Toileting

[Kazza299]

DS aged 7 will not wipe his bum!!

There were definitely issues at FC as DS had to ask to go to the toilet and from what we can gather she insisted on wiping for him as he couldn't do it properly. We were once told that he had soiled at school but when I ask SW about it now it gets dismissed.

So, initially we cleaned him every time he went for a poo. We felt thus was part of the attachment process and were happy to do it.
Adoption support then made us question this after 4 months of doing it and suggested he needed to be more Independant (we agree) due to school etc.

So one day he told me "I stuck my fingers up my bum because I couldn't get the poo out" so I decided this was the time to tackle this. "Darling, that's what toilet paper is for, we wipe away the poo"
I showed him how to do it and said we are happy to check after he has had a go but that it was important he learnt due to school and friends etc.

So that carried on for a bit, then we found it was never clean so we said we wouldn't check by wiping, but would tell him if he needed to do more - always making it clear- wipe until it's clear!!

Anyway he is clearly struggling. He does sort of manage at home when we stand next to him with lots of encouragement and half a toilet roll but he frequently comes home from school smelling of poo. We have talked about friendships etc. Then last week he soiled at school and had to get cleaned up by a poor teaching assistant. He was very blaze (hmmm mean blah-zay but can't spell it) when asked and said he was laughing with his friends and it happened.

Anyway, sorry for the graphic nature of this post. Basically I'm wondering what's going on. He's very controlling so I think that's playing a part. I am also concerned about lack of attachment and wonder if we should just clean him but then I worry about what happens at school. He is also very keen to go to friends houses for tea and his Toileting issues concern me for then.
What's the best course to take?

I do not have the experience or knowledge to advise, sorry. But our recently adopted 4 yr old has similar issues with getting completely clean and those wet, flushable, toilet wipes you can buy have proven to be far more effective than toilet roll, if they worked for your LO, could you get some of them at school? Not really solving your issue but may help a little bit. The attachment thing vs what they should be doing is hard Many a conversation I've had with our HV ends in, 'well that maybe true in what they should be doing at x age but in our case it's important that...' Hope you get some good advice on here from someone more knowledgeable than me...

I'm wondering if his diet is affecting things or if he's come to you impacted. I think the GP should be your next stop. A "good" poo shouldn't leave much behind at all really...

This might sound a bit off track but does he have difficulty with any other tasks/activities that require coordination, eg riding a bike, holding pens etc. I ask because my grandson, who took ages to get on top of those things also took ages to get on top of wiping.

Have you tried a -ahem- low level mirror. Ask him to judge if he's clean.

Star/sticker charts and rewards after a week?

I think its a phase as well - they don't understand the reason for it - poo being full of bacteria and what it can lead to in terms of infection etc. My DD (not adopted) really hated bum wiping but accepts you have to do it and even now at 9 its half a loo roll and several wipes - she is just not good at it - and still sometimes fails - we in the past also had the poo stuck issue. So we made sure of plenty of fruit and roughage to loosen her up, bum wipes in each loo and in my bag when we are out and about and encourage her to sort herself out if anything happens - she is a leave it to the last minute girl and she will hold it all day to go when she comes home - we are working on that as well!

I try not to make a big whoo haa over it and hope it will just sort itself eventually. I think it was triggered by constipation at some point and kids who have had a rough time of it may have also had this if the diet was wrong or they were punished for things etc

You have had some really good advice. I'm mum to two adopted girls. I definitely think that some part of him wants to stay a bit of a baby for you. When you can, talk up being a big boy and how pleased you will be when he can go to play at friends like the other big boys...Let him know always that you didn't really want a baby instead of him..That you are really proud of all is his progress.. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious.

I would stick with the natural consequences approach but not make too big a fuss about him soiling.

so for example

"I'd really like you to wipe your own bottom because you like going to XYZ's house and his mum won't wipe your bottom for you"

"It doesn't have to be perfectly clean to start with just enough that you can go to play at other people houses"

I'd also suggest that you get some wet toilet tissue and teach him to wipe first with dry as normal then wipe with wet (which is much easier to get clean with) then if he doesn;t like the wet feeling, dry off with dry.

If star charts/rewards work with him then check it after every poo at home and for each clean poo then a star towards a reward. If star charts don't work then lots of praise for how brilliantly he's doing and how proud of him you are. At 7 he is possibly old enough to have the conversation with him about how you understand that he is used to having his bottom wiped for him at FC's and so you understand that its another change for him which is why you're so pleased with him even being prepared to try it.

Just another two-penneth, he may be constipated. When my DD was under the continence service for chronic constipation, we were well versed that sticky poo is constipated poo.
He is maybe struggling to completely empty his bowels.
Over flow is often a problem where they can have leakage

Sorry posted too soon...

Leakage can present as very skiddy pants and they have no control over it.

It may be worth having a GP have a tummy feel to check there isn't an organic cause!

Thank you for all your advice. I do appreciate it and have been out for wipes and a mirror.

However, I'm pretty sure this is more about attachment and control. I don't want to stop cleaning him if he feels I am rejecting him. I am talking it up and being proud but he just rolls his eyes. Yesterday he pooed himself again when he was out with DH. DS wanted to go home and DH said yes in 10 as ds2 is having fun. 2 mins later he said he'd pooed so they had to go. It was only a tiny bit and we feel he perhaps forced it out to get his own way. Then we explained the new scenario last night of him having a go, then using his lovely new wipes etc, then he wet himself at night, which is quite infrequent.
I'm worried he's saying, you need to do this for me.

Please don't think that helping him meet development milestones is 'rejecting him's. You are supporting him to achieve independence. Would suggest staying in with him while he wipes, that way he still gets your attention but you are helping him master a new skill.

But/ and definitely get thep GP to check him.