newly placed 1 year old

[raggydolls22]

hello, i was just looking for some advice regarding extended family. we have recently (within the past couple of weeks) had our 1 year old ds placed with us. we have let family see ds when walking in the park or out at the shops but not let anyone hold him. he isn't walking yet so we carry him around a lot. i'm really please because extended family are so keen to get to know him but I'm also aware of how unsettling he found introductions so don't want to rush into handing him over to others before he knows who we are. how long did people wait before letting others hold their lo or spend more time than just a quick visit to the park and such like?
thanks everyone

Hi Raggydolls. Congratulations!

Our DS was 2.5 years when he came to us. After 2 weeks, we introduced him to my parents - but it was for a short period of an hour - building up over the next 3 months. And always at our house. The only other people I introduced him to for the first 3
Months (and always at our house) was my best friend and my brother. We didn't take him to anyone else's house for 6 months but after 3 months we would meet people in a park/go out for lunch. But quite occasionally.

Sounds like you are doing it right.

Just as an aside, do you have a sling?

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thenortheastslinglibrary.weebly.com/babywearing-blog/category/adoption

Try again!

thanks hels! thats really helpful. yeah were really pleased and happy and after even such a short time we've forgotten what it was like before we had him, he's settled in really well! but sometimes i think thats part of the problem, for us and everyone around us. we just want to get on with introducing him to people and taking him out and all the things we looked forward to when we planned having a child and i think because he does feel like part of the family already but we just need to remind ourselves that he hasn't been looking forward to this for months like we have and everything/everyone is new and maybe a bit much to take in!
anyway.....we chose things like the park and shops was because theres less temptation for others to want to hold him because he's in his buggy but meeting people in an environment (home) that he knows and is settled is definitely a good idea so ill try a bit of that aswell i think (just got to think of a way of telling people "back off he's mine you can't hold him" in a less crazy sounding way!!!).

thanks pottering, we haven't got a sling but we've got a carrier thing which my husband carries him around a lot in, ds's a bit of a chunk so i find him a bit heavy after a while. he's given my arms a really good workout!!!

I think slowly, slowly is the way to go. And even if you think he is adjusting really well - don't think "he's fine! We can get back to normal life now..."

Pick maybe 2 people or 2 couples and limit visits to your home for maybe an hour to start with.

Good luck!

Good advice from others, go slow. Once they get the cuddle it will be worth it.

Our son was 3 when he came to us, almost 4, so not holding material. It was several months before he volunteered cuddles to extended family but my sis got to have him sit on her knee at the beach after just under 3 months. And she really appreciated that.

I don't have any advice about introductions but I do carry my chunky 15mo in a sling, often for a long time, look into the different types available, it will do your back a favour! We have a toddler size connecta carrier that me and dh both use.

Hi
firstly congratulations on becoming a family. Its hard to know whats best isnt it.
our dd was placed with us 8 weeks ago aged 11 months , we took it very slowly with people popping in for about 30 minutes in the first two weeks but very low key , no picking up , only interacting when she came to them .

Since then she has really grown in confidence , happy , smiley and selective. When we go to mother and toddler she stays nearby and shares smiles with us when its singing time etc so we are seeing good signs of attachments.

We had to have some normal life because we also have a 7 year old so she has still had friends over to play and we have visited others because we didnt want any resentment from older sister by stopping her normal family activities.

I think it helped that our ac was with a foster carer who had young grandchildren and a v busy house as we are so perhaps look at what your sons previous experiences of family like were in fc.

Anyway 8 weeks on we had a party at ours with 10 children and 12 adults for an easter hunt and both our children had a fantastic time, with our ac trying to keep up with the big ones and smiling at everyone all day but coming to us when tired.

it has been a lot easier than we thought , although of course different personalities may need different things.

go with your gut , if your little one is showing signs of wanting cuddles from you and lots of eye-contact then you know that if he does get overwhelmed you can comfort him and ask others to give you some time.

i do agree with slowly but felt that we didnt need to go that slow , hardest to manage is others expectations.

sounds like all going well, but as with any parenting there is no manual and no hard fast rule and sometimes if you get it a bit wrong it teaches you how to get it right

with our eldest bc we had a saying at the end of every day , "well we all survived so thats a good day"

Enjoy xxx

We didn't see anyone for a month, then introduced one set of grandparents slowly (short bursts) at both our house and theirs (they are our emergency contacts so we felt important to build on that, just in case we had to take one to hospital or something - we adopted siblings). We then started introducing others, I think first cuddles were 10+ weeks in, with a couple of family members. We still made it very clear to everyone that all 'looking after' type stuff, wiping noses, putting on shoes, getting drinks etc. should only be done by us, we did this for pretty much first 5 months.

I agree with others, you know your child, all are different. Things we were told never to do so early (we've taken them away overnight for example) we felt they could cope with and they have done really well. You'll constantly need to reassess as it can be steps forward then back with some things and this could be one, but go with your gut

thanks everyone, its really good to hear different peoples experiences. i think the hardest bit is grandparents expectations of the amount they should be involved already especially because there are other birth grandchildren in the family already who they are really close to and spend loads of time with.
it is really good to hear how long other people have kept people away, it gives me more confidence that we are doing the right thing.

Basically do everything later than you think is my advice. Things that look like they are ok can still come back at you down the line. Whenever you think they are "settled" in my experience they still have a long way to go. Above proves everyone is different to an extent though. We for example were not told not to take them away but didn't from advice on forums. Still nearly a year in (our LO came very young) it was horrific when we took him away. Everyone thought he was fine etc but the fall out was horrific. He truly although still very very young thought he was moving on again. We waited as I say until after a year to do this and it still wasn't long enough. AGain despite coming very young he only instigated cuddles 18 months in. Whilst others will have opposite examples I still think err on the side of extreme caution. Adults can wait for cuddles, to give care etc but for the LO it can't be undone. All adopters I know felt they had taken a lot of notice of the funnelling but given their time again would do it and then some.

About a year . We were the only ones who held her, changed her, bathed, fed and carried her .

It doesn't stop family and close freinds being part of the childs life . It's perfectly possible to play with someone else's child without sitting them on your lap all the time .

A sling is a great plan , if your back is up to it ( mine wasn't ) .

You only get once chance to do this right for your child. Their welfare is more important than an adult relative feeling they " need " a cuddle . The adults don't need any such thing . It's your child who needs to become attached to you .

Great advice everyone - our AD-D will be coming to us in a couple of weeks at 11 months old.