Belongings from Birth Family

[SantaLucia91]

Hi,
I am a foster carer who would welcome the views of adoptive parents on a particular issue that's preoccupying me at the moment. Within the next month I will be moving our foster child, an 18 month old boy, onto adoption. I have moved two previous fc onto adoption and feel quite OK about Introductions generally but am wondering how best to hand over to the adopters all the masses of stuff he has from his birth family.

The two previous fc had hardly anything from their birth families so what they had fitted into a nice "memory box" to be passed on. This little one, in contrast, had contact twice a week for many months and used to come back from practically every contact with carrier bags full of stuff. So there are clothes that fit him now, clothes that he wore but has outgrown, clothes that are now too small but which he never wore (for unknown reasons in the early days of the placement his birth Mum used to buy him things in too small size eg 0-3 months clothes when he was 6 months old) and clothes which he hasn't yet grown into. There are also all kinds of toys including some big Fisher Price ones, various "household items" like blankets, bowls, spoons, teethers etc and a number of items which I thought were unsuitable for him to have for safety reasons, so have only ever been away in a cupboard.

When Intros begin, do you think I should just put all this stuff together in a few huge bags and hand it over for the new parents to sift through? Or would it be helpful if I sorted it all into stuff he can still wear/ stuff he can't still wear etc. Do I need to explain why some of the stuff hasn't even been seen by fc, or just hand it all over without comment and let the new parents decide what they think? Do I need to separate what was given as Birthday/ Christmas presents rather than just in regular contact visits?

Please be gentle with me - I do recognise I am probably overthinking all this and that material possessions are not the most important thing to be worrying about. If truth be told I am very aware how tough it's going to be to say goodbye to this little one and I deal with this by doing my utmost to help Intros go as well as possible for everyone. Sorting out all the stuff in his room is a good way of taking my mind off the more emotional stuff!
Thank-you.

I don't think you at overthinking this at all. It sounds like you are trying to do the best job you can for your charge.

I would sort it into the following:

1. current clothes
2. past clothes that were worn
3. past clothes that weren't worn
4. baby items that were used but outgrown
5. unused / inappropriate household items and toys
6. current items
7. future stuff
8. memory box item (with a story for each if possible)

I would then explain to the adopters that you think 3 and 5 can probably be donated, 2, 4 and 7 should be sorted and stored, 8 should be kept safe and that 1 and 6 are the transition items to keep things familiar.

Hope this helps.

Presents could be labeled and placed in a separate bag or with the memory box stuff.

Odyssey has said it all! I 100% agree!

SantaLucia I would just say you are definitely not over thinking it. This is all very important, not all the items are important but sorting it is important. Your foster child's new parents will have little idea what is what so this could be a real gift of love to your foster child and a service to your foster child's new parents.

If I can add one thing, please list the most special and significant items and keep an electronic copy of the list on your pc or whatever. Things do get lost and the first weeks and months will be terribly busy for the new family.

We have had our son living with us for a year (it has flown by!) and we meet up with the foster carer (the lady of the family) about twice a year (although in the early days we did meet up more often so the next time we meet it will be about half a dozen meetings but we will move to once every six months for as long as he wants and as long as the foster carer can manage. I say this because if you wish to stay in his life in some way, for his benefit I mean (but of course nice for you if you wish) then you may find the new family are open to it.

Bless you.

Our FC pretty much did what Odyssey has suggested and it was so helpful to us. It really helped us know what we could put straight into cupboards in the bedroom and what could go straight into loft and was already sorted (we'd not be able to sort them in the same way without the knowledge of their history either). While you say material things are maybe not of the highest priority, to adopters at the point of intros you are right they're not, but this is exactly why our FC being so thoughtful at sorting was so helpful. It meant we could get on with spending time with LO's and then sleeping at night, not sorting through stuff. So if it also helps you detract from emotional side, then I say go for it! They'll be so grateful

Good luck with the intros. You have nothing but my respect. Our Foster family were amazing, they made it so easy for us and yet you could see in their eyes how hard it was for them to say goodbye, yet they did this without any stress being put on us or the children. We gained friends for life there and still see them, we owe them a lot! I hope it goes smoothly, despite how hard it will be emotionally for you. You're a star!

Have you offered the clothes that the child has outgrown back to the birth parents? I know I wanted my son's back as I felt they were of no Use to them and was sentimental to myself

Ourmiracle that is a very good point. Although I must say if any clothes for ds's babyhood were in existence I would love to have them to pass on to him.

We are keeping lots of things of his. One day he may meet his birth mum and she may wish to have something from his childhood. I am saving a lot of stuff if I can. It is hard to know what is special. But your comment has made me think that that would be a good thing to think of in relations to ds's birth family.

Have two memory box's One off BP's which can be very personal and One for more personal memory's growing up Hospital tag's 1st. bootees , shoes etc. , dependant on age of child's / baby's placement. Toys and cloth's all will be played with and used, who ever bought them, they will have their favourite's, don't think you have too differentiate unless there is a specific reason for doing this, send everything, Best adoptive family just replace things gradual as and when needed this way child will have all familiar and favourite items and cloth's around them for some time.

I kept some and allowed some to go with my son. It's finding a happy medium. I asked for his Chelsea shirt to either be kept or returned to me rather than thrown. I haven't received it back so am hoping he still has it.

Also due to my son's age at placement (3) most of his clothes were just general clothes rather than his firsts if that makes sense. But the Chelsea shirt was his first football kit.

Thank-you for all your replies and advice.
Ourmiracle, I have definitely offered things back to little one's birth Mum, and she has had some things back, but mostly she sees things she has given as being for him, and she wants them to go with him. She has always been keen on photos and I have sent her lots of photos including ones of him playing with toys/ wearing clothes she has sent. I have a lot of compassion for birth Mum, who clearly loves him very much but is unable to look after him. She has been dealt some bad cards in life, obviously I can't go into any details. I have read some of your posts in other threads and I have thought that I hope for her that she is able to go forward in her life with as much resilience and courage as you. I wish you all the best.