Experience of reluctant adoption agencies?

[LookingforRainbows]

Hi, I am a regular mumsnetter but I have name changed because this is a very sensitive and private topic

Basically I am looking for advice and if anyone has had a similar experience.

My sister and her husband are going through the adoption process. They were approved at Panel almost one year ago, but they are still waiting to be matched to dc. I understand that this is not unusual, and many other couples wait a long time, but sadly, my sister and her husband have been given a hellish experience and the process has been awful for them.

My sister and her husband are unable to have biological children, she does not want IVF, and they have had their heart set on adoption for a very long time. They are fantastic with kids. My sister works with children herself, and her husband seems to have that natural ability to play with kids and my own dc are very fond of them. They very often take out my dc, and other dc of our family for day trips with no problems. I believe, and others have said they will make great parents.

However, as they were going through the process the agency presented them with many challenges. Here are simply a few:
Firstly, they were very very focused on my sister's past/previous health. Obviously this is crucial to being approved, as the dc will need healthy parents, granted. My sister had health problems in her teenage years and twenties. She is now free from the disease and aside from yearly check ups, has no current dealings with the hospitals or clinic, and is currently in the all clear and in great health. My sister ensured that the agency had all her medical history documents, and her GP, and two separate consultants who knew her provided letters to the adoption agency confirming that they considered her to be in good health and had no concerns with her adopting a young child. Despite all necessary information given to them about her medical and health past and present status, and three doctors to support her good health, the agency continued to use her health as an excuse to delay them going to Panel for months. Eventually, after a meeting they agreed they they could no longer keep doing this, and she and her husband went to Panel, and were approved. It took over 18 months between their application and approval, because of this obsession with her health.

However, even with the approval, the agency continues to find problems with my sister and her husband. My sister works full time, and had planned to take adoption leave, and then either work part time, or even not go back if she felt the child wasn't ready. Her husband is a full time student, having a career change after making redundant. However, my sister's boss was making things very difficult for her once she found out about her plans to adopt, (as it meant that she would be leaving with short notice, actually her boss was a cow about a whole other things but that is a whole other story) so my relative decided to simply pack up and focus on the adoption full time., even though she knew this meant she would forfeit her adoption leave. She had recently sold her second house, and alongside her husbands redundancy package, the profits of the house and years of savings, she could quite easily live comfortably for a year or two, without working, and after that her husband will have finished his studies and be working. The agency know this. So when my sister told the agency that she was now no longer working, and hoping to speed up the matching process, they came back to her saying that they were now concerned that there was no-one earning or working in the household, and therefore they didn't feel they were ready to adopt, and they would put the process on hold until either my sister or her husband had found a new job. Time and time again, my sister explained that she was planning to live off the profit of her house that she had recently sold which was almost her yearly salary anyway...they refused to listen and stood by their decision, that someone needed to be working.

So, a couple of months later, my sister has a new job. So now, again, her original plan of taking adoption leave is back. Yet still, time after time, the agency is dragging their feet. All of the adopters approved around the same time as the my relatives have now got dc. They agency continue to say, the right children have not come up etc etc, but my sister looks through the bemyparent magizine (she is a subscriber) and sees a number of children that she is desperate to give a home, yet the agency cannot find any children for her. My sister and her husband are black. And when my sister reminded her social worker that there is a higher proportion of black children to adopters, and they desire to adopt a black child, their social worker said "well, black children dont have to go with black parents so that doesn't make any difference".
My sister became very upset, I think the constant rejection and difficulties of the process had got to her, and unfortunately she broke down and began to cry in front of the social worker. The social worker then sad coldly, "well I can see that you are just not ready for this, so perhaps we should put your process on hold for another six months.

Basically, it is like they cannot win, and they are hitting their head against a brick wall. My sister and her husband are so so desperate for children, and the process has broken her. She was so confident and secure, but now every conversation about adoption she just becomes upset, because she feels like a failure, but the agency has not told her why she continues to fail to meet what they are looking for. Everything they have asked of her and her husband, they have given them or done for them. Every reference and family members and friends they have spoken to about my sister and her husband have sung their praises. They live in a house with two spare rooms, a large garden in a lovely area. They are fit and heAlthy, and they have clear DBS/criminal records etc, and have never been involved in any wrong doing. Why do the agency have such a problem with them?

Has anyone else experienced such hostility and mistrust from their agency or social workers? Or has anyone else felt like their agency has not been clear or supportive to them?

They have a meeting with the director of the adoption agency in a couple of weeks, and my sister has asked me to go along with her for support. I just want to shout at them and tell them that there is a couple here waiting to be parents, and their are children waiting for parents so what the hell is their problem, but obviously I will not be doing that, I will simply be sitting there and silently listening.

I just wanted to find out how common a problem this is in adoption circles really, as we don't know anyone else in rl who have adopted, and as I said before, all the other adopters at her agency have already had a child placed.

I know I have written an essay, and I' sorry, I guess I just needed to offload.....hoping the essay hasn't scared you all off....

Briefly putting aside the issues with the agency, perhaps your sister could register with Adoption Link? This is national, and does not require the SW to register you, so puts the painful process of looking for a match a bit more into adopters' own hands. I believe there are a lot more waiting adopters on there than waiting children, but you never know where the right match might be made. Also, when the family has been approved for six months, they are entitled to be on the national register of adopters, and should not be limited to waiting for a child within their own agency. Prospective adopters from non-white British origins are, I think, entitled to go on the national register three months after approval, if their own agency has no suitable children to match with them. (My info is a couple of years old though, so do check this!)

Now, going back to the issues you describe, every agency is different. Every prospective adopter will have the same assessment, but everyone will have a different experience of how that feels and how their SW handles things. It is possible to change agency if you really feel yours isn't behind you, but that can mean being re-assessed and re-approved, so if the relationships can be re-built clearly that's worth considering first. I'm sorry it has been a rough ride during the assessment, with apparently moving goal-posts etc. I hope the meeting goes well. Given how long this has taken, it might be worth being very direct and asking what the agency sees as blocks to a match now, and what needs to be done to resolve them. If at all possible, I would try to set a timeframe for a follow up meeting to review progress.

SW's will, quite truthfully, tell you that their priority is to find the right family for the child, not the right child for the adopters. If they feel all their children waiting have issues that mean they wouldn't be best supported by the adopters they have on their books, then they wouldn't be making the best long-term choice for the child to match any of those together. There are quite a few threads in this board lately about adopters who are in the long wait for a match, so in that sense, your sister is very much not alone.

Rest assured. We all go to hell and back in one way or another. It's bloody awful at the time and terrible for family members who have to support us but don't have the 'full picture'.
The issues you describe, although terribly frustrating for your sister, are all pretty common things for SW to obsess about. And it's so hard when your future life is in the hands of a SW.
Talking to my SW, agencies are being a lot more picky at the moment about about who they approve - they can afford to be as there is such a lack of children. And I guess the lack of children means they are not in any rush to get to matching panel.
So sorry that your sister is gng through this, but she will get a child in the end and, although it's soooooo hard to believe now, it all becomes a distant memory x x x x

This sounds so frustrating. I can understand some of the things to be 100% honest, but the sense that comes across is very inhumane.

We had a few difficulties with being properly considered for matches, but this sounds on a different scale.

You mentioned Be My Parent. Is your sister contacting the SWs of children who could be matches directly? Is she on Adoption Link? I think I'd be tempted to cut my losses with the agency and family find for myself.

If it's been almost a year, are they going back to Panel?

Is the range/needs of children they are approved for really narrow?

It's lovely that you're so in her corner.

Adoption link is brilliant and does give you back some control but you do need your social worker to agree to you signing up and CPRs still often go to SW so you can't do it without them unfortunately.

Your sister's story is sadly not unfamiliar.

I think your sister needs to get her agency to lay their cards on the table. She needs to know if the SW/agency are effectively revoking their approval. Because they WERE approved, sort of against the SW's opinion if I understand correctly. Having been approved by panel and agency decision maker, I do not think it is really in the SW's remit to declare that the prospective adopters are 'not ready' or should be 'put on hold'. But a year having passed, the approval will be coming up for review now.

I think their strategy should be to have that meeting with the director. Remain very calm, just state the 'facts' - that they were approved (against SW's opinion?). That their SW (rightly or wrongly, it doesn't matter at this point) felt they were not ready to adopt despite having been approved, and therefore didn't family find for them (and stopped their efforts to search themselves?).
Then they should ask for their approval, which is up for review I suppose, to be properly reviewed. And if their approval is confirmed, then they should be given a SW who agrees with that approval.

And they should point out that if the agency does not think they should adopt (now, or ever) then they should not approve them. That is just cruel. If they do think they should adopt/are ready now, and 'renew' the approval, then they need to give them a SW who agrees with that decision.

I think they should not go into that meeting making accusations about the past, it will just turn into bickering and defensiveness and they can only lose. And the director will close ranks with their staff. They need to focus firmly on the future, on how to progress from here. Even if it means having to swallow patronising stuff that doesn't properly reflect their experience of what happened over the past years. Their only 'demands' should be, IMO: a) That they are given a clear answer as to if they are effectively still 'approved' or not; even if it takes going to panel again to answer that question. And b) if they are/if panel decides they are still approved, they should ask for a new SW who agrees with this decision and won't singlehandedly stop things from progressing due to their own reservations.

Good luck. It must be very frustrating. It's like a year has been 'stolen' from them, and now they are back to the start where they are hoping to be approved. Just feeling a lot more bitter about it all. It is very tough.

LookingforRainbows I am so sorry to hear this.

If your sister and her husband can find a child they might wish to adopt through Be my parent or Adoption UK's Children who wait (magazine and website I believe) they can approach the organisation direct. Their social worker will be approached to confirm that they are approved adopters but I would imagine they would be great demand.

I would imagine they could also speak to Adoption UK for advice if they feel they are being unfairly treated.

Please ask your sister to go along to an event such as an activity day with BAAF or an exchange day with Adoption UK.

www.baaf.org.uk/ourwork/activitydays

www.adoptionregister.org.uk/adopters/exchange-days

Please can I ask, does your sister know you have posted about her experiences on mumsnet? It's just my opinion but there is a lot of very personal information in your post on here and once you have read through people's comments I would be very tempted to ask if this thread could be removed. Unless your sister knows about this and is happy for you to post this.

Absolutely agree ItalianGreyHound - OP I know you are trying to help your sister but you are giving a lot of very sensitive information here.

Can I ask something that no one else has - what age range is your sister and DH approved for - if it's for 1 child under 2 that might be the cause of the delay as the need is usually for older children, (over 5) sibling groups and children with disabilities. Also I wonder if there is racism here. It was the case that adoption agencies should seek same race placements and many LAs were refusing to place black children in white families, but I think that's changed now and the pendulum has swung back to 30 years ago when black/children of dual heritage were routinely placed with white families. I'm just wondering if the LA don't want to place a white child/ren with a black couple. Just a thought.

Also the adoption social worker should be referring approved adopters without a match within 3 months to the National Adoption Register, and children awaiting placement should also be added to the Register if they have not been matched within 3 months. Adopters can refer themselves to the NAR (if you google NAR you can get all the information) Mind I think the NAR is a fairly blunt instrument in the sense that it's just a database and is managed by admin workers, who will look to consider potential matches. The children on the NAR will be children on a national basis who have not been matched with adopters in their own LA. and will I think without exception be older children, sib groups, children with disabilities/complex health needs etc. If you go on the NAR website you can actually see very brief details of the children on the register.

Lots of adopters find children on the BAAF website or Adoption UK in whom they are interested but the short profile given doesn't really give them very much idea of the difficulties in the backgrounds of these children. Much like the NAR if a prospective adopter contacts the above about particular children, their sw will be contacted and then she should contact the sw for the children and discussions will take place. Quite often there will be something in the background of the children that would mean that a potential match could not be persued.

As IGH says the NAR/BAAF/Adoption UK organise Exchange days in various parts of the country where all approved adopters can attend and see details of children awaiting placements and talk to their social workers. I believe this method has a good success rate in terms of matching.

In fact if you're interested I've recently posted comprehensive details about matching children for adoption on another thread. I've forgotten the name of the thread but I'll have a look and come back. Just might be helpful. I think it would be helpful if your sister had a list of Qs for the social worker about the steps she has taken to pursue a match on their behalf. This is something tangible and would de-personalise the matter, though I agree it does sound like there is possibly a hidden agenda here.

Rainbow the thread I mentioned is in AIBU "That some is making up a law to stop me taking a picture of my child." the OP is Spero - it's a very long thread with many twists and turns but the post about matching is on P38 on 26th March 15.01 p.m. You might find it useful.

LookingforRainbows forgot to add (PLEASE do not say where your sister is) but if your sis is in a predominately white area, or an area with fewer black people then the number of suitable matches on cultural or ethnic heritage might be fewer.

At one of the events they would be able to go to stands (each area will have a table with info on it and people at the table, such as social workers and sometimes adoptive parents) from a variety of different areas. So the mixture of cultural heritages is so much greater than her local area. This is at an exchange event where a large number of children's details could be viewed. Perhaps 100s of children's details. I have been to one such event, feel free to ask me more.

The activity day would only have about 40 children (I think) and so if they were looking for a vaguely ethnic cultural match then it may not be such a good idea for them, or at least they should check this first.

The good thing about going to an event is you get to meet the child's social worker, plus sometimes also some foster carers.

It is my understanding that ultimately the child's social worker makes the final decision. Or at least did in our area. In our area the family finder would find, for example two couples or individuals, for the child's social worker to choose from. This is significant because if your sister feels their own social worker has not done a good job for them then by meeting the potential children's social workers they would be able to start to build a rapport with different children's social workers.

Good luck.

I don't know if this is of any use.

www.adoptionmattersnw.org/the-children-who-wait/

ITG the issue about same race placements isn't really relevant any more. Time was when some LAs were absolutely refusing to place black children with white families. This meant the black/dual/mixed/heritage children were being denied the opportunity of the permanence and stability afforded by adoption. It was always the case that there was a dearth of black people expressing an interest in adoption, though am unsure of the present position, nor of prospective adopters from the Asian and other minority ethnic groups.

I worked in a LA where 98% of the children were white UK and so same race placement wasn't an issue and if we did want to place a black child with a black family, we would be able to purchase such a family from Barnardoes. However in some of the London Boroughs, the stance on same race placements was totally inflexible. There is now more flexibility (though this is not underpinned by any legislation as far as I know) and I notice that the wording when featuring children from black/Asian and other minority ethnic groups is no longer stating that the LA is seeking a family that matches the ethnicity of the child. There was always a problem with this in any event because there was a general lack of understanding in LAs about same race placements e.g. A child of dual heritage (say black Caribbean/white UK) would be matched with a Nigerian family - on the basis of skin colour. Also children of dual heritage with one parent with white UK ethnicity were only being matched where both parents were black Caribbean, on the basis that this was a minority ethnic group. It became quite impossible in some cases as LAs would be seeking a dual heritage couple e.g. (Indonesian/black Caribbean)
for a specific child, significantly decreasing the chances for that child to be adopted. Some of these children for whom same race placements were being sought were babies and would be growing up with (usually) white UK foster carers, which was another anomaly.

I've been retired for 11 years so would be interested to hear about current trends (if that's the right word)

NN We adopted our son last year and so were actively looking in late 2013. We expressed an interested in a mixed heritage child and certainly got the impression, partly because of religion as well (we are Christians) that this was not necessarily the best match for the child.

My understanding is that mixed heritage and white/African/Caribbean/Asian etc adoption so happen but that there is certainly room for a black couple or a mixed heritage couple being seen as a good match for a child of a similar ethnic mix. This is not to say that white parents would not be a good match either.

I hope that makes sense.