Adult Adoptee

[FleaRiddenFucker]

I'm a middle aged adult adoptee.
I know this probably sounds mad but I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I was given away as a tiny baby. You would think that after 40+ years I would be fine with it by now, right? The real kick in the teeth is the fact that my birth mother had two children very soon after I was born. In fact there was only eight months between me and the next baby but she kept that baby. I keep wondering what was so bloody awful about me that I had to be given away. She must have wanted a baby because she had another one straight away. She just didn't want me. Her circumstances couldn't have changed dramatically in two months surely.
Anyway, it's quite therapeutic to type this, I've got nobody in real life to mull it over with. I'm looking for some kind of therapy, support groups etc to help me come to terms with this.

Hi I can understand how angry and rejected you must feel although I have never been in your situation as all my children are precious to me. Have you ever spoken to your mum about this and asked her why? maybe you could get some answers.

Thank you for replying. I've had patchy contact with her over a few years. She doesn't really have any answers that I think are reasonable. She said that she and her husband wanted to travel and a baby would have got in the way which was why she decided to have me adopted. But then she had another baby and didn't travel anyway! It just doesn't make sense to me. Can you imagine giving a baby up just because you fancy a couple of holidays FFS!

I've always known I was adopted and I had this notion that my birth mother must have been really young and forced to give me away against her will. That was a complete fantasy but it helped me understand WHY. Anyway, when I found out the real circumstances I was utterly crushed, I still am. My own children are my whole life, the centre of my universe, I just can't understand why a mother could give away her baby just so she could travel a bit.
Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening x

There are some adult adoptees that contribute to this board. I am sure one will be along soon.

Have you been struggling with this all your life? Have you looked at post adoption support services? When did you find out about her other children?

I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I have adopted and am actually thankful that BIrth Mum hasn't had any other children, although my DS was not relinquished.

Really hope someone will be along soon with better advice.

I'm an adopter not an adoptee, though I do have friends that are. I'm sure others will come along that will be more able to understand your situation and give better advice than I could. I do know that as an adopter we were taught in our training that it may be that the parents of those we adopt could go on to have other children which for various reasons they keep and this is always one of the hardest things our adopted children will have to cope with as it raises all the questions of 'why could you change for them but not me', but it will be your mum's issues/circumstances/place she was in her life/support she had and it will have absolutely nothing to do with you as an individual (and I say that having read tons of children's profiles and their reasons for being adopted), but some stranger just stating that is not going to make you feel much better and I do think the time frame for you must make it so much harder :( I do hope you find the support you need to heal. Sending virtual hugs.

Anyway my reason for posting ....Interestingly a birth mother just posted about PAC, who support birth mums but also adult adoptees so I post to share that:

www.pac-uk.org/our-service/adopted-adults/

Sorry, I was posting while doing 100 other things so took ages and see you've posted in meantime. With that explanation given I can see even more so why you're struggling to come to terms with her decision. Have you ever had counselling? I've had counselling for trying to come to terms with decisions made by my own mother that affected me negatively but seemed, well selfish and crazy on her part to be honest but the counselling helped me immensely.

I've self referred to Mind for counselling but they have a six month waiting list so I'm going to find someone to go to in the meantime. I've never been able to talk about this. Every time I try I just get so upset I can't get the words out. Typing this is very therapeutic.

I'm an adult adoptee also.
I think the answers we are given by birth parents will never be 100% true, according to mine I saw snatched away and forcibly adopted. My adoptive parents told me otherwise and I know who I choose to believe.

It will never be about why we were not good enough to keep, my birth parents had three more children, the bottom line is they made selfish choices and lost us to the families we were truly meant to be a part of.

I couldn't agree more that is a very lame excuse at best and doesn't really explain anything maybe your siblings could try to get some answers for you if you are in contact with them but in the meantime sounds like your a great parent.

It doesn't sound at all mad to me. It sounds totally normal.

You should be able to access post adoption counselling services which would help you to explore how you feel with someone who has experience of adoption.

I will say that it is remarkably common for women who have children removed to get pregnant very quickly - I'm not even sure it's a conscious decision. I guess its the need to make things right somehow, very bluntly a kind of do-over.

Maybe your BM wasn't in a dramatically different place a few months later but maybe she felt compelled to make it right by doing it differently with another child. That isn't helpful to you and I hope what I've said doesn't sound too clunky.

The one thing I certainly know is that you only have to look at any new born to know that they don't do anything to deserve anything! They just are. If nature could work out a way of doing it they'd still be incubated for another 3 months so babies really aren;t fully formed beings with any ability to do much except exist. Any decision made are entirely driven by the adults involved.

Some people really aren't capable of being a parent and babies need parenting immediately, sometimes the reasons people aren't capable of parenting are temporary - PND, youth, lack of empathy, lack of choices, domestic violence, lack of support, drink/drugs etc can all be overcome. Even something as basic as selfishness can be overcome - perhaps the subsequent pain of relinquishing a child had a significant effect on your birth mother?

All of which is still grim for you to deal with.

I know in her 60's my Aunt still has unanswered questions about her adoption despite having met her birth mother. But she is content with what she knows and what happened to her so you certainly can with time and thought move to a place that is more settled )if you see what I mean)

So many cross posts to my rather hastily flung together post!

Consult you local adoption team for post adoption support they should be able to point you in the right direction. Norcap used to do counselling prior to meeting birth parents which you can know see why its generally considered to be essential prior to contact!

These days adoptive parents are warned not to gloss over the reasons for adoptions "Oh they loved you so much they gave you away"

Do you have a decent relationship with your adoptive parents?

Thank you, I can't tell you how much it has helped to just get this off my chest.
My birth parents were married when I was born and they still are. It would be easier for me if she had been a teenage single mum. I'm not in contact with the rest of her family. The two siblings don't want to meet me. I've met my birth father only once and I took an instant dislike to him. I think I'm subconsciously blaming him for their decision to have me adopted. I've met my birth mother a few times, always in very public places, cafes etc where it's difficult to have such a deeply personal and private conversation. Plus I know as soon as we start talking about this I'll be an emotional wreck.

I think your feelings are totally normal and understandable. You've experienced a huge rejection, probably the worst kind of rejection a person can experience.
I think relying on your birth mother for answers and assurance will not work. Your healing must come from within you. Counselling might help.
And it's important to remember that you were a tiny baby, what happened was not your fault, adults made those decisions.
I hope you are able to find some resolution.

I was adopted as a baby. My BM went on to have 3 sons starting a couple of years after I was born.

She'd had an affair with a married (black) colleague and became pregnant - she still lived at home with her mother, who apparently forced her to relinquish me.

I was the same as you, as in finding out that she'd had more children shortly afterwards caused me some upset - I wondered whether she'd have kept me if I were white for example.

I have met her once, we got on fine. I have a good relationship with one of my half-brothers also.

I had some counselling through After Adoption, and then further privately with a therapist. This would be invaluable to you I think, I hope you can sort something out.

'Talking' to you all has really helped, thank you for listening. I'm going to try counselling. The first counsellor on my list has no availability until May, I can't wait that long so I'll keep looking.

Someone asked about my adoptive parents. They are both dead. My mum died when I was eleven so I was very close to my dad. I couldn't have wished for better parents so I don't know why I can't just draw a line under the whole thing. Anyway, thanks again, this has really helped

Your relationship with your adoptive parents isn't really related to your feelings about your birth parents. Its like siblings - having a good relationship with one sibling doesn't infer anything about your relationship with any others.

I get on well with my sister but my brother is a total fuckwit and I have virtually no relationship with him. I'm not suggesting for a second that is the case with your birth parents!

I asked about your adoptive parents because they sound like they totally loved you and they seem from the little you've said that they were pretty normal people. So it obviously wasn't you, you were obviously totally lovable and thats the opinion of two people who you (presumably) value the opinion of.

Try the After adoption action line www.afteradoption.org.uk/are-you-adopted-adult-or-birth-relative/adopted-adults/counselling-and-support-groups

Hi flea I'm adopted too and understand a lot of what you feel. You want to 'draw a line' under the circumstances of your birth but I think that's incredibly hard unless you have the full picture. It doesn't sound like you do. Your BM sounds avoidant in her choice of places to meet. Is there a chance you haven't been told correct information on your bf. Did you feel you looked like him at all? I realise that physical resemblance is not a great marker of parentage but might raise questions if you are not at all like him.

In my experience BM do sometimes avoid the truth to protect people or themselves. My BM skirted around issues of parentage, she said things that made me close down my questioning. I didn't realise at the time I just felt our contact was full of awkwardness but as an older person now I can see that she gave dismissive responses so that I wouldn't keep up a line of questioning.

I wrote to her to ask questions and she replied but even then her answers were inconsistent and it leaves you questioning everything. I also have 2 possibly 3 birth siblings, one who was kept and the other 1 or 2 also adopted. I am glad I was one of those who was adopted (which I have to say very quietly out of respect for my BM as she is now dead and I feel awful being disrespectful towards her.) But I benefited from loving, open, honest parents and I look at her life with confusion. If you didn't like your bf and haven't really connected with you BM perhaps you also feel glad about the decisions made?

But the lack of clear truthful information is incredibly frustrating. I had that for years until meeting siblings and bf. Maybe over time bits will come from her to fill in the gaps.

So you have two full siblings; same parents? That is exactly what happened to me. I was told it's quite rare really as generally if they are staying together they keep the baby (us). I have actually found it more difficult to deal with as I have got older. People seem to think you 'get over' being adopted but I don't think I ever will. I didn't have a very happy childhood which I don't think helped and my relationship with my birth mother has always been up and down. I don't really have any advice but I do know how you feel and you are not alone xx

My birth mother went on to have (and keep) my brother exactly one year after my birth.

She died before I could get any answers. I do know that she refused to hold me after I was born. I guess she just shut down any emotion she had.

I don't think it's uncommon for mothers to replace the baby they lost.

I did meet my birth father but found him overly needy but wanting to keep me secret. He did not tell his family about me but expected an invite to my wedding. Yeah right!

His loss, he's missing out on two wonderful grandchildren for keeping me his dirty little secret.

That being said, the rejection has coloured my whole life and I still find it hard to understand why she kept my brother but not me. I guess I'll never know

It's hard but life goes on

FleaRiddenFucker I am so sorry to hear your story. I am an adoptive mum to a little boy who was not relinquished, he was removed from his birth family. They were simply not able to care for him, although maybe if they had changed they could have. I am sure that one day he may question why they could not get their act together for him.

If and when he does say this I know what I will say, or at least I think I know. I will tell him it was really not about him. He is amazing, incredible and wonderful, and I feel pretty sure all of you on here, who are sharing your stories of being relinquished or adopted, are just like that.

So I hope my little boy will be able to understand that sometimes other people can do, or fail to do, things which are incredibly hurtful, and damaging, and they do them for all kinds of reasons. But the actions of those other people, birth mums and birth dads, are (as other people have said) not because of the child in question. I am a birth mum too, my dd is 10 and I love her greatly even though she can be quite challenging. Loving her is not about always feeling love but about doing what she needs. I am fortunate that I have the finances and support (from my amazing dh and my friends and family) which have helped me to be the mum I am to both my kids.

I'm not trying to make excuses for your birth mum, FleaRiddenFucker, or anyone else's. I am just saying that there might be a whole host of reasons why a woman chooses to give a child up for adoption. And it might be that the pain of that loss haunts the woman so much that she either gets pregnant again soon on purpose or finding herself pregnant is not able to go through the pain again and chooses to keep the next child she has.

I agree with gabsdot45 that you must find peace in yourself about this. Although it is a massive thing to do, can you ever forgive your birth mum for this action?

If this is an inappropriate comment, please ignore it.

theforgivenessproject.com/

I just feel if you can forgive your birth mum for her decision, then you can begin to move on, and realise this is not your fault, it is not about you.

Forgiveness does not mean that what the other person did was OK. Maybe it was OK or not, maybe it was the only thing they felt like they could do at the time, despite what they may say now. But forgiveness doesn't say anything about the person who did the thing or their motives; it says everything about the person who is doing the forgiving, that they no longer want to be welded onto that pain.

Forgiveness is not necessarily a religious thing. I am a Christian but it was actually someone who I don't think was at all religious who told me that I could choose how to react to things that happened in life. I didn't believe it then, and it has taken me years to realise that it is possible.

You sound like an amazing, loving mum. I hope my boy grows up to be a great parent, he is 4, he has his whole life ahead of him, I hope I can fill it with love and joy, but I can't change what happened and he will deal with that when he is older.

If you guys have any breakthroughs, please do share them with me if you are willing to.

And if I have said anything offensive or difficult, please, please do ignore me. I have not been in your shoes. Bless you all.