Anyone adopted as a single parent

[Morley19]

I am 45, been single for 2 1/2 years (after bad relationship breakdowns and IVF attempts)

I am seriously starting to think about adoption as a single patent and would love to hear from anyone that has done this

I don't know where to start and have so many questions eg I have a very successfiul job and, as a single person, would need to carry on working full time, is this a problem?

Hope to hear from people

Thanks xx

Lots of people have! I am sure they will be along! And some of these have gone back to work full time.

But they will want to know you have a good support network - you need people who can step in at a moment's notice if you have a crisis. Those people can be friends or family or both.

You will need to demonstrate flexibility - and be prepared to cut your hours if your child is not coping with separation. Are you able to work from home? Do you travel much with work?

I went back to work part time after 9 months and full time after 12 months - but I can work at least 1.5 days a week from home and DH also works from home one day a week. It's been fine but we did have a blip which I think in part was caused by me going back to work.

Good luck.

I don't think It would be an issue at all, there were a few single ladies on our training days and I know two of them were approved on the same day as me and my OH

I'm just at the matching panel stage but I'm single and work full time and I thought it would be a problem but it really hadn't been. I have a massive support network, work full time but longer days so have more days off and I am prepared to reduce hours if needed. Family support great, they've all tended prep training too! Most of my friends have little ones and as has been already said, they want to know who will be there for you when problems arise. Or who will be there for emotional, practical support.
Some aspects were better as a single, only one medical to chase, only one DBS to wait for, less time needed for meetings as only one childhood, career etc to discuss.
Finances are hard. 9 months leave is pretty much stated as required (although one Sw doing financial assessment said I could go back early if I wanted if child had bonded well! - er no, I want as long off as I can!). Good luck xx

I would've 100% considered this had I not fallen pregnant.

It's amazing thing to do, single or not (I am a lone parent).

Go for it

Yes I'm a single mum of 4. my situation is slightly unusual in that I knew my eldests birth mother and took custody of her by SGO with legal additions initially. My youngest, her biological half sister was a 'straight forward' adoption. I also have two birth children. My single status wasn't a issue, other things were initially but the fact I was single was actually viewed as more of a positive than I thought.
I'll happily answer any questions if I can

Hi everyone

Thanks so much for your replies.

My main issue is that I am an FD of a medium sized company, it would be practically impossible for me to completely disappear for any length of time (I know legally I would be entitled to).

As such, if I were successful, I'm assuming it would be for maybe a child that had just started (or was about to start) school?

Hi Morley, I'm not a single adopter but I think that is where your problem will lie. I was told school age or not they require a minimum of 9 months off work. You also for the first few months can't leave your child with anybody else - I do know a single adopter who had to, due to a bout of ill health and obviously when you're single without the partner back up that's where you need your support network. However, unless you intend only to be at work after you have dropped LO off and are there to pick him/her up then it will be a problem. The initial bonding stage for attachment is vitally important, so you really do need months off.

Hi Morley

I'm a single adopter - my little one is 4 and has been with me for 2 years. Being single didn't seem to be an issue when I was approved although you do need to show a very strong support network - who will pick up LO if you are stuck on traffic on the way from work? who will look after them if they are sick and you can't get there? who will look after them when you are sick? Who will provide emotional support for you during the ups and downs etc. I think at the moment there are lots of approved adopters waiting and it may be that couples are preferred over single adopters sometimes, although for some children single adopters may be preferred.

It is really hard to deal with the work issue when it is hypothetical - it's impossible to predict how you will feel about work when you have a child or what that child's needs are so I would say don't overthink it now but do be prepared that if you want a child your work has to come second - that means you are prepared to cut your hours, change to a different job or stop working completely if that is what your child needs.

Some single adopters do work full time but from previous threads I think most said part time. I took a year off and went back 4 days and there is no way I could manage more - my LO needs that time with me and I need it to keep on top of the chores. As a single parent you have to take your child everywhere so there is no more popping out to the shops quickly or having a quick clean up - everything takes 5 times as long with a mini-helper in tow.

Before I adopted I remember thinking it would be really hard to take time off and I worried about how my workplace would cope without me - turns out I had a massively inflated sense of my own importance - they just got someone to cover me and the world kept turning. You going off for a year might cause some inconvenience but, and I mean this in nicest possible way, none of us are indispensable and your workplace will cope without you. In fact taking that time off was a really good way of resetting the priorities in my life. Since I've gone back I worked every bit as hard as before am not in the office a minute over my contracted hours because I can't as I have to do the nursery drop-off and pick up - I still seem to just about get my work done so I have no idea what I was doing in those extra hours I was spending at my desk before! Sometimes I have to do a bit of catching up in the evening after LO is in bed but that works ok.

Although younger children may need more intensive parenting in some ways, school age children may have more complex needs and need just as much time. A school age child is still likely to need you to be off work for quite some time to settle them in and make sure you are there for every drop off and pick up. Also, you will be exhausted during the first 6-12 months from the massive life change so you will need the time off too.

Adopting is the best thing I ever did. It's important to think through the practicalities of work and finances but don't let these issues put you off as things change along the way and if you keep an open mind solutions will appear.

Good luck

Just popped on and read Grimble's fab advice. However, realised my poor use of English suggested that,in my first sentence, being a single adopter is where your problem will lie, when I was actually referring to your last comment re time off, which you probably got, but just in case...

Grumble and iwishkids, thanks so much for your posts, really helpful

Lots to think about but I am definitely going to make initial enquiries. If i don't I will regret it one day. It's just been hard getting my head round how my life has turned out, complete opposite to what I had expected/hoped for! But I know I am far from alone in that regard

Thanks again, I really appreciate you taking the time to post

Xx

Morley really pleased you are going to make some enquiries but - and really sorry if I am sounding harsh - you have to rethink your priorities - or at least know that you need to change your mindset before engaging with Social Wprkers....

You need to be confident that you can take 9 months - possibly a year off. Also - SWs need to hear (although I appreciate you may not do this) that you will change your life/career for your child if that proves necessary. I know at least one adopter who had an equally high powered job but she - as a single adopter - realised her child needed her around more and so downsized to do be able to do that.

SWs like to hear that you are willing to be flexible - and an adopted child might need you to be flexible.

It might well be possible for you to continue your job with the same hours but it might also well not be. You have to be prepared to change. Have contingency plans.

At the moment - both DH and I work but in less than 5 years - DH will almost certainly not be working and if we need a SAHP then DH will quit and we will downsize.

You won't be allowed to adopt if - after 2 months - you go back to work and just rely on childminders/nannies. They require a minimum of 6 months and really want you to take a year off --and will want to know you can afford to.

Sorry if I have sounded harsh - just want to forewarn you of the conversations you are likely to have with SWs

Thanks hels

Don't worry, it's not harsh. I am aware of what you say, my post may have come across like I wanted to prioritise my job but it's not like that at all, I just need the job, being single

I totally appreciate it would be a massive life changing event

I will make enquiries and take it from there. Thanks for your post xx

Single adopter, adopted a 1 year old 8 years ago. Hopefully the fact that I was FD of an SME at the time might give you some insight!

It is totally unrealistic to think that you can partially work during your adoption leave. At BEST you will be able to ring the office to guide and advise whomever is filling in for you. I went back to work after 5 months increasing from 1-4 days a week over the following 2 months and it was waaaaay too soon and I regret it.

I know I had a younger child but I can't believe an older child would be any easier. One of the things that helped D's settle in at school was me dropping off and picking up every day and volunteering to read in school. Additionally he would certainly not have been ok with breakfast club or after school clubs for really quite some time.

I was particularly unfortunate as I developed a life threatening condition when was about 3 which both made it difficult for me to work and exacerbated his separation issues and eventually I had to give up work completely for a few years.

My career has never recovered as I really need to be more flexible than any FD role is able to be for DS. Its what he deserves and though I am semi- destitute (!) I dont regret it at all.

Lone parenting isn't just harder because of the emotional pressure, being the sole provider adds to the difficulty.

On the other hand DS is a gem

Another single adopter here. Just to echo Kew's comment about the reality check of working at all during adoption leave, I had originally thought that "after a settling down period" I would be able to complete some studying during the evenings of my adoption leave. Hahahahahahahahahaha

LO has been home over 9 months, and I have opened a book TWICE. Once out of stubborn-ness one evening when I was too blind tired to take anything in, but thought I should be able to. And once during a cherished hour when LO started nursery on occasional mornings. I can foresee that, if things stay stable, I might genuinely be able to open the books next month during one nursery morning per week (I use the other sessions to sleep...). I have done about 3 tiny bits of work when there has been a genuine need to get involved (also have a role in an SME which is hard to cover). Other than that, work have just coped without me - galling, but true!

I adore LO, I (mostly) love my life now, but there is not much sleep, and there are utterly relentless needs from LO during the day. Not to entertain them, feed them, wash them (although I do all that, promise) but to provide pretty much constant emotional support and reassurance. It's intense, but the growing bond is really amazing.

Adopting has changed absolutely everything about my life, and I'm sure it will keep doing that. I hope you find the right agency for you, and your enquiries lead you down a positive path.

Hi, I was placed with a 5 1/2 year old over 6 years ago. I took a term off (teacher), it was no way enough and O deeply regret not taking more. I have worked 5 or 4 days over the 6 years, back on 5 for the last 3 years, but that is only possible because my HT is remarkably flexible and understanding. And tbh if I could make it work financially I'd take 6 months to a year off now & then look for a support staff position (currently middle management level, having stepped down from senior a couple if years ago). Work comes a very poor second to my boy, who is delightful but demanding. Very demanding. And school (his school) isn't a break for me, it's a massively stressful additional challenge.

Absolutely conclusively best thing I ever did though.

Good luck!

I was adopted by a single mom but it went bad, so bad that I had to leave her at 18. I wish I could have a father too.