Health Visitor Horror

[GirlsWhoWearGlasses]

DD had her 30 month check with the Health Visitor today.

To start with there was some other random person in the room on the computer, who wasn't introduced to us, until the woman who was carrying out the check decided to ask him to weigh in on something.

I made the mistake of asking her opinion on DD's tantrums and whether they are in the 'normal' range. Apparently she 'shouldn't' be continuing to hit us and she wouldn't do it if we were correcting her. She then gave me a leaflet which is common sense 101 and threatened us with a basic parenting course.

She also said that the reason DD's developmental delay is so greatly reduced is because of her 2 sessions a week at Nursery, aka the only time she's not with us. Obviously nothing to do with the fact that she spent the majority of her time before she came home in a playpen in front of the telly and nothing to do with the care and thought we've expended trying to support her in developing in every aspect.

To summarise - any problems - our rubbish parenting, any improvements - external agencies.

I'm telling myself that she clearly had no understanding whatsoever of adopted children and the issues they face, or of the kind of effort that most adopted parents put into helping their children maximise their potential, but I can't help feeling a bit teary.

Was she just a really poor example of a Health Visitor or are they normally so clueless? Seems pretty dangerous when they are in a position of responsibility and are supposed to act as an early warning system for potential issues.

Now chain-eating Jaffa cakes.

I have absolute horror stories about HVs.
YOu do NOT have to see them or listen to what they say.
One told a friend that raising her dd bilingual would mean she would speak neither language properly.
Another used to take pleasure in reducing new mums to tears.
Another said that my DS being agressive to his twin sis was obviously 'learnt behaviour'.
etc etc.
This one sounds a right piece of work. Do not worry. You DO NOT HAVE TO SEE HER . But also do not see parenting courses as the enemy.

Thanks Sunny, I know that technically you don't have to, but I suspect that someone refusing to take their child to their 30 month check would be flagged up as being uncooperative.

I'm not against courses. We go on regular courses - therapeutic parenting, lifestory work. It was the idea that the first stop basic parenting course might be appropriate, when we think so hard about every aspect of our parenting.

yes you do not want to be 'flagged up' but you certainly can request to see a different one.
Did you tell her about the parenting courses you already attend?

Girl, that's awful. What a thoughtless hv to make those comments. I'm not surprised you feel upset and teary. And it's bollocks - you are the catalyst for your daughters development, nursery is an additional tool you choose to utilise. As for parenting 101, rip up and bin - or ask the hv to explain her understanding of therapeutic parenting and how it's addressed on the course.
Is this your regular hv? If so, is it possible to get a new one that's got a better approach to your needs?
Please don't let her thoughtlessness undermine your self confidence.

I would ask to have an appointment with HV manager and say you have concerns that the team doesn't have sufficient training to understand the needs of an adopted child and could they facilitate this happening so they can provide the correct services as you feel they are out of their depth to assess your child. I'm a nurse and HV are like any profession where you can get ones with lots of experience and ones with few and good ones and poor ones. I don't think it's unreasonable to request this and as a manager of junior nurses I would want patients to alert me if they felt that they weren't able to provide a service due to lack of training! Good luck xx

Thanks everyone.

I was thinking that the 30 month check would be our last HV interaction - is that not right?

We have met her once before, she came to the house a while back. Her colleague attended DD's discharge case conference from SW and seemed completely out of her depth.

I guess I'm always wary about complaining about anyone in the whole arena of child-related things, with our eye on adopting again. Perhaps I've spent too long dealing with Social Workers.

I didn't bother explaining about the courses we've been on. She hadn't made any effort to make DD feel comfortable and I could see that she was finding it all pretty stressful, so I just wanted to get out of there.

Some are chocolate teapot territory. Mine gave me a leaflet on breast feeding my nine month old adopted son. My (gay) best friend's HV gave her and her wife (together, in the same room) a leaflet on contraception. Still makes me chuckle.

Yours is more serious, I am not making light. I like Chev's suggestion to make it less of a complaint, more of a learning opportunity (for them). With lots of broad smiles but a firm refusal to be fobbed off with the sort of basic parenting training you clearly do not need, as testified by your incredible progress. Tis a shame because there are some super professionals out there who really get it. We spent ages with a lovely GP at our practice who clearly had a great level of understanding in terms of my son's in utero exposure and the possible effects in later life, e.g.

Mine was worse than useless too. No recognition at all of attachment issues playing any part in development. Gave me a leaflet on controlled crying for my three year old whose sleep was disturbed by traumatic memories... When it got beyond a joke with some bossy suggestion about being "tougher" on DD to stop her being clingy (helpful...) I told them to eff off and emailed the GP and our paediatrician to say I would be happy to attend any checks with them, but I was not seeing an HV ever again. They were both fine with that, and in fact both apologised on behalf of the HV saying her approach was wrong and to keep doing what I was doing. Which, you know, I'd been doing anyway

Sorry you had a rotten visit, but in this instance you definitely know more than she does. If you have to see a HV again, as a minimum make sure it's a different one!

My first HV started taking a medical history of my family and failed to understand that a family history of cancer was unlikely to be relevant beyond lifestyle effects. She then asked of it was OK to note DD's adoptive status in her red book, as it was a transracial adoption it is more obvious than most. I soon learned to loathe her and find other, more informed and understanding, sources of support

DD was assigned a student HV (despite SW being told I had got that wrong as they'd 'never assign a LAC to a student!') - thankfully she was lovely but never really gave much advice. I deal with HVs a lot at work and some are great and others not - we have some proper old-school HVs who our families love and will probably refuse to see anyone else when they retire!

You shouldn't have to see a HV again though - until next time

I hate to stereotype an entire healthcare profession, but...

With dd1 (birth child) I only saw the HV once. She told me not to use a sling (a child DIED just last year on this very street, SUFFOCATED BY ITS MOTHER'S BREASTS). She told me that babies can't breathe through their mouths, so if my child got a cold I had to get her to A&E AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. She told me that my child would NEVER BE ABLE TO DANCE OR RUN.

Forgive the upper case; that is how she talked.

With dd2 (adopted), I only saw the HV once. I wasn't quite sure what to do with her, or her with me. She flapped around her breastfeeding leaflets aimlessly and we smiled at each other. I volunteered that dd2 needed a lot of cuddling at bedtime (of course she did, she was a newly adopted 11 month old). HV offered a visit from the sleep specialist. I said, well ok, but not if it was just about controlled crying (which I wasn't prepared to do); however, if she had any specialist advice for newly adopted babies I'd be interested. Sleep specialist duly turned up and gave me some photocopied sheets from an American leaflet about controlled crying (including genius advice on how to lock your screaming child into their room).

This is just one of the rites of parenthood; soon you will be sharing HV horror stories along with the best of 'em.

I'm an adoptive mum, and a HV. Like any profession you get good ones and not so good ones, but I will say this......the training we get on LAC and adoptive children is precisely none
I have put together 2 business cases for specialist LAC/adoption HVs for our county, but so far no luck.
I know I am a good HV, but I also know that part of what makes me good is my own experiences being an adoptive parent.
I know mumsnet hates HVs but I try to do a good job in really hard circumstances, at least 90% of my caseload is child protection, which is not only time consuming, but hugely emotive. I don't know if "universal" families always understand how little time I have to be a good Hv to them, this isn't right but it's the nhs and resources are very very tight sadly.

mcdog you sound amazing. I hope you get your ideas turned into reality re the specialist HVs for LAC, but also that a decent chunk of training for all HVs on the same issues takes place - otherwise we all know that the few specialists will end up with a massive load, and everyone else will think they don't really need to know about it Good on you for your approach.

An adoption health visitor would be a thing of beauty indeed. I've sometimes wondered if I could train to be one

In the absence of that I generally relied on them for the health based stuff and when I needed a referral, and went my own route for the more adoption specific stuff.

I think mcdog is right about the lack of specific training, but the new service spec for health visitors has a greater emphasis on attachment and social/ emotipnal development so there may well be change.

You sound like you're doing great. I won't tell you at what age DS stopped hitting out in a tantrum In the toddler years I found a judicious combination of Christopher Greens Toddler Taming and people like Caroline Archer and other attachment based writers got me through.

PS I was lucky - our HV is lovely.
Shame DS hates professionals and hid down the garden from here whenever she came ...

From her!

OH mcdog, now I'm feeilng very ashamed . I HAVE met some great HVs, but only in a professional capacity.

It would be amazing to have some HVs who specialise in LAC. Now THAT I would have really appreciated.

We were lucky. Have seen hv many times (lo is now 4 and been home 9 months). We were allocated one who visited all the lac children in the area and she attends lac reviews etc.

PC keeps crashing so quickly!!!! In my experience our Health visitor was great with our dd (birth child) and I only saw one once with adopted ds and she was lovely and fine.

Sounds like your one is a bit ignorant, how can she possibly know what has accounted for any improvements in developments in your dd???

If you are worried about tantrums, behaviour etc, please do as for post adoption support.

If you do decide to do any parenting course make sure you do one that is good! I am not saying you need to do one but I have been a mum 10 years and have done 8 parenting courses! Some better than others. Family Links Nurturing course was excellent and specialist adoption parenting courses ('Adopt' one and others) offered locally and free were brilliant.

There is nothing wrong in getting parenting help if you need it and I must say I need it! But what exactly you will learn, or may need help with is something you find out over a period of time not in one quick HV experience!

So try not to worry about what HV said but if you do want some help do go to the right place and specific to adoption will always be best.

I am sure you are doing a great job.

Hugs.

ask for not as for!

Don't be ashamed devora, you've not had good experiences so you are fair to believe that HVs are useless!!!!

It doesn't usually bother me that we are a hated profession, but I sincerely wish that "normal" families could understood how little time I have to give to them. It's totally rubbish, and not acceptable in the slightest but child protection will always come first in my priorities, therefore, sometimes I have to give families a rushed service to compensate. To give some perspective, I have 450 children on my personal caseload and work 28hrs a week.

I love working with LAC and adoptive families, but currently I am just a bog standard HV so unfortunately they will end up with the same rushed service as everyone else

mcdog, I have only ever had good experiences of health visitors. Like you say, there are good and bad. But maybe the thing is we see health visitors when we are at a low ebb often, kids with behavioural problems, our own parenting crisis (MY situation I am talking about) and when there are vaccinations or whatever and screaming babies and all. So it must be hard at those times if things are going wrong, for both the HV and the parent.

Oh dear , I sympathise. I've found that health visitors , doctors , and teachers have no idea how to help adopted children.

I really regret listening to the advice given to me by a health visitor when I mentioned DS's tantrums and night terrors. He had only been place with us a few months and was 13 months old.

She told me to leave him to cry at night and to ignore the tantrums ( this was so hard as he was banging his head against walls and any other hard surfaces he could find)

So I let him cry at night - and of course it worked in that he quickly stopped the night waking and the night terrors. 8 years on though and I'm left to wonder if the emotional issues he struggles with now were caused by me leaving him to cry at night.

The tantrums and head banging stopped after I ignored them but now he binge eats when he's upset.

There really is so little specialist help available to adoptive parents and their children.