Vising our son's former foster carer's home

[Italiangreyhound]

Our ds has been with us over a year now! Hooray!

We have a very good relationship with his former foster carers, particularly the lady, who I shall call Betty. Betty has birth children and also currently has new foster children.

We have maintained a very good relationship with Betty and the wider family, and in the last year have met with her on about four occasions, plus sent her photos and drawings etc, which ds is aware of, and he has spoken to her on the phone two or three times, at his request.

We are due for our next meeting with Betty soon and at some point in the past someone suggested coming to her house. I am not sure now if it was me, our son or her! It might have been because one family member was unwell and we would not have been able to have the visit but in the end all was well and we met out somewhere. But it got me thinking! Might it be a good idea to go to her house with ds? However, I had heard it was not good for children to go back to the foster family home for a visit. Maybe because they may think they are going back there or maybe as it may trigger thoughts or memories and might make it hard for the child etc. We have no wish to make it hard for our son and I just wondered what other adopters or foster carers might think. Could it be a positive experience for our son?

The bedroom he was in is now occupied by another child. Could this be distressing for our son or could it be helpful in knowing the woman who cared for him for about a year has a new foster child/children? He knows she has and has met them as they were already in her home at that first meeting within a short while of our ds leaving. So this would not be new information.

I am torn between thinking this may be a good thing or bad thing for ds. The only reason to go would be if it would be good for ds. We can easily meet elsewhere.

Ds was very attached to Betty, and sometimes seemed to confuse her with his birth mum (who he only vaguely remembers and who he has photos of). When he looked at his life story book, with dh the other day, dh said ds was more interested in the recent photos of him with Betty and with us and not so much of the photos with birth mum and dad.
I want ds to know that his foster carer is not birth mum and to ensure that foster carer (and their family) continue to be in ds's life as a positive force and memory bank and hope she will be someone he might love and be interested in- much like an auntie. I know I can't determine how he will feel about Betty but I guess I just want him to have a fair assessment of how things are (truthful) and now he has been with us almost as long as he was with Betty (perhaps longer depending when you read this!) and he really does see me and dh as mum and dad and our dd as his sister.

So it seems that having a house he cannot go to because it may trigger memories or whatever might be a possibly negative thing.

I am happy to bow to a wider general opinion if people have any wisdom on this.

(I am also posting in the fostering section here.)

Thanks all.

I wouldn't Italian. We meet our son's fc at a neutral place. I think the cathartic side of meeting foster carers can be effective without doing something drastic like going back to the foster home so early on. Maybe in a few years but certainly not anytime soon for us (we are 18 months in).

We regularly visit my DCs foster carers in their own homes and have done almost since placement ( we were advised to leave it until three months after placement which we did)

It has never caused any problems and has helped DCs understand the Foster Carer's role as they have seen numerous babies pass through her home over the years.

DDs foster carer has become a good friend over the years too.

The difference for us is perhaps that both of mine were 10 months old when they were placed with us.

DS has been with us 19 months. We have met his foster carers six times (which I think is too much) but always on neutral ground or our house. I remember my friend taking her adopted son back to visit his foster family but only when he was 10 and after he had been placed for 7 years. I am going with that time scale as I think it would cause unnecessary confusion and upset for my DS to visit earlier. I want him to be at a stage when he understands a bit more why his foster family could not keep him.

Everything you describe - his bedroom being occupied by someone else, him getting confused between BM and Betty - screams to me to keep the visits on neutral ground. The fact you are unsure I think also would make me err on the side of caution.

I think one year is far too soon. But that is my opinion.

Thanks all, very helpful.

Hels can i ask why you think 6 times in 19 months is too much. Was foster carer pushing for that and you did not want it? PM me if you like.

The visits for us are driven by me, I contact Betty and suggest we meet. The first was suggested by social workers for one month in but he rest have been my idea. They are staged to be longer apart each time. One month in, three months in, six months in, eight or nine months in and 14 months in roughly). I think in the long run we will aim for two or three times a year. But it always has to fit with Betty and I think increasingly it is me and Betty rather than ds who want the visits! Although he enjoys seeing her because she bring all the kids and we go to a fun place so it is not really intense, just more like meeting up with an auntie type situation.

Do most people have visits with FC post-placement? This has me a bit worried as DD hasn't seen FC since the day she moved out. We send Christmas cards but that's really it.

This appears to be the norm in our LA and there was never any suggestion, including from FC, that DD would see them again. I felt this was a bit brutal at the time and reading this am questioning whether it's unusual.

Sorry Italian, not in the least answering your question.

Hi Girls - we live reasonably close to foster family and it has been pushed for much more by Foster Family.

I think every situation is different. Nothing to feel worried about. I also know some foster carers who never see their LOs again - which upsets them but they are understanding. It's what works for you and your family. I do think some foster families rather expect regular contact which might not be right.

Italian - I will PM you when I have a moment

We've already done a visit back to foster carer's home after they came to us a couple of times (following all the visits SS suggest at start post intros). We are less than a year since placement and we've had no problems whatsoever

We do have an exceptionally good foster carer who is very clear with boundaries etc that we need not worry about that and ours have settled unbelievably well and quickly with really good attachment to us and with a strong understanding of who BM is, who FC is and how we all fit into their little life family jigsaw. We've already done a lot of life story work and they're comfortable with it all. I used the life story books the day after we got them 5 months in and the fact they're old enough and can understand it all helps. They were also with their foster carer for less than a year. All these things TOGETHER may make our situation just a bit unique??? I don't know.

The only thing we did do was make plans for the afternoon after meeting, so as to provide comfort that they were not going back there to stay, as we were all off to do X later. We also have repeatedly talked about (and more so nearer the time of visiting) our Betty and her 'job'. I don't mean to offend FC's when I say that, it's far far more than that but for them that word helps them understand, they see it as Daddy goes off to the office but Betty gets to look after children for her job which is a lot more fun (and a lot flippin more hard work!) than the office. Again, because of how quickly they've settled, how well they have attached and fact they were with foster carer months not years, this doesn't upset them for them to think 'I was just there because it's her job' etc. We say our Betty is our very special friend, we love her and what do you want to do with friends?...see them! :) They were excited to go and were fine leaving and we had no change in behaviour etc. afterwards and we do when SW's visit, the only thing now that seems to unsettle them.

Yes I agree you need to consider your unique circumstances and make a decision, even though it's impossible to predict fully how your ds will react. Making plans for after the visit is a good one - we sometimes make a cake to eat after nursery to help ds understand he is coming back. The visit to her house could provoke unexpected reactions linked to unconscious memories from smells etc. Or it could help him feel more secure with you - another child has his room so there is no going back. We have been advised not to see fc yet (10 months in) due to ds learning difficulties and language delay meaning he doesn't really understand how or why he moved and we won't be able to reassure and explain things properly if we see her. We text and share photos which I show ds so he knows she still exists but sadly a meeting is still quite a distant prospect, which is not what I expected. He was with her from 3 days old and is 4 now.

I didn;t have foster carers to deal with but DS used to get alarmed if staff in cafes threatened to take him home because he was so cute at your DS's age (maybe a bit younger). I think he would have been totally freaked by going back to the home he had before with the people who looked after him but other children in his place.

Its only now he's approaching 10 that I'm considering taking him back.

I do wonder if him seeing her for the first time is enough without having the added concern of how he will react to seeing his old home again. No need to put so much in one first visit, is there?

Our ds has been with us over a year now! Hooray!

I missed this - congratulations!

Thanks all.

Thanks Kew re I do wonder if him seeing her for the first time is enough without having the added concern of how he will react to seeing his old home again. - did you mean your son or mine? We have met Betty about 4 times in the last year, it isn't the first time he is seeing her.

GirlsWhoWearGlasses I think it is all very personal. Our son was almost 4 when he came to us and had lived with his foster carers for over a year so we felt it was right to continue that relationship - it was also not just the main foster carer, she has children too and they were a part of our son's life. And vice versa. So for us it felt right, they live not too far away and they are so lovely we were happy to keep the relationship going. How long it goes on for we are not sure, but I hope it will be part of his life, like an auntie, but the fact we live close (ish) and all get on does play into it! It is not an onerous task for us and now when we chat by phone Betty might talk about a lot of stuff and so might I, we have become friends.

Gosh - has it been a year already? That has flown by - congratulations to the Greyhound family!

We've met with FC a number of times but always at our home or neutral territory. That was at their suggestion, in part because of concerns about BM being nearby and because they would have found it too difficult having her back on their house.

I think neutral territory sounds right from your post, but listen to your gut and go with what you are happy with

Girlswhowearglasses, we were told it is good for the children as otherwise they learn that important parental figures can just disappear and this can contribute to anxiety, low self esteem etc, byt if they see they are still there and still love them it is better for them. Just not poss yet for our lo.

But again, every situation is unique and for some children it will be better not to continue the relationship I guess.

We have met Betty about 4 times in the last year, it isn't the first time he is seeing her. sorry my mistake, I thought you meant you (rather than he) had seen her.

Girls, we have met up with ours once in well over a year. We've had a few Skype calls & letters. We live very far away. Completely depends on circumstance etc. if you haven't yet & it's been a while you could always approach this as letterbox contact or see how your little ones feel about it. Depending on if that's what you want / if you feel they need it etc.

ADD1 didn't really like it when FC came to us or us to them, so we meet up on neutral territory.

I found it weird too.

A bit like when you visit your parents' home you regress to how you were when younger? So going back to the FC house sort of de-skilled me as a parent. i.e. Harder psychologically to parent with the previous parent-figure there in her own home. (Could just be me who felt like that).

Sanders I think you are right, could be unnerving for me too!

Thanks all.

Our DC's very experienced FC as a rule never has meetings at her home. Always neutral. There's enough emotions/memories swirling around their heads.
I find these meetings difficult myself too; feel a bit inadequate next to supermum FC!

But they are really useful for the DCs. And I do get as much parenting advice from FC as I can!