Tell me I am wrong

[chundercatsarego]

We got a diagnosis of MFI I'm December. DH 100% wants to try IVF but I am not sure. I don't think adoption is the easier option, but I do think it might be the right one.

I've always thought about adoption anyway. If I was single I would do it, no doubt. I come from an awful family, 6 kids, minimum 3 dads, maybe more. Men in and out of our lives. Mother emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. Elder brother and sister spent time in the care system and luckily I escaped by getting a scholarship to boarding school at 16. I have fantastic friends and feel I have built my own family and made my own life. For this reason I believe I have a lot of empathy to offer. I also do not place a huge value on blood relationships but those based on time, shared experiences and trust.

DH is very keen on his own bio child.

I am not sure IVF is the right route. I've found TTC tough and feel like spending thousands of £s on something so invasive, stressful and unlikely to work might not be the right choice, might result in more pain and heartache and eventually lead to the same outcome.

We have talked about this a lot and DH would be devastated if I said no IVF.

I do realise adoption is not the easy option. I know these kids come with issues and problems and its very different to having bio kids. But still, I can't get passed the feeling that adoption is the right choice, for us and our future DC.

Another consideration is that I just cannot fathom having a single child. IVF is so invasive I don't know if I can do it multiple times. I'm not sure I'd want a bio child + an adopted child as I think they might be treated differently people which would drive me loopy. And there are so many sibling groups needing placing, I love my siblings to bits and this sea like such a good thing to do....

So go on, hit me....give me the reality check I need- tell me IVF and bio children is so much easier and adoption is not the right route...

[ConstanceMoan]

Another consideration is that I just cannot fathom having a single child

Why not? My DD is adopted and our only child. Why would that be unfathomable to you?

[chundercatsarego]

I am one of 6 siblings, and DH is one of 4. Its all we've ever known and what we want for our family. No slight on single child families, just outside the realm of our experience. As my parents are so shockingly bad and my brothers and sisters have relied on one another since birth pretty much, it is one the relationships I prize and hold most dear. Totally born put of my own experience though and no reflection or comment on anyone else.

[ConstanceMoan]

Well, I'm one of four kids but happy with my one Dd. Good luck with whatever you decide. Have no experience of IVF so hope someone will be able to advise you better.

[chundercatsarego]

Well that was helpful, thanks

[chundercatsarego]

Thanks Maryz, what you say makes a lot of sense. You are right about MFI and ICSI too. DH does think this can all be miraculously fixed by money and science. I am not looking forward to seeing him go through devastation of it not working if it gets to that

I know SWs will massively probe on my past and I know that I will find that incredibly rough, it is a worry for me.

You are right about the time thing too. I've been processing infertility and potential options from 6 months in to TTC whereas DH has only just started. I had also already thought about adoption in the past too so am streets ahead in that respect, so I do need to give it time.

[mollypollly]

Hi OP,

I don't have any personal experience of either but I do know from friends that IVF can be a very emotional and trying process...but I also only know of success stories (6 out of 6 conceived, 4 on the first go)

One thing that stood out to me from your post was that your reasons for wanting to adopt are all based on your experience, what you feel you can offer to an adopted child-which sound lovely...but what about your husband? He doesn't sound as though he could offer the same commitment, and it's understandable to feel that way. I do think it's a very natural thing to want your own biological child.

I couldn't tell you the right thing to do, but I think whatever you choose needs to be 100% backed by both of you otherwise it could lead to resentment later down the line.

Best of luck with whatever you decide x

[YouAreMyRain]

I was in a similar situation to you. My DH (now ExH) wanted a bio child. Our infertility was unexplained. I didn't want IVF. I suggested adoption, he was against it. I waited for him to be ready and to bring up the subject of adoption again (18 months), then we applied.

At the moment you would not be considered if your DH is not 100% on board.

The preparation process is long and invasive. Forget any privacy.

I never tried IVF but adoption is hard work. It's much harder than I ever imagined. Exhausting and relentless. My exH couldn't cope and we divorced. I have two adopted DD, both were considered "normal" when they were placed as toddlers but now have been diagnosed with significant learning difficulties, one is now having weekly psychotherapy through Camhs.

I wouldn't change my DD and I love them to bits but they are quite far from what would be considered "normal" and it can be really isolating when none of your friends and family understand the issues.

The adoption process will explore your childhood in depth. They will need to know how it has affected your attachment and consequently how that may affect you as a parent. Also adopted children can be very triggering and can bring your own unresolved trauma to the surface.

I now have a naturally conceived bio child too (freak accident with new partner) and having a mix of adopted and bio is great. In fact most adopted families that I know personally have a mixture and it's fine.

Good luck on your journey.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

I've had a different past to you but a past no less that led me to believe it was almost meant to be that I was to adopt due to my experiences affecting what I had to give, everything else you've said were EXACTLY my thoughts, it's like you've taken the words right out of my head/mouth. Like you also, the idea of just one child was inconceivable, not for everyone else, there's nothing wrong with having an only child, it's an ideal scenario for many of my friends and their children, but for me I just could not picture our household with one child in it.

Like you I was all for adoption and my other half just thought IVF was our next step. He was at least up for the idea but he wasn't sure, I knew he would need time to consider it so I gave him a few months to research it where I wouldn't mention it, with the agreement we wouldn't do adoption if he didn't want to and we wouldn't do IVF if I didn't (I'd have backed down, but I knew he wouldn't if it was a no). Luckily for me he really did do his research and actually signed us up for our first info evening! We now are parents!!!!

However, adoption is hard, don't underestimate it, particularly if you adopt siblings. I have always had an amazing relationship with my husband and we've had some tough stuff to deal with that due to our strength as a team we've got through, but this has been something else, it really has and our children don't have that many adoption related issues in comparison to most. If we weren't such a strong team, difficult times I fear could turn into potential separation, you cannot enter into this unless both of you are 100% into it, with no regrets.

There is going to be the odd moment in the first few months where you're exhausted and problem X that is related to the fact your child is adopted and not your birth child is causing an issue/tantrum/extreme behaviour and you think oh god, did I do the right thing? You get over the moment quickly (and feel a ton, A TON! of guilt for even thinking it) but if he's not on board he probably won't get over that moment and it will be a downward spiral. So my advice is let him make up his mind but if it's still set on IVF don't pursue or try to persuade (SW will suss this out pretty early on in assessment anyway and you won't be allowed to proceed).

On a positive note, I know of positive cases of adopted children in the same family as birth children, it's quite common. I also know of loads of people IVF has worked for and if it doesn't and your husband grieves that loss he may then get 100% onboard with adoption and you'll end up back on this path...what is meant to be and all that..

Good luck with whatever path you end up heading down and you never know, with a bit of private research he may do an unexpected u turn, mine did after all

[Barbadosgirl]

We also had MFI. We actually would have needed a donor and actually my husband was all for adoption but didn't want to "deprive" me of the chance of carrying a child. I thought about it and best I can say, it didn't feel right which I guess is about as useful as a chocolate teapot to you! V glad we went for adoption, but equally glad we talked researched and decided together. If neither of you are ready for eachother's preferred path, keep talking and keep an open mind. You cannot push your husband into adoption but neither should you be pushed into IVF. I echo what others here have said, you have some super experience for adopting. Also men find it ridiculously hard to talk about this stuff. My heart ached for my husband, he still has not really explained to anyone by we adopted.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

I was writing such an essay lol a lot of the others have said the same thing, sorry.

Just an added point...If you look down the adoption discussion topics, (last post 11/3/15) to 'going from 0-2' you'll get a much greater insight into adopting sibling groups...

[chundercatsarego]

Thanks everyone... you are telling me what I already know but it is what I need to hear. I know DH will have to be 100% on boars and he is nowhere near ready yet. I don't think he ever will be unless we give IVF a go first, which makes me a bit sad as if we are somehow keeping adoption as our back up

It's lovely that you think I might be suited to adoption, for what its worth I think DH would help complete the tools we'd need- he's grounded, he knows what 'normal' is and what good parenting looks like, so I think we could make a good team. Not yet though!

[chundercatsarego]

Sorry, I hope that last post doesn't offend anyone, adoption for me is certainly not a back but going for IVF first makes it seem that way iyswim.

[yogeek]

We were in a similar situation to you, DH was more enthusiastic than me about IVF which we did unsuccessfully. Later on we went to a get together with families who had already adopted and that really encouraged DH towards adoption. Maybe when your DH is ready you could meet a group like that who would give you lots of information.
I agree with others who have said that what you have become as a result of your past is very positive. The SW and psy. are looking for your ability to be résiliant and to help children to be surivors like you have been. A mother who has coped with difficult situations is exactly what a little one needs who has already had a difficult start to life.
I have 2 adopted daughters, who are a joy. It was hard work at the beginning when they were both toddlers. I did get help from a pediatric psy. who encouraged them to share!! Mine are 10 months apart.
I wish you all the best. Follow your heart and give DH time.

[iwishkidslikedtomatoes]

Again words right out of my mouth lol.. my DH also perfectly complements me with his good parenting blueprint to share :)You're right, it's a good balance that works.

And while I get why you'd be worried about wording, the reality is adoption is the 'back up' option for a lot of people. In my prep group all had been through IVF bar us so it's more of a factual statement. However, those who go on to adopt and now have children, post grieving that loss, wouldn't have it any other way :) And for those I have met who've been through IVF and not been able to conceive but go onto adopt are a stronger couple for it and the experience is a further way of understanding loss which helps with raising adopted children :)

[scandip]

My Dad had a low sperm count and so he and my Mum adopted. He resented me all his life. Your husband has to deal with his fertility issues first, be it through IVF or counselling further down the line.
An adopted child has already experienced rejection once so must be really wanted by the adoptive family.

[Italiangreyhound]

Off on school drop off so can't stop for long but will look in later.

Quickly - I agree with many comments by others but in our case DH was quicker to get on board with adoption as I wanted to try more treatment. I was primarily the one with the problem.

We now have a birth dd (IUI with hubby) and we have an adopted son. Anyone who treated our kids significantly differently would be quickly out of our lives! The fact one is a boy an one a girl and here are almost 6 years between them mean that they probably do get treated a bit differently but ds is more calm and academic! (at 4) and dd is rough and tumble wild child!

Ask me anything you like (if you like) I had IUi and IVF and IVF with donor eggs (and I found fertility treatment much harder than adoption BUT I do think you need to listen to your DH, you need to both be on board for whatever you go for and you can do IVF first and then adoption but the other round is harder if not impossible!).

[QOD]

I'm infertile and failed clomid and IUI but then a friend offered to have a baby for us via the turkey baster route .
woukd he consider sperm donor? It's no different at all to my situation and makes not one jot of difference to me.
we had a social worker for a bit whilst waiting for our parental order (like adoption but for surrogate situations) who actually said "why didn't you just adopt" which was probably the most ridiculous comment ever
I'd second trying the ivf because your dh may then be ready to move on to adoption should it fail


FYI I didn't go for ivf, was offered 2 free goes on nhs but i always had this "knowledge" I'd never get pregnant. My whole life I just knew so I went straight for it which weirded some people out