Adult adoptee - first contact with birth mother - please help, need advice. LONG

[BlackNoSugar]

This is a bit long but I don't want to drip-feed as we go along.

I was adopted as a baby, apparently my birth mother was a young teen. Over the years I've wondered about her but not had any particular feeling of 'needing' to contact her. Quite a few years ago I applied for and got my original birth certificate so I knew her name.

DD was born with a heart defect, and I've since been diagnosed with a condition that is quite possibly genetic. That made me think a bit more about my birth parents and I did an internet search and joined the Adoption Contact Register, with no results.

A couple of years ago I did another online search and this time found a post on an adoption forum, saying my BM was seeking me. The post was over 10 years old, from a man I assume is a relative or friend of my BM, and all the contact emails were 'dead'. I replied to the post anyway, a neutral "are you still seeking contact", and checked back every so often, not expecting any replies.

Two months ago there was a reply. Apparently my BM was searching, but after years without luck she gave up. The man said now the post had had a reply he would check back occasionally.

I answered that I was the adoptee.

Yesterday I checked, and he replied last week - he has let my BM know that I have replied, he says she is in a bit of shock. She has a temporary email address that he's given me (as it's a public forum). I replied that I would need a couple of days to compose my thoughts, but that I would email her this week.

I have no idea how to start. My draft email has been deleted over and over again because how do you even begin? I think it should be short, no personal details, just sort of 'hello how are you, glad we made the contact", but that somehow seems so impersonal.

Hello Blacknosugar. I am pleased to see that you have had contact from your BM and I hope it all goes well for you.

As an adopter I have always said to our DD4 that we would fully support her search whenever she is ready to search for her BM. She is now 17 and recently she was speaking with DD1 who told me later that DD4 had said she would not search when she is 18 as she does not want to hurt us. I so want DD4 to be comfortable doing whatever she wants to do and i really do not want her worrying about what I, or her dad feel. We are fine about it and would love to be involved wholeheartedly in the search - to share any excitement and joy, but also to be there 100% if anything was not as good as it could be. I would also understand if DD4 felt that this was something she wanted to do alone, but I would like to be aware so that I can support if needed. This is just my feelings from the other side of the fence, I suppose, and you will know how your mum and dad will react.

Wishing you all the best.

Minty I hope it all goes well for you. I don't think anyone could possibly tell you how you will feel, certainly not how you should feel. Does it matter if you cry? No-one will be surprised at such an emotional meeting. And yes, I imagine you will be anxious and nervous, but hopefully excited, too. Don't worry about what you will talk about - it is not only you, so everyone will take on some chatting and question asking. Children are a fantastic buffer when there is awkward silences. Best wishes and hope it all goes well.

Canyouforgiveher - can you say what it felt like when your parents met your BM for the first time?

I wasn't there - which helped immeasurably! The four of them met for lunch and basically acted like 4 adults who were used to meeting random people all their lives - so polite, nice, etc. They actually liked each other a lot. My BM thanked my parents for having reared me so well (and they did) and I think it really meant a lot to my mum for someone to say that to her. I think my father, a very kind man, always worried a little bit about the woman/girl who had given up her baby and was glad to see she was alright. Both were delighted she was in contact ... sure it added a bit of drama and interest to otherwise sedate and normal lives. They met a few times afterwards but never with me around (just the way it happened because of where we all live). BM and husband have become friendly with my in-laws now too!

I know what you mean about anxious though it was like the worst case parents of bride and groom meeting for the first time. It helped me not to be there and also I figured, I was the only one whose feelings mattered in this. Sounds selfish I know but I had no vote back in the day when the adoption happened so I reckoned it should be all about me in this one. The other adults all knew this day might come and had years to think about it.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. And I would seriously consider having your dh or someone do the initial introductions leaving you out of the room. So let them have lunch and you arrive for coffee. Would that be possible?

Thanks for sharing that caniforgiveher. An amazing story! How lovely for you that they all gone on.
My BF lives in a different country - I flew to meet him once on my own, a second time with DH & sons and this is the first time he has travelled to the UK to see me. So I'm collecting him from airport midday then we have a 90 minute drive home and I've arranged a meal that evening with parents, brother etc. I thought that meal would be too daunting as a first meet the parents experience so thought BF and I would pop in to my parents for tea on the way back from airport. I can't see a way of avoiding ME being there! I'm going to think about it though as you make such an interesting and helpful suggestion.
Sorry for diverting the thread temporarily.

Canyouforgiveher - what a lovely outcome for you all! Minty - I hope it all goes well, please remember you won't be the only one nervous and anxious.

I told my parents, they were pretty shocked but absolutely fine about it all. Mum is quite excited actually, she knew a bit about my birth mother but not a whole lot. She's offered to go with me if I want to meet her.

Blacknosugar - that is great news. How lovely that you've told them and your mum offered to be there for a meeting. That is such a supportive response.
My mum said similar but because I told her after I'd met BM it was too late and BM and I didn't have face to face contact after the first two meetings so the opportunity was gone. I am making sure my BF gets to meet my parents and they are involved in that.
You have such a good opportunity to ask all those questions about hereditary health issues now. I'd advice you take questions written down though as I found it almost impossible to remember things at the time. There is so much to take in!
Good luck with next stage of contact. What will that be?

Advise not advice - this is the Y5 homework in our house this week so bit about getting it wrong!

I've just had another email from her, nice and chatty and suggesting that we could maybe meet over the school holidays - so in a couple of months. I've talked with DH and we've agreed it would be a good thing.

The very weird thing is that in her email she told me a bit about herself, and we have the same taste in music, similar hobbies, and support the same football team. Isn't life strange.

And apparently I have two half-brothers, two half-sisters, and a whole load of cousins.

Lovely!! Good idea to take it slowly and meet in a few months. I hope it all goes well for you.

You might meet up and be wearing the same clothes!