My feed

to access all these features

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.


ex doesn't want the responsibility. Dh would like to adopt. advice please?

6 replies

PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 09:21

On the advice of another MNer, I've reposted here in the hope your experiences can help me.

I've name changed for this but am a regular. Hopefully it's in the right place could be long, here goes...

My ex, the father of my 3 dc, has admitted he would like to shake his responsibility of our children.

4 years ago, he left us. He hasn't seen his children since or contacted us at all. There's been absolutely no occasion where he's asked after their welfare, given money, gifts etc.

My children call my DH dad and he treats them as if they were his own.

It's taken the csa all this time to find my ex, we had no address or employment info, they found him working and made an attachment to his earnings for maintenance. However, he quit his job and isn't claiming benefit so he no longer has to pay me.

Recently, I've come back into contact with his brother. Bit weird. Let's call him Dave. Dave has told me that he's asked ex why he doesn't step up with his children. Ex said that he wants a quiet life and doesn't want anything to do with them. Dave said why don't you hand them over to someone who actually cares then (meaning dh) and ex said if she gets the csa off my back then I will.

I'm stunned by the admission. I knew he didn't want them but now I've heard it from the horses mouth so to speak, I feel I need to act on it.

I know that I need to contact a solicitor.
But legally what can be done? My DH would love nothing more than to have responsibility over the children. He adores them. We've never sought court action against ex before because we thought he would fight us but now he's admitted it, I wondered if it can be done without a long, drawn out and complicated process?

Any advice or experience would be great.

OP posts:
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 09:37


OP posts:
floatyjosmum · 31/03/2015 11:21

Hi. You don't need a solicitor - a social worker writes the report and you need to apply to the court so will just be a court fee.
You do need to notify your local children's services - this is usually the adoption team but if you ring the duty team they will be able to help.
3 months after notifying them you can apply to the court for the order.

PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 13:38

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:
slkk · 31/03/2015 20:57

You could get pr for your dh without him adopting them. It just takes agreement from all those who currently have pr and would be a lot quicker. Your ex wouldn't lose pr but I guess you could informally tell him that if he agrees you won't pursue him for maintenance.

Italiangreyhound · 31/03/2015 22:23

PipsPotatoes I am so sorry to hear about your ex's appalling attitude to his children. But glad they have your dh.

I cannot advise about the legal side of this but can I just encourage you to talk to someone, maybe from adoption UK who knows about the issues involved. This is both for you, in processing all this but also so that when your children are older and ask about their birth father you can address this with them.

As adoptive parents we are given support and advice because one day we may be asked by our children (I have a birth dd and a son by adoption) why did my birth mum/dad not want me, not get their act together enough to keep me etc etc. We are always encouraged not to 'bad mouth' the biological parents but to be open and honest in a child friendly way.

This can be harder for some than others, depending what has happened to our children. For parents who know the birth parents, e.g. family adoptions this may be a real mix, they know the good side (you must have been drawn to your ex once) and also know the personal side of the situation (your ex leaving you and abandoning his children in this callous way).

Please do get some counselling or advice if you can so you can help your kids to have a realistic view of their biological dad but also share the positives because a very negative view of a birth parent can impact badly on kids. VERY sorry if this is all obvious and unhelpful. Please ignore me if it is.


Italiangreyhound · 31/03/2015 22:23
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.