Thinking of adoption seriously but concerned our family set up will not be approved

[Toots38]

We are seriously considering adoption but are worried that our family set up will not get approved. Can I run it by you all to get your views? I couldn't bear it if we started the process then got turned down.
DP and I are very solid, 12 yrs together, home owners . We have one Dd who is 4. Dd has an undiagnosed life limiting genetic condition, hence the move to adopt, the risk to any other children having the same condition is too high. Dd requires 24 hour care, we get support at night and she will shortly go to school.
I'm concerned that we May be turned down due too DD being too demanding on our time. We'd love a bigger family. DP works and I am a stay at home mum. We are both well and are good people( we think)!
What do you think? It would be a massive massive thing for us to go forward to adopt, I couldn't handle being turned down, I'd rather know now.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a scenario where you'll be able to know before you contact SS.

Yours is a unique situation where your experiences give you something that will help make you a better adopter but at the same time the time you have to devote to an adopted child, who will likely also have additionl needs that need additional time, is not as good. It will depend on an assessment by the adopting agency or at least a lengthy chat . Also, as an added point, if you were looking to adopt a very young child/baby, some areas in the country have 70 adopters waiting who you'll be compared to, which I only mention because you say 'you want to know now' and you could be in for a long wait.

If you can bear the possibility of a no I'd go to an information evening and ask. They are often worried how adopters will cope with a child who has issues related to their past/adoption or potential for issues, and you have demonstrated experience of how well you've coped when a child has additional needs! This is a bonus so it's worth exploring, if you can take the possibility of a no.

I'm sure they'll be others along with more experience and better advice but my LO's were snacking and I thought I'd message :) Good luck.

I know of a family in a similar situation who are foster carers. I know that isn't what you were asking, but maybe it means that it is worth a conversation with someone?

I suspect it will be hard for you . As others have said, you need to check with an adoption agency . But it's just the first hurdle to get approved - after that you need to be able to convince a childs SW that you are the best possible family for that child out of all the others who are interested .

They are not the slightest bit interested in meeting your need for another child who isn't affected by this condition. Although your situation isnt that common, it's not unique and all families come to adoption from a point of loss .

To be frank - a child who requires 24 hour care doesn't leave a lot of time to meet the needs of an adopted child

You would be bringing a child into a home which is totally focussed around the needs of their sibling . Everything has to be planned around them - hobbies, schooling, holidays, days out etc . That's not a very attractive proposition for a placing SW .

As your childs condition is life limiting, the adopted child who has already faced so much loss would then have the loss of a sibling , and have parents who were consumed by grief . Then they will have the burden of being their parents only surviving child , and the weight of responsibility that brings .

while you are thinking about adding to your family , you might want to explore other options, such a use of donor egg and /or sperm. I suspect that genetic screening isn't a option for you if your childs condition is undiagnosed .

Hi Toots38, I hope we can help you get a better picture here.

I'm not sure whether you mean 'turned down' later on in the process or at the first conversation, but I imagine that a chat with a social worker during pre-stage 1 (you attend an info evening and then a visit at home from the social worker) should clear things up alot for you. I know it's hard sometimes to even do those things when you feel vulnerable, but you won't be officially applying at that stage and they will be able to give you a much better idea of whether you can move forward. Our SW that visited us in pre stage-one and basically told us that if we applied we'd pretty much go straight through to panel (barring any hidden surprises on our part, obviously!). Now that could be because of the life situation we're in, but what I'm saying is it gave us a good idea of whether they thought we were a good prospect. It costs them so much time and money to assess prospective parents so they can be quite selective before the process even starts.

To clarify, by 'life-limiting' do you mean that she can do less than other children, or that she has a shortened life expectancy? If the latter I imagine the SWs would be concerned about the major impact that that loss could have on an adopted child already coping with major loss and trauma, and how you would cope with parenting a child requiring special attention whilst coping with this. I'm no specialist, but I hope this helps you on your journey.

Thanks for all the replies. There are some really thought provoking points above.
Life limiting does mean a shortened life expectancy, so yes at some point we will have to deal with the unimaginable.
I suppose I was thinking we would love a big family, our dd would love a sibling and as I am not planning to return to work I would have a lot of time for a new child. We cannot safely have any more children. But maybe we aren't the right people to take on a child with a tumultuous start in life either. I don't really know what other options we have to expand our family as the genetic condition could be from either parent.
Thanks for all your input.

A hard place to be x
Have you looked at donated egg and sperm possibilities? Then it's not at issue which parent is carrying the faulty gene as would miss both out? If you're open to adoption then I'm assuming neither of you has an issue with not being your 'blood' offspring; may be the answer you need. Best of luck with it all

adarajames I have thought about the donated eggs and sperm possibility briefly, I am struggling to find any where to discuss this with families. Thanks again for all the answers.

Hi - this site may help www.dcnetwork.org
Good luck with your decisions.

toots I am so very sorry to hear of the condition that is affecting your daughter.

I have no idea if you would be elligable to adopt but if you wish to find out you must speak to someone in your county couoncil or local authority adoption services of a voluntary agency.

No one here will be able to garantee a 'result' either way but we can certanly talk around some areas of the subject.

If you dd is at school part or full time then you will have some time to devote to a new child but eventually both will be at school and the time to be 'shared' between the kids will be the after school and weekend time.

The points made by others about a child who has suffered loss and trauma entering a home where there are significant needs and possible loss of a sibling are not things you can get away from, but I do think it would be good to discuss it with professionals. It would also be good for you know and be able to say how you would prioritise the needs of both children.

In your shoes, if money were available I would want to consider either the use of a surrogate or fertility treatment with donor sperm and egg or donor embyo. If you will need donor sperm and egg (as your post suggest the medical condition could come from either of you) then I would say treatment with donor embryo will be much cheaper. Your best bet is to consider treatment in a clinic in the UK and also to look at clinics overseas. I know people who have tried treatment in the USA and Greece and when we considered this we were looking at Spain. I am happy to talk more if you wish to pm me or ask me here.

Just for the record we have a 10 year old birth dd and we had treatment with donor eggs to try and have another child, (sadly it did not work for me - probably because of immunology issues with my body).

I am VERY happy that now we have a son who joined our family by adoption. We do have quite a demanding dd and the relationship between the two of them is sometimes great but at other times hard.

If you are healthy in terms of carrying a pregnancy you may be able to carry a child created by donor egg or donor sperm or donor embryo and would be able to fit that child around your existing situation more easily than an adopted child (IMVHO).

PS we had treatment in the UK with Care Fertility Clinics (they are a chain). We chose not to go to Spain for a number of reasons which may not be things you consider.

Spain looked good as the wait was short and the costs relatively low.

However, if you do need to wait any length of time this may be a time to prepare as best as you can for the future new child if the treatment is successful. The age limits on fertility that normally affect women are not an issue with donor embryos or eggs as all donors are relatively young.

I have a friend with a DS through embryo adoption in Spain after investigating all possibilities including adoption.

I think the issue of setting an adopted child/sibling group up for a major loss from teh start may be one that the childrens social worker may struggle to get their head around when matching.

Certainly my DS who was adopted young (12 months) does struggle with loss and separation and it isn't uncommon with adopted children.

I do sympathise with your position. MN generally have so many posters that you can generally talk on here to someone who has been through whatever you're considering so do search on here as well as talking to the DCN linked above.

Good luck.

Embryo donation is sometimes called embryo adoption and is similar in the sense neither you nor your partner are genetically linked to the child and for me, the child already existed (as an embryo) before you came along, where as with sperm, egg or sperm and egg donation you choose to create the life. IYSWIM.

However, in terms of trauma experienced of course there is none so the issues, and social worker involvement are not there.

In Spain the child would have no right to know anything about the biological donors except for exceptional circumstances I believe (e.g. medical). In the UK and USA you would have the chance for the child to trace them when older, if they wished. This is how it was a few years ago. No idea now.