Sudden change in behaviour

[CloserThanYesterday]

DD is 25 months and has been home 9 weeks now.

Just for a bit of background ... she was with a wonderful foster family from a few days old and had strong attachments to her main carer. She was very happy, socially confident, developing normally, pushing boundaries and throwing strops in the usual toddler way, but generally a happy little soul.

During intros and when she first came home she coped really well, and appeared to settle and bond with us quickly. We've been really strict with funnelling in the early weeks, and limiting visits from our large and over excited family!

Over the last couple of weeks we've been seeing more of my mum and dad. LO loves seeing them and has had a couple of afternoon naps there which have gone fine. Last weekend, we spent Sat night there for the first time, for birthday/Mother's Day celebrations that weekend. We knew it was soon for an overnight stay, but we planned to leave after lunch the following day, have a low key few days at home afterwards etc. She had been coping so well, that we honestly thought it would be ok.

The other thing is, she had had a sickness bug earlier in week which I ended up with over the weekend, and then DH caught at the beginning of the week, which was bad timing and probably unsettled her too.

On the Sunday, it was like a switch had flipped, and ever since she has been like a different child. Oppositional over everything, crying and throwing tantrums almost hourly, and our SW came yesterday, who she normally likes to play with, but she clung to me the whole hour and cried when I got up to make tea, even though I took her with me.

I've read lots of books on toddler behaviour, both adoption related, and non, and the advice is so conflicting.

I just wondered if anyone recognised this kind of issue. Is it purely down to making a mistake by staying away from home too soon? The end of the 'honeymoon period'? Or am I overthinking it and she is just 2 - growing up and testing boundaries ?

My gut feeling is that it's a combination of all of it. She's stopped talking about FC this week too, which seems significant.

I just wondered what the adopters here thought?

It's tricky because 9 weeks in you really don't know her well enough to know what the underlying cause is - you haven't seen her deal with enough different situations to know.

Judging by DS's reactions I would say that the two things which derailed him most in the early days was change of location and me being ill. He still (at 9) struggles with me being ill, it really destabilises him. But every child is different.

You will never know what caused it to be honest but you do know that if she's being clingy around people that she previously wasn't then she is feeling insecure so back to funnelling again! At least for a little while until she settles down.

After 2 years with one family and only 2 months with another she's probably still wondering what happened to the old one and any hint that things are changing will make her wonder if you are about to go next.

How similar was the visiting your mum and dad to intros? Gradually seeing more of them then staying the night. I wonder if she subconsciously recognises the pattern especially if a social worker then turned up!

I think you already know the answer. It sounds like you took them away far too soon. To be honest I'm surprised the social worker allowed you to. We didn't stay anywhere away from home until four months in and it was still too soon for our son. He was a nightmare for weeks after a two night mini holiday.

Also, all these events may have indeed triggered the end of the honeymoon period for you.

Stay strong. It won't last forever. We had oppositional defiance on and off for a year but the first wave was definitely one of the worst.

Hi Closer - sorry you are going through all this. The problem is - we can only guess what causes changes in reactions. It could be because of the change; it might not be. My guess is - it probably is.

We adopted our DS when he was 2.5 years old. We didn't take him anywhere for the first 3 months and then for the next 3 to 6 months - limited it to only my parents' house and 2 of my friends house. We were cautious but also going with the advice we had been given. Even now - nearly 18 months into placement, he does not stay at any house other than ours - even though this has caused logistical nightmares. We think he has a reasonably secure attachment to us (though am never really sure how you KNOW) and seems very happy but the one occasion we tried to do a sleep over at my parents house he had a huge meltdown.

Incidentally - he has been fine on holidays but we have deliberately chosen hotels because it seems less like a new home.

I think 9 weeks is far too soon - I know it's tough.

We had a huge "switch" of behaviour after 10 months. It was like dealing with the devil child. It brought me to my knees and then 10 weeks later - he switched back again (he was not very verbal). The switch I am almost certain was caused by me going back to work part time, and my DH suddenly disappearing for 10 days (DH's father died v unexpectedly and he doesn't live in this country or this continent). I am convinced his trigger was that...

I agree with Kew, she sounds like she's become insecure in her little world due to the combination of events that have happened in such a short time. You and your DH's illness probably caused her a lot of anxiety as your routine was scuppered and along with the overnight stay which you know was too soon she sounds like she's struggling a bit. A few weeks of funneling will hopefully improve things.
My DD struggles with me being unwell too.On the thankfully rare occasion that I have been ill her behaviour has changed for a while. She's 3 in the summer and was placed at 16 months. She also struggles with my DH's unfathomable shift pattern (as do I!) and can be a bit of a handful when he has a run of off days as I think she gets anxious about when he's going to disappear again.
Ps, there probably is an unfortunately timed element of "normal" toddler behaviour with your DD as well which is magnified with her anxious behaviour on top.

Thankyou so much everyone. You've all confirmed pretty much what I thought - it was too soon. I could kick myself for letting the veneer of coping well fool me, I knew it was too soon really!!
Luckily she does seek comfort from me (not so much dh), so we are having lots of cuddles and quiet time, sticking to the places she knows when we go out, and no deviation from our routine.

Kew - on reflection it probably did remind her of intros with us - and then all of a sudden waking up somewhere new again must have been scary.
Odyssey - you're right about the SWs allowing it. Both our SW and DDs SW have been quite gushing about how well she's doing, and seem really relaxed about us taking her places etc, which I think contributed to us feeling more confident than we should!

So far today, we've had tears over taking her dummy out, going to the shop, only being allowed to buy one Peppa pig lolly, leaving the shop, falling over in the park, leaving the park, not being able to get her trainers off by herself, spaghetti hoops falling off her spoon ... and now she is having a much needed snooze, replenishing energy stores for the afternoon session!

Thanks for all the good advice, and for sharing stories - it's good to know we're not alone, and that there is hope!

Closer - she'll come through it. Pleased that you are able to cuddle her. I think we can all be lulled into a false sense sometimes. I remember thinking after 6 months - phew! We don't have poo smearing....and month 10 it started...with avengence. Then, I thought - "gosh, we are so lucky. We haven't had any issues with sleep..." Month 9 it all started and he has not slept through one night since...

Sounds like a combination of all of the above - but at least her clinging to you, and having strops with you, shows that she is building a secure attachment to you

Just an extra thought. I know a lot of adoptive parenting theory but we are still waiting for a match atm so can't speak from adoptive experience. We do have a young bc though and tbh I felt that the first 3 years were just a series of phases and constant adjustments. Obviously you've got loads going on with a relatively new placement but even without this she could be going through a growth spurt, coming down with a bug, learning new concepts that unsettle her etc. Our bc was constantly changing at this age. We'd have a lovely couple of weeks then suddenly something would shift and the next few would be really tough. Sometimes there was a clear reason but other times nothing obvious, so don't worry and over analyse too much. It sounds like you're already forming a good attachment so hang in there, ride out the highs and lows and you should be fine :-)