birth parent meeting

[raggydolls22]

We are having a meeting with the birth mother soon, has anyone had one or suggest things we can ask that LO might want to know when they're older. I'm very nervous about it and would love to know how people found them. Thanks

If I get the chance I will ask them about their:

Favourite childhood book/story
Favourite nursery rhymes
Favourite colour
Favourite animal or pet they love
Reason for choosing LO's name
Birth experience (time, location, what they were doing when they went into labour etc)
Particular talents, skills or interests - things that LO might do themselves in the future
Where they like to go to relax or unwind
Favourite food or drink
Happy memories of LO they'd like to share
Happy memories of their own childhoods they'd like to share
Songs they like or sang to LO
Extended family traits (blue eyes, red hair, great singing voices etc!)
Aspirations as kids - what did they want to be? What are their hopes for LO?

We have a grown up AS and we never had any of this positive stuff to share with him about his birth family, all we had was the CPR type info which makes it so difficult to provide a positive BF identity.

This time around (we are matched with a sibling group) we want to make sure we can give them that balance if BF are prepared to meet.

(Obviously some of the questions might be intrusive if BM is distressed so we will need to gauge what's appropriate on the day).

Hope this helps.

You've had a great list already. I would add: Where their family/ancestors came from; why they picked that particular name for LO.

We also had a photo taken with us and birth parents.

It's very emotional, so I'd suggest jotting these down as prompts in case they go out of your head.

The only thing not mentioned already that we asked, was what subjects did they like at school and what did they hate? And they then told us what they were good at too as this often linked into what they liked. This gave us some great info to share if our LO's like/hate same things/subjects and to start conversations now as one is of school age.

We met both parents on separate occassions. They were very emotional meetings, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And I'll be honest, after meeting BM I didn't feel good at all for a couple of weeks, our SW later told me that is very common. I'm so glad we did it though. Everything you're given on paper is mainly a list of negative reasons why the children should be removed and while what we were told by BP's in the meeting did back up what was written, there is another side we got to see that will give us some really positive things to tell our LO's. I liked them both and could see that even though they couldn't put their children first when they needed to, they really do love them and I think when I tell our LO's that, they will believe it because I got the opportunity to meet them to see it for myself, not just because a SW told me so, if you get what I mean. I would always have supported our children to meet them when older, now I will actively encourage it.

It also helps to have met the people you are going to be writing to for the next decade+ and makes the letters easier!

The BP's wanted to know a lot about us, in fact most of our meeting was geared at what our LO's were doing now, what we did with them, how we intended to raise them etc. They simply wanted reassurance and we were lucky in that they were very good at separating us as adopters from the processes of SS. I think they were more nervous than us and I wouldn't have believed that to be possible! But if you think about it, which I didn't beforehand, they have two first names and that's it. We have pictures and all the info about them, so be prepared to be stared at for first 5 mins while they take it all in.

Don't worry if you go blank, SW's lead it for you, so no uncomfortable silences. I do appreciate that our experience could be very different from others, as every situation is and every set of BPs are, but I do believe it is a really good opportunity to help your LOs in the future have a greater understanding of their birth family as hard as it is to do the meeting. Good luck

Good luck.

Just at the beginning of the process and this thread is really helpful: making me reflect on lots of things re Birth families. Hope your meeting goes well.

I love all of these questions and I'm so sad that almost all of them would be inappropriate to ask my LO's BM who suffered a neglectful and abusive childhood and still has a very unhappy life, hence being unable to care for LO.
I will struggle to ask questions for fear of upsetting her.

So my question is has anyone provided a list of questions prior to meeting face to face? To give BM/family a chance to think of answers in their own time rather than the emotional setting of the meeting? Or even as part of annual letterbox? Or is that not the done thing?

Thanks for all the replies, there's some really good suggestions for us.

Motherearth, you've hit the nail on the head! Our BM also had a poor upbringing herself and it makes me nervous about asking questions about her childhood. It may be of interest to LO when they're older but like you say I'd be worried about upsetting her!

Agree raggydolls, in our case it's unlikely there are happy childhood memories (only very bad ones) and potentially insulting to ask about skills and interests given what we know about her situation.

And given that pregnancy was traumatic and LO removed at birth, what could we possibly ask about that which will give any comfort to LO?

I suppose a broader "what would you like LO to know about you?" Would be ok but would probably get a response that she loves her, rather than her interests or any more info about wider family (who were responsible for anusive childhood) etc. and that's the dilemma also, will LO want to know more about wider family who were the abusers of BM? Or not ask and say truthfully "we don't know".

We will ask what her hopes are for LO and hope that brings out some wider conversation.

Any advice gratefully received. I guess we will be briefed by SW?

We were very much led by the SW's, in fact nearly all the questions we asked came from what they said we should ask. We were given a list of types of questions to ask and BPs were told that these were potential questions that may be asked in advance. There were certain subjects we avoided because we knew they would relate to unhappy memories. Like many we are in a similar boat with history repeating itself to an extent, but there were still some things BPs were quite happy to share re likes and dislikes etc. even if it was just about liking junk food or not, or being a TV addict, as opposed to being outdoorsy etc., quite basic things. The SW's in our case had been working with our LO's BPs for years before we adopted our LO's and therefore they knew them quite well, so it made sense to take their lead to know what would be well received and what wouldn't, in terms of questions. The SW's drove the meeting, asking questions themselves too. There was a lot of support for us and even more so for the BPs, prior to our meeting, so hopefully you will have a similar level of prep prior to it, though we know we are fortunate to have a very good LA.