.

[Costacoffeeplease]

There was a follow up programme, maybe last year, which caught up with the people featured in previous series - not all had continued happily, and I think it was a very realistic portrayal of some of the pitfalls mentioned earlier in the thread.

One birth mum came on too strong with her son, and it was clear from the outset they had very little in common, unfortunately in the update programme she explained that they are no longer in contact

Another group of sisters have kept in touch but were honest that it has not always been easy, and there have been misunderstandings and hurt feelings along the way. There are lots of things to take into account on this type of journey, and although the happy outcomes are brilliant, sometimes it just adds to the pain

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

I was adopted and always knew about it from as early as I can remember.

I found my original birth certificate etc when I was 18 and eventually traced my birth mother at 22. This wasn't anything against my parents AT ALL, but a natural interest in a major part of my life story.

My Mum wasn't impressed - still isn't many years later. She thinks that once a child is adopted, that should be it. But I've gained 3 half-brothers, one of whom I'm very close to - nobody has lost anything by me tracing them.

[wannaBe]

I do wonder whether these programmes create a whole expectation around families being reunited after all these years, and that they create an almost romanticised ideal that llong lost adopted child meets birth parent/sibling and the family becomes complete and they essentially just carry on as if they were never parted - iyswim. When in truth there's a strong likelihood that they might have nothing in common, or perhaps not even like each other very much once the initial euphoria wears off.

I have a friend who was adopted but who didn't have a happy childhood as she grew up between two birth children and it was made clear that she was the adopted one. she did trace her birth family and met up with them, and she said it felt to her as if that was where she'd belonged. But unfortunately her bm made it very clear that she had no intentions of maintaining a relationship with her. which increased her sense of not belonging.

My dp wasn't adopted but he grew up in long-term foster care having been permanently removed at the age of seven. He has three siblings who were also removed at the same time and they all grew up separately and had no contact until a few years ago. But while they speak of being brothers/sister they actually have very little contact other than as passing acquaintances. In fact one of them has opted not to have anything to do with his siblings at all.

[MythicalKings]

Nicky Campbell is adopted and I think he and Davina (who also has a "complicated" family) handle the cases very well without it being too syrupy.

There will be a lot of birthmothers my age who have not told their families about the baby they gave up because they were promised secrecy at the time. Those cases will never reach the screens, although I understand there have been some private reunions.

[DocHollywood]

I didn't realise that either. Hopefully the rejections are handled sympathetically by the show; some people have spent their whole lives searching and then to be told that the person they are searching for wants no contact must be devastating.

[dande0609]

Davina was on Loose Women recently and she said the stories that end well and make it to the show are a really small percentage of those that they deal with. Many people don't want to be found and then there are many that they simply can't find. It must be devastating for those who go looking only to be rejected again.

[Muddymits]

I watched three episodes last week having never noticed it before - thought it would be annoying and that simplistic narrative is so easy to present where X has waited his/her whole life to feel a sense of belonging and after a call, a letter and a birth parent meeting and is now fulfilled and happy. I think not only do the brief glimpses of the process peddle this view a bit too much there is also no real sense of adoption today or of how often the birth parent/birth child relationship breaks down/calms down after the initial drama.

Anyway yup it had that simple narrative but some people do feel like that and actually the stories were moving and it had an adoptive parent who was very supportive and involved in the searches and the meet ups. There was no sense that adoptive parents were of lesser value although most searches were happening after they had died and adoptees felt free to search or more motivated.

I absolutely agree that parents are not defined by biology and as an adoptee know just who my parents are but searching isnt a betrayal, it doesn't have to be a search for a 'real' parent even if some struggle to frame it as anything else. Actually I feel adoptive parents have a huge responsibility to be open about adoption and to follow what the adoptee wants to do. Searching can get anything from destructive to amazing, I searched with plenty of ambivalence and some of the birth family I found have become part of my real family ( some I have had no wish to get involved with also) and the overall experience was really positive for me and my parents ( the real adoptive ones:)

My parents had lots of fears about my birth family, yours probably did too if they never shared with you your adopted status ( and I am sorry that they didn't because that info has to be easier to grow up alongside rather than to meet as an adult). I felt like you did you really that searching could break their hearts but really I came to decide that they adopted me, the birth parents gave me up- I get to chose what happens next then as I had no say in the first set of events. I am not grateful to be adopted, they chose that for themselves, I don't owe them extra because they cared for me when I was initially unwanted and I don't love them less if I explore some of the history around my birth and adoption. I was more unwanted too rather than wanted in tough circumstances but this unpromising start has created some really loving relationships for me and meeting some of my birth family was incredibly cathartic and healing for my parents.

I am a bit in awe of how much those searching shared of themselves, there was a lot of very honest sharing of emotions and feelings which made the subject much more real, complicated and interesting than the programme I expected. I did cry and that was at an older man searching for his sister who had been adopted as a toddler when he was old enough to have very strong memories of her. The thought of that little boy loving and losing his sister and carrying that all his life I found so very touching, their meeting again was just lovely.

Anyway God am waffling, will stop!