Hi Keri
I'm a single adoptive mum as well, I was 31 when my DD1 came to live with me - and I did specifically ask to adopt a girl.
First of all, when you say baby, what age are you thinking? Unless you do concurrent planning (fostering with a view to adoption), the youngest age of children waiting is generally about 6 months, but usually 9+ months. Obviously many people want this age range, far more than there are 9-12 month old babies waiting. Generally people refer to babies as aged 0-2, and most people wanting a young child specifiy an age range of about 0 - 2nd birthday, with the expectation of bringing home a child aged no younger than about 8/9 months (it happens, but rarely), and likely to be 12 months +.
Specifying health conditions - well, yes and no. Yes it is both possible and actually required of you to specify which known health problems or disabilities you feel comfortable with. You would be taken through a list of issues and asked your feelings on each as a yes, no or might consider, eg. ASD, FAS, HIV etc.
The thing is, that if you are adopting a young child, you obviously have no idea how they will grow and develop - and most children who wait for adoption have a much increased risk of developping (or already having, but not yet old enough to recognise) certain conditions. So yes, you can specify that you don't feel comfortable with Down's syndrome or significant devlopmental delay and you won't be asked to adopt a child with those conditions. And you can say you don't feel comfortable with foetal alcohol syndrome or spectrum disorder - but then how do you know that your newly arrived home 14 month old child doesn't have FASD? You won't know for several years at the least if the damage to the brain will largely affect the emotional and social and behavioural rather than the physical signs. You don't know if the information you get about drug and alcohol use in pregnancy is accurate or not. Any young child might turn out to have ASD or ADHD (higher levels of both among children in care) or dyslexia etc. And obviously that's the case for all parents because any child you give birth to might have ASD or another condition, but in adoption the situation is different and the chances are higher.
Also importantly, the vast majority of children waiting for adoption, whatever age, will have some level of emotional/behavioural and/or social issues because going through traumatic experiences at a young age - including being taken into care and being taken from your foster carer to go live with a strange new (adoptive) parent - often results in this. And adoption and subsequent great parenting won't magic this away - these issues will become part of everyday life. Some children have much less significant issues and they do very very well with minor adjustments and develop normally without encountering many challenges, whereas other children have significant difficulties - and again, if you bring home a 15 month old baby, whilst you know how they have developped so far, it's impossible to know what will happen now. So anyone going into adoption needs to be prepared for parenting a child with some level of additional needs on the emotional and attachment (the way a child forms and maintains relationships and relates to people they have relationships with, trauma can affect this very early on in life) front.
But still, you will encounter the list, and you will go through and tick yes or no or maybe to every condition on there, however that translates into reality! Back to my Down's Syndrome example, you tick no, you definitely won't be adopting a child who has DS. Not so with ADHD or attachment disorder unless you adopt a much older child who has been assessed by a professional. Adopting means accepting these issues and taking a leap of faith anyway. We all hope for children who will not struggle with things other kids take for granted, like feeling safe with your parent, or making freinds, and we all have to take a leap and say we will love and parent as best as we can come what may.
Specifying gender - I specified gender in part because I also felt I would relate better to a girl, and I would be more prepared, that I know about being a girl and so on. And that was a very valid reason for me and in general you will find that as long as you can give a reasoned reason for wanting a particular gender (not relating to pink dresses!) that will be accepted, although your SW is likely to push you to a certain extent to explore adopting a boy. I actually now have 2 daughters and a son, and from experience I would say this
- A daughter needs good strong male role models every bit as much as a son, so you need to be thinking about who will be those role models regardless of whether you want to adopt a girl or a boy, as your social worker will explore this with you as part of exploring the network of people you have around you who will feature in a childs life with you
- My DD1 and I do have a very close relationship. But I relate to my son a lot better than my DD2. I understand him so much more. I know how he ticks in ways I don't think I'll ever really know about my DD2. The parent-child relationship is largely based in personality, and the way you and your child relate to the world, not in your childs gender.
- But nevertheless, if you really aren't comfortable parenting a boy, say so, because it's important you feel comfortable and you shouldn't be judged for stating a preference because it's pretty common
If I were to adopt again (definitely won't be happening, purely hypothetical) I would not prefer any gender now, it would be largely irrelevent - and this is because I now have the experience of raising a son and the confidence in myself that I can do a good job of raising a son and it isn't significantly different than raising a daughter. I was NOT at all confident in that before I adopted, and I think it's actually quite common for women in general to feel a bit inadequate and underprepared to parent a son. When in reality as far as I am aware, it's not common to have any real problem with it in practice.
Hope that is helpful, if there's anything else you want to know, ask away. I'm far from the only single mum on here either!