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Adoption

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Original poster

"Is she your own?"

26 replies

Tishtash2teeth · 01/04/2015 17:09

Just need a little rant to people who will understand. Bumped into a woman that use to attend the toddler group I went to with my son. Since last seeing her I have adopted a second baby girl who is now 16 months. So we stop to say hello and my gorgeous girl toddles over and she says "oh my god, is she your own". So I say "yes", what I want to say is "of course she's my fucking own you dimwit, as is my beautiful boy standing right behind her". It wasn't just what she said, people often say clumsy things, it was the way she said it, as if having 'my own' as she called it, was somehow superior to adoption. My dh is quite right in saying not to pay attention, but it enrages me. I'm also narked that I received an email from work asking for contributions to a baby bundle for a man I work with Whois. About o go on paternity, when I didn't even get so much as a card. I just hate the way adoption is somehow seen as second rate and in the eyes of some less deserving of celebration. Anyway, rant over!

OP posts:
99pokerface · 01/04/2015 17:12

Amen sister preach lol

I was at the school parents evening and the teacher said so can you tell me anything about her mum I then went on to describe myself she looked a little red when she cottoned on I then said I a, her mum do you mean her birth mother Wink

TarkaTheOtter · 01/04/2015 17:17

Did she know you were in the process of adopting? Are you sure she wasn't asking if you were childminding/babysitting her?

Devora · 01/04/2015 17:50

Yes, yes, yes! My two have different skin colours, and I get this all the time: "Which one is yours?", "Yes, but are they sisters?", on and on. it does my head in. And you can't always ignore it, because the children hear it.

As for the lesser celebration of adoption: absolutely. With dd1 (birth child) I was showed with presents and cards and flowers - I literally had to give away bags of stuff that I knew we would never use. When I adopted dd2, I think two people sent cards. I got a card at work, but not the usual bundle of presents and flowers that people got when going off on maternity leave. It gives you the really unpleasant feeling that your children are somehow being seen as second rate.

Original poster
Tishtash2teeth · 01/04/2015 18:38

I read an article where somebody had used their mother as a surrogate, and had considered adoption, but decided against it as "why should I settle for adoption". Argh! If anybody thinks for even one minute that I 'settled' for my children, they are very sorely mistaken.

The first time I went on adoption leave I got a card, but not the send off in the staff room that people going on maternity usually get, second time around nothing at all. I don't think even my close family got me a card first time round. It was heartbreaking. I know it's not the biggest issue in the world, and I am so lucky to have such amazing, funny, happy children, I just hate it when others can't see this. I feel sometimes that there is a sense of pity that goes alongside adoption, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

OP posts:
LastingLight · 01/04/2015 18:41

My standard answer to "your own" is "of course she's mine own, who else's would she be?". I feel your pain.

Kewcumber · 01/04/2015 19:34

Slightly linked when someone I know recently decided to quit TTC after multiple miscarriages she was very upset to hear adoption called a "last resort" and got all loquacious about it being the best way to build their family etc etc

I reminded her that adoption was a last resort in the same way that her DH was her "last resort" boyfriend.

Chronologically last doesn;t imply anything about quality!

noodle8000 · 01/04/2015 19:56

I get asked this about my bio daughter because she's mixed race. But I've always dreamt of adopting too so hopefully someday I'll really be able to confuse people when they ask me this.

dimples76 · 01/04/2015 20:26

I think I was very lucky with my work as they all seemed really excited for me and were very supportive about me becoming a parent. I had arranged to have a celebratory lunch with a couple of my closest work friends but when I got to the pub discovered they had organised a surprise party.

So many people seem to speak without thinking. Most recently I bumped in to one of my Mum's best friends when I was out and about with my LO. She proclaimed in a very loud voice - he looks so normal, you'd never guess he was adopted!

morethanpotatoprints · 01/04/2015 20:34

Hello OP

My late dm used to be asked this all the time, it was usually followed by what a coincidence, she just looks like you.
Not really, since they used to match physical resemblance as much as possible.

She used to say that no children belong to anybody, they are their own and lent to you for a short while.
I guessed this was her comfort for silly remarks. She always thought of something philosophical to say.

Buster510 · 01/04/2015 20:40

Argh frustrated for you. It's modeso when people make comments infront of our children?! Aw work yesterday a lady referred to BM in context of DSs mum. I just have to put it down to complete unknown & innocence when people say these things. Or I would drive myself mad.

Velvet1973 · 01/04/2015 20:51

When our little man was placed with us I was really surprised, friends and family were not forthcoming celebratory wise. Even an aunt and uncle that send us an anniversary card every year never sent a card! However neighbours and some of whom I'd barely met around the village gave us cards and presents and stopped to congratulate us. My work was utterly bizarre! They'd been with me through the ivf's etc for years and I thought we were a close lot, they always used to go overboard for big birthdays spending at least £100 and really making it special (hadn't had any babies or weddings to compare as all a bit older). When I left however there wasn't even a card. I went back in a few weeks after little man had been placed and they gave me a card and a bunch of flowers. I went back a couple of weeks ago to take some things into HR and they gave me a £30 gift card. This was also me leaving after 6 years as not returning to work so was all a bit underwhelming.
As for comments hv tops the list when I registered him as he was 6 months. She asked if I had any other children to which I replied no and her response was "goodness that must be very hard when it's your first and it's somebody else's!"

iwishkidslikedtomatoes · 01/04/2015 21:37

Myself and my partner had quite the opposite experience, everyone at both our works gave us a better send off than if we had conceived naturally, in fact our presents were far more generous and we were very surprised. Their support has continued.

I regularly get things said that I cringe at due to not being entirely the most correct things to say but I've realised there is no harm intended, people just don't realise/understand/know what to say, so as long as it's not within the ears of my LO's, I really don't mind...but then when I've had so much support and love from these same people that does come very easily...

99pokerface · 01/04/2015 22:09

My family were rubbish we sent out announment cards on the day we got a yes at matching panel we barely got a phone call howeve pretty much every one of dh patients have him somthing for the baby

My sister who was my refree still hasn't seen ds and she was places almost 2 years ago now dh sister only rocked up a year into placement

iwishkidslikedtomatoes · 01/04/2015 23:17

99pokerface* My friends have been amazing, but some family members are the same as yours. Shocking isn't it...Sad Makes me so frustrated....

Haffdonga · 01/04/2015 23:24

By the by, did anyone hear Clare Grogan on Woman's Hour this week talking about her book that she has written and about adoption. She has an adopted dd and is patron of BAAF.

I was shocked to hear her say that after adopting her dd, she still thought about the chances of having one of ' her own ' . Shock

64x32x24 · 02/04/2015 12:35

When I had my DS (birth) there was nothing from work. Despite all other recent work babies having been having collections and cards etc.

When DD (adopted) arrived, we were overwhelmed with gifts and cards from all over, it was amazing!

When we were still technically fostering DD, I've had DS' head teacher come up to me in school playground saying 'We just found out, from what DS has been saying - and isn't he a clever one - she is not yours!' With DS standing next to me. And 'clever' enough to grasp what she was saying. DD still too young, fortunately, to understand anything.

I've had quite a few 'is she yours?' rather than 'is she your own?' type questions in the early days, which I was actually ok with, as lots of people are out and about with children who aren't 'theirs' (childminders and nannies with their charges, people taking their friends' LOs out, etc.). 'Is she yours?' is really innocent IMO and not loaded with all the preconceptions in 'is she your own?'

But what was really bad was, of all places, at adoption approval panel! One panel member asked me to explain why we wanted to adopt rather than wanting another child of our own. I didn't want to antagonise anyone right then, but it felt a bit like a trick question! So I started by saying 'but we DO want another child of our own. I think what you meant to ask was why we had chosen adoption to have another child of our own, over trying to have another child by birth.'

StaceyAndTracey · 02/04/2015 13:49

I like to say

" no, I shop lifted him from asda " or " I bought him on eBay "

Sometimes I add " they were on buy one get one free "

This makes my children laugh loudly and the person who asked look embarrassed

As they bloody well should . A stupid answer to a stupid question

I guess it wouldn't work if your children were younger or sensitive , but mine are at the age they think it's funny . And they are old enough to know how you actually get children .

candidkate · 02/04/2015 14:08

OP - Sorry you had to hear that - it really is just ignorance and (sometimes) snideness. Also people like to keep adoption very private so I think people tiptoe around it. Because women/men gush and express themselves a lot about pregnancy of course at work people will make more of a fuss....as opposed to adoption which can be very gruelling and again....in some ways a more personal journey.
Or no?
In any case people need to grow up! Its 2015

candidkate · 02/04/2015 14:10

64x32x24 - very very good post. Best I've seen in a while actually x

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 02/04/2015 17:04

Sorry you've had that OP. I've become adept at gently correcting. / firmly rebutting / strongly batting back the "is she yours" questions.

I feel even more lucky that our friends, family and work colleagues made a big fuss when DD came along (almost more so than when DS was born). I'm really sad that isn't a universal experience

Ladyofthehouse · 08/04/2015 16:56

My favourite comment when someone met my two daughters was
Her: are they twins?
Me: no there's 11 months between them
Her: oh, but how nice to have one of each
Me: they're both girls
Her: yes but one blonde and one brunette. Did you choose them that way?

Like, seriously we selected our children based on hair colour at age 1?? What is wrong with people!

Italiangreyhound · 09/04/2015 00:16

Velvet re "goodness that must be very hard when it's your first and it's somebody else's!" what a stupid thing to say, so sorry but you know how wonderful this is so you can IGNORE that kind of BS!

Italiangreyhound · 09/04/2015 00:22

Sorry for those of you whose family have not really stepped up to seeing the new arrival. I do feel a tiny but like that with one or two friends. DS has been with us almost a year.

Tokoloshe · 11/04/2015 07:56

With a trans-racial family I have had some very entertaining conversations :D but I have a dodgy sense of humour :D

Are they your children?
Yes...
Signs of deep thought.
Is their father black?
BOTH their fathers are black (same BM, different BFs)

:o huge shock :D

On a train with YDD man crosses corridor to ask ' is this your child?'
Yes
Is your husband black?
I'm not married :D

Shock and hasty retreat :D

Italiangreyhound · 11/04/2015 11:04

Tokoloshe Not sure how you resisted asking "Who brought you up to ask such rude questions!"