Feeling just..... low

[RaspberrySnowCone]

I think it's because mother's day adverts are plastered all over the bloody TV. I hate it anyway because it's a massive shitty gimmick but my mum loves to make a big fuss over anything like this anyway and wants to do something. I feel overwhelmed and have just burst into tears at an advert of everyone receiving gifts from their children. I don't even know what the advert was for!

We've been approved since early new year, nothing more than empathy from SW and we've made a couple of enquiries on adoption link but heard nothing. It just feels like it will never happen and this last few weeks has been a struggle trying to keep myself in check to the point where I don't go in the room we painted up ready as requested by SW to be sorted by the time we went to panel. I know it's early days but this is much harder than I thought it would be, from moments of not being to worried to then being overwhelmed. It's a horrible feeling.

It will happen. I know completely how you feel, it feels like it just around the corner, then the next corner, another corner, guess what? One more corner! Endless bloody corners!! Then it happens, BAM! and you will be so busy you will forget all the waiting

Hang on in there

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I'm starting to think this won't happen. Been approved since November. We've been to an exchange day and made several enquiries on adoption link, with no results - and before they changed the AL system we were usually one of 50-80 enquiries. Nothing from our LA. In reality it feels as though we're not needed - children aren't being put forward for adoption. It's hard to have gone through all this for nothing...

Thank you. DH is being a bit of a knob and is stuck in 'we just have to get on with it' mode. I just want a cuddle and he's not overly sympathetic to be honest. It does feel like an endless journey. I'm just frustrated and scared that it'll never happen.

X-posts MoJangled.
It does feel like we aren't needed. After being told that young adopters were badly needed whatever else, just to have nothing at all for weeks after approval is just such a kick when you're down.

I'm in the same boat. We were approved in January, day after approval we were sent a profile, had meetings arranged to meet the child's social worker and it all fell to pieces.
Nothing since.

Got to admit I thought the getting approved was difficult.
Nothing has come from the national register either for us.

I think we just need to keep on hanging in there

We aren't on the national register yet, Just the local ones. It's bloody hard, the not knowing is the worst bit. If someone said 'right, you will have a child in March 2018' I'd actually be ok with that, it's a long way off but I'd have a time frame. It's the not knowing that I'm finding hard.

Yeah I agree, it's the not knowing bit which is the worse.

Our SW got us on the national register due to what happened with the link we had (was quite unusual what happened). We havnt had much luck from it though.

Have you spoke to your SW

Feeling for all of you. I managed a Fostering & Adoption Team for my last 15 years (out of 30!) for a LA but have been retired since 2009. Can I ask what age range you are approved for, as this may be one of the reasons for the wait, which I have to say is by no means unusual and for all of you it's early days..............I know, it seems like for ever, but I think social workers should be a bit more honest about the probability of a wait, especially if you are hoping to adopt a child under 4. You probably know that the biggest need is for older children, sibling groups and children with disabilities.

Can I ask are you all approved by the LA and not a voluntary agency. The reason I ask is because the LA will always try to ensure a match with their own adopters first, as this is the most cost effective way and I'm afraid money is an important issue, given the depleted budgets.

MOJ can you tell me what the "change in the AL" system is please? I'm out of touch these days! The NAR had only just started when I retired.

Sarah you were only approved in January! I think you'll find some people have to wait over a year, so I think your expectations are a tad unrealistic, sorry!

The other thing is that it is the child's social worker that has the responsibility of placing the child, and so will make the decision about the adopters if there are several potential matches. Good practice dictates that the Adoption SW and the child's SW will collaborate in this part of the process, and IME that was usually the case, but not always.

But above all I honestly think it is early days for all of you. I'm sure others will be along to say how long they had to wait for a child, but it will happen. Not sure if you already have birth children or not, I suspect not, so hope you are not sitting at home waiting.......if so maybe do some volunteering - at a Children's Centre, or Primary school?

I do understand that it can take time. As I said we had a very strong link straight after panel and that seemed to all happen really quick however now things have slowed down.

Sarahlux - we had an early link that fell through too. We had a three way meeting with the childs SW and everything, had a date for the matching meeting then got told that the childs FC wanted to apply for special guardianship for them and keep them
It was a few months before we got shown any more profiles. Very frustrating because I wanted to carry on looking straight away but looking back we needed time to grieve because we had become attached to the idea of that child.

It will happen. As Nananina said give yourself a year.

It took us 8 months to get a profile through for our now DS. We were with a VA. Within 2 weeks of being approved, there was a possibility but it fell through as the FCs wanted to adopt the children.

The wait felt an age...I do completely sympathise. Hang in there. A couple of months really is nothing.

The only slight caveat to what I say is whether re B-S and Re B have changed things. Spoke to my DS's SW the other week and she said she had about 50 approved adopters but no suitable children.

My DH and I are thinking of doing it all again but when I hear statistics like that it somewhat puts me off...

Sorry - I just realised my post come across as not v helpful. I do think 2 or 3 months is nothing and when it happens - it can all be very quick.

A relative of mine adopted in November this year - or rather the children came home in November. They had been approved for 15 months and then suddenly ended up having to choose between 2 sets of siblings! They were exasperated with the wait and felt very down but of course, now they feel it was all meant to be.

Don't put your life on hold (however hard it is not to). Do pack in as much of stuff that you couldn't possibly do with a child (like cinema! How I miss just going to cinema with DH!). Because your life will change and there have definitely been moments when I have wanted my old life back for a couple of hours or even an evening!

Approved 0-3 which we were encouraged to do having initially anticipated an older child. Realistically we know its early days and are prepared for the wait. We keep very busy and have loads planned in for the year so life isn't on hold, like I say it's the fear of the unknown timeframe. I also just worry that SWs find there is something they don't like about us and that's why we aren't linked. That's my irrational side though and that feeling that you're being judged but again, 99% time it doesn't bother me as I know it's so important for the match to be perfect. Sometimes though it just gets overwhelming and when it does it helps me just to get it off my chest!

It's devastating isn't it rain.
Something cropped up with ours and although the child's SW and our SW were okay with what had happened other people wasn't so it was a no. Don't want to write too much as it may out me as was quite an unusual situation.

We have had a couple more profiles since then but nothing suitable (that sounds horrible).

I know it can take time...am not a very patient person lol

Oh, it's really hard, especially at Mother's Day. I remember sitting on the floor in what is now DD's room, just willing it to happen. The room seemed so empty.

Waiting without an end date is tough. Sending sympathy. It will be worth it.

I think what you wrote RSC about the uncertainty of the wait is the real challenge. If you knew exactly how long you had to wait (even if it was years) then it would be easier to deal with.

Even if it's only been a few weeks or months it can feel like forever. When I was approved last July I was told by my LA that there were no children they had in mind for me at that time and to be prepared for a long wait. After only a few days it felt like I had been waiting for an eternity and I was constantly checking my phone and emails. As things turned out I was really lucky and less than a month later I got a call from my SW about my little boy (the couple who had been being considered had decided not to proceed with the match).

I still had a long wait from first hearing about him in July to bringing him home in December. As others have said the best thing to do is try and find other things to enjoy while you wait, do what you can to get the house ready etc.

Best of luck!

I think we all know how you feel. Before we adopted I used to spend mother's day in bed moping.
Tomorrow March 8th is women's day. My kids are from Russia and in Russia march 8th is a public holiday. All women and girls are honored. Boys in school make cards and give flowers to the girls. It's s much better idea than mother's day IMO.
Hang in there. Remember you are much closer than you were last mother's day. You'll get there.

Hang in there, no advice but you know it will happen. Just had friends wait a long time but they are now adopting just the child they hoped for. please try and be nice to yourself. Have a lovely time on Mother's Day in anticipation, lovely meal or whatever. My own mum has dementia now and we don;t really celebrate in the way we once did.

Maybe, make this year about your mum in anticipation next year WILL BE ALL ABOUT YOU.

Bless you

Thank you all. I've had a nice day and feel much better. Italian you're right, I still have s mum so we can do something nice, regardless of what next year has in store.
I still think Mother's Day is a rip off though.

The waiting is really hard (we waited 15 months between approval and hearing about our girls). You aren't in control, and have nothing much to do.

otoh, Mothers Day is very low key here. I get a card, and maybe flowers but otherwise it is pretty much a normal day. I don't think DD1 would have been able to cope in the early years if too big a thing had been expected of it (she was nearly 8 when placed).

This will be of no consulation, as I remember how hard mother's day was prior to our little ones coming home last year, but I'm not actually looking forward to it tbh. Having met birth mum I'm going to be mainly thinking of how hard it is for her as her first one properly without them and yes it was her actions that had them removed from her care but history repeating itself and all that makes it not her fault, if you get what I mean. So if I'm thinking of her then our children certainly will be, so I'm planning on quite low key here too.

We had a short waiting period and that was hard enough. We have friends now waiting a lot longer and it's heartbreaking. I really do feel for you. I know there are many people on here who were approved under the old system which takes ages but under the new system we were constantly told that it is likely children will be placed within 2 months of getting approved get ready, get READY! In that time B-S happened and changed everything so there will be some out there who've been given false hope (not on purpose) so it's even harder. I would hope SW's are now informing adopters of more realistic time frames. I do also wonder if there is a point where LA's stop putting people through approval, although it would be better for the children that do get granted placement orders if there are 100 parents to chose between not 50, so I get it would make sense not to.

I agree with everyone else though, when it happens, and even if you have to wait, it will! you'll have that 'we were meant to wait for this specific child feeling' and you won't care you waited, I promise.

Good luck to everyone waiting and don't lose hope x

I remember a SW saying years ago that we should look on approval as conception and allow 9 months! I really feel your child is out there just waiting for you.

However we broke all rules and we always identified a child before approval. Saying that we had children with SN and complex health needs

Good luck and please keep us updated.

Nana I can't tell you much about the change but Adoption Link (not the national adoption register) have capped the number of enquiries that adopters can make, and the number of links a child's SW can consider, at any one time - presumably a reaction against the 80+ competing enquiries on individual children's profiles that they were seeing. Just another aspect of shifting from searching for parents to fending them off!

It's nice to hear all the 'it will happen' assurances, but actually, I do think that for us it might not. We are only approved for a single child 0-2, because we have a birth DS of 4. DH will be 50 in October and most of the younger children's profiles we have seen limit adoptive parents age to 50. I understand why this is, but it looks like we have 7 months to adopt or we're out.

The SW were telling me that the change in the courts to be much more reluctant to grant adoption orders was only likely to be reversed by a tragedy caused by a delay to an adoption order. Even thinking that I hope the situation changes so that we can adopt is a total headfuck, because of course I'm not wishing for a tragedy or for children to be taken away from families. But I do wonder if I'll ever get my child...

Things are starting to turn around in my area somewhat - after no placement orders for ages there are loads of children nearing final hearing. However we have more than enough adopters in our own borough for the kids coming up, and our consortium (all local authorities) is heaving with adopters, so it should be easy to place all but the most complex children within our own resources. so fingers crossed to those waiting that you are in a good consortium just remember everyone that the national number of LAC hasn't gone down, it's just that a lot of children are being delayed by the court process (thanks, re BS!!). In the meantime, keep up with your reading and training ready to impress the social workers when they do visit