Not updated for a while (removed the MN app from my phone because I spent too much time on it 
) but my LA did a training day recently based around this book/philosophy which reminded me of this thread, so I thought I would update it.
DD1 has been fairly calm for a while but her behaviour exploded on Monday. I was driving her to an appointment and she became really distressed, grabbing the steering wheel, trying to knock the car out of gear, throwing things at the windscreen, kicking and punching the glovebox/dashboard, hitting herslef in the head etc - all in rapid succession until I could pull the car over safely.
Anyway, I channeled BP, she asked why we had stopped and I calmly said "Its not safe to drive at the moment so I'm waiting until its safe" and comforted her as much as she would let me. Plenty more extreme behaviour followed and I was recognising my own feelings, breathing 4/7/8 and responding rather than reacting my way through it all but after bed time I was a nervous wreck and really upset.
The next day I had DD1 continuing and then DD2 started up with her extreme defiance, screaming "I hate you!" "stupid!" "ugly!" throwing stuff just general awfulness and as I was still feeling fragile from DD1s previous and ongoing behaviour, I decided to "BP" DD2 as well. I thought "just try not to shout" "just get to bedtime without shouting etc" I find it harder with DD2 because to me its obvious that DD1s distress and rage comes from fear but DD2 is just full on defiance, laughing in my face, provoking me and it is really hard for me to see her as fearful when she is appearing so cocky! I thought I would just try it as BP says that all behaviour issues come from fear. Anyway I gritted my teeth, ignored her defiance and provocations, breathed, reassured her that I loved her over and over again. Within a few hours she was volunteering to help me get the table ready for tea and apologised of her own accord 
I said to her "When you shout that you hate people and that they are stupid and ugly, that really hurts me" and I touched my chest as BP would. She just sort of melted into me in a really powerful hug which was lovely.
I have been focussing on being calm, being present etc and so far I have coped and seen improvements in DD2. I couldnt work out what her fear was, and then I thought "she's being so unlikable, I think she's afraid of not being liked!" so I said to her "You know that I like you and love you no matter what you do?" etc and that seems to be working with her.
I heart Bryan Post!
I cant wait to hear him speak at the adoption UK conference in November.