Delaying going to panel

[MyNameIsFled]

Apologise for being vague about specifics but I want to cry/scream/shout

I've just got big promotion at work which doesn't actually change my hours just my pay & responsibilities. We are due to go to panel is 5 wks and after long discussions DH and I agreed that he should take the adoption leave (I only work very Part time) as I would be home anyway and will give him a chance to bond properly.

SW now decided that this means DH will be the "main carer" despite me only being at work 3-4 evenings a week and want to delay going to panel so they can explore DH as main carer.

Surely this is about joint parenting and the time I will be at work DH will be there

How frustrating

Sounds as if they had just assumed that you would eg the main carer?

I am not surprised you are frustrated! How bloody annoying for you...and I am not sure I get it either. I have always assumed that they are approving a couple as a couple...what would happen if, 2 weeks into placement, your DH suddenly lost his job and you had to increase your hours? They aren't going to take the children away from you...

Can completely understand how you feel. I didn't appreciate this was how it worked....

This doesn't surprise me in that we were told during our assessment and heard in panel them say a lot of 'as Iwish is the main carer we believe that..' e.g. suitable to adopt siblings etc. and very much got the impression this would not be the case if my DH was main carer (this was based on my previous experience with working with children). Also my DH commented on fact they focused far more on me during assessment because I was going to be the main carer. I did think it was strange because what if I got sick in a year's time, or god forbid died or something like that, but anyway...

What does surprise me is that with you working evenings, your DH is essentially doing the bit a regular 9-5 partner would be doing anyway just that bit on his own, so surely it makes no difference, if anything it's a bonus that your future LO has two parents at home all day. As you work evenings do you then have to sleep in the day? I can't see their reasoning to be honest. Very annoying for you So sorry you have to have a delay.

Just composing an email now. I work 6-12 or 5-11 so DH always does bedtime routine whether I'm here or not. Aaarrrrgggghhhhh

Then I definitely agree.... double arghhhhhhhhh!!!!

MyNameIsFled just be gentle in your email. Please. Write it and wait to send it. Make sure you come across as calm and all that.

IMHO you are right to be cross!

But I would say if things have changed, if you said you would be the main carer etc, social workers must have their processes to follow.

If you did not say and they assumed then still be gentle. If SW feel they are being sidelined in decisions etc they may be more difficult. Until the child is home and adopted they still like to be/feel in charge a bit. This is not meant as a criticism of social workers, just my feeling.

Good luck.

Thanks italian. We took about an hour to compose it explaining we were confused as we thought it was a joint assessment regarding joint parenting and have never "chosen" one parent as the main carer as that isn't our style. Have also explained that this will be of benefit to both BC & AC since we are both around most of the time to provide support so should the AD need individual attention, our BC won't be sidelined. It's very carefully worded and I'm trying to express my hurt that they don't consider DH to be of equal worth as a parent to me.

Thanks werejamming - it is the point that she doesn't feel we are equal carers and it's never been mentioned that I am "main carer" so very much an assumption. We are very much equal parents and intend to continue this

We talked about leave briefly but since I've been promoted it's more difficult for me to really take a year off without impacting hugely on my team. I never realised it was such a big deal

But - to play devil's advocate a little here - it is entirely possible that LO will form a bond with one of you faster than the other, and that is likely to be the parent who is around most. In most set ups that would be the person at home during the day, so it's a little different for you, but perhaps the SW has been thinking along these lines?

Another word of friendly advice - don't make it look like "I've got promoted so now the job is more important than the adoption". They need to hear that the adopted child is the most important thing in your life

Thanks closer. Definitely taking the last point on board. SW knew all about my applying for the job so that's no surprise to her at all.

We want the AC to bond with both if us so by DH being home and me working PT seems to fulfil both of us being around and this is what im trying to say to the SW. By me being off with the child won't seen DH from 7.30am til 4.30pm mon-fri

I do imagine this is about changing the narrative in the PAR and due to deadlines, your sw does not have enough time to rewrite it.

No one is to blame and as Italian said, ss have procedures and processes to follow. They have got to adapt to your change in circumstance.

Also, and you cannot understand this until you have your child, dynamics / behaviour management style / attachment styles will all need to be reconsidered. A good sw will have a handle on how you each will react as primary carer. If the general assumption had been made that it was going to be you, the switch to your husband, or both of you together, will need to be seriously considered from the point of view of the impact on your child.

I wouldn't really send anything like you are planning if it were me. I would be asking how we could help the process along speedily to ensure that we could get to panel asap.

Good luck.

MyNameIsFled if you have already sent the email, no worries, but if it is still pending, please wait a bit - even just a few hours until tomorrow - and consider what to say.

They are not saying your dh is not as a good a parent as you etc. I know it sounds hard to make this point (especially as you are already parenting a child together - we too have a birth child and a child who joined us by adoption), and yes your situation is different as your work is when the kids are off to bed it seems .... But

Being hurt or offended etc will get you nowhere with social workers (IMHO) they will not be changing their procedures etc to help your feelings. I know it is so hard to hear (and hard to say) but really IMHO they won't.

My slightly plump social worker had to tell me (much more than plump) I needed to lose wait and she was embarrassed so I did all I could to make her fee less so (I was expecting it) but I could have said things if I felt offended. Had I done so she would have perhaps been even more careful in monitoring my weigh loss progress! Our SW also said our home (where our dd has lived almost all her life) needed changes to be 'safe' for a new child. DH was a bit pissed off at that one but we just needed to do it.

A new child coming in will not bond with parents equally (most likely) and that just needs to be acknowledged as that is not something most birth parents really need to think about.

Also, when you need to leave for work may be significant if you are going out and leaving the house at bed time or tea time may be more significant than the actual time you start work (IYSWIM). If you work evenings and kids are in bed before you go out then I can see it is not a big deal at all. But if you need to leave for work just as they are having tea or going to bed it MIGHT have some impact on a child.

So do just let the social worker register his or her thoughts before you say how you think it will or will not impact, IMHO.

All the very best.

Quick update. We did send a very carefully worded expressing our concerns about the assumptions made about "main carer". Received a call this morning and after discussions our SW says it's not a problem and panel will not be delayed.

Yet another hurdle overcome

have never "chosen" one parent as the main carer as that isn't our style

It may not be your style, but it is likely to be your adopted child's. They are more likely to attach to one of you first, then the other, rather than both together. I'm surprised the social worker didn't explore this in detail with you.

It sounds like some assumptions have been made by the SW which frustrating I understand. But think of it this way. If panel asks your SW a question on this, and they can't answer, it is going to be a barrier to you being approved.

Far better to fill in this blank now, then sail through panel a couple of weeks late, than get a referral at panel.

Crossed posts

Good news MyName

Excellent

Awesome :)