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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

A little reassurance please..

12 replies

Kazza299 · 04/03/2015 10:22

Boys have been home 7 weeks. Going really well, they are settled and happy. Started school (4 and 7 years old) and generally all going well.

However, Definitely taking the advice "fake it until you make it" though, as the 7 year old is SO annoying! Was really prepared for the big tantrums etc but was not prepared for the little things, the whining, the constant talk about video games, the constant silly lies, the fiddling with light switches, remotes etc ..... Argh!!!! These are not a big deal, I know but definitely not finding the love with him at the moment. It's hard work and very forced.

DH says he loves them both and wants me to talk to SW. I on the other hand am not feeling that this is too unusual. Lots of you have said that 6-8 weeks is the hardest and by 3 months ish, things feel different. So guess, as post says, I'm looking for a bit of reassurance that this is completely normal!

Thank you x

OP posts:
ConstanceMoan · 04/03/2015 10:30

Easter hols are not far off; any chance of getting away to countryside and or seaside for a week or few days? No video games or gadgets just lots of outdoor play (whatever the weather!) and having fun together.

Your feelings are perfectly normal. DD (adopted as a baby) is starting to get on my wick now (age 10) going on about Minecraft and, erm, I'm not sure what as my ears shut down whilst I try to fake interest. Goes with the territory of being a mum Grin

fasparent · 04/03/2015 11:08

Technology age both ours under 14 months, have fantastic new technology
motor skills, most toys, baby gadgets require fiddly operations , baby's are quick too learn and workout things quite quick as are older children, would not worry.
As mentioned have plenty fun and involve in other activity's out and about.

Italiangreyhound · 04/03/2015 11:20

Kazza sorry to hear it is hard. It is very normal so please do not worry.

I have to say my dd, 10 (birth child) is very annoying about a whole host of things and my adopted ds (4) is very annoying about a whole different host of things too.

My best 'advice' (although you did not ask for it) is:

Go easy on them - it is all so new and they are grasping for things that make sense of life, and if that was computer games before it will probably be computer games now (my non-professional opinion).

Go easy on you -find some relaxation be it a coffee and a chat with friends in the evening when kids in bed, special TV show, writing a journal, painting or whatever, find time to relax and recharge and also to have some time with your dh, e.g. a nice dinner at home after kids have eaten and gone to bed

Distraction - try and distract when things are very annoying, as your first port of call, before getting cross or trying to be firm etc etc.

Substitution - if they are playing with a very annoying toy try giving something less annoying and temporarily hiding the annoying item. you ahve to be a bit sneaky to introduce the new item, if you give them the new one straight away they may not want it, so make it look appealing - oh not sure if you will manage this painting set, shall I look at it first with out you... most likely they will run to join in and if they do not you can indeed look at it first and declare, it is just right for you etc etc! We had to hide ds's toy trumpet - WHY did we buy it!!

And my my best bit of advice is to find connection with your kids. Find empathy for what they have been through and find a way to enjoy them. Do things they enjoy and things you enjoy too. Whether t is making an ice cream sundae, gardening, walking a dog, painting etc etc.

This is a good little short movie (few minutes) about the difference between empathy and sympathy...

ConstanceMoan I think you are right that getting out into the countryside could be fun, my kids love wading in wellies in the brook or stream, pretending to fish with nets etc.

However, the children have been there only a short time and to spend night away so soon would be (IMVHO) too soon.

Our son was 3 when he came to us and we did not spend a night away until he had been with us almost 3 months. It was two nights at my sisters house and we made it a little holiday and he was fine, but many people would say that was too soon. We did it because we wanted to see family as it was the anniversary of my father's death and it flt right t see family at that time. Also he had settled in very well and had been away with foster family, who he was very settled with and had met my sister before we went to stay there.

Since then we have been away a lot to a caravan and a hotel. He has a ready bed and sleeping bag we take and his own plates and cups, plus teddies and books/dvds so he feels at home.

Once they are settled a night away can be great but do take it easy, we were ready to come home if we needed too and it can be harder if you ahve booked and paid for a hotel etc. Just my humble opinion.

Italiangreyhound · 04/03/2015 11:24

sorry...

and it felt right to see

WereJamming · 04/03/2015 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buster510 · 04/03/2015 12:25

Kazza, sorry to hear you're feeling this way, but it is usual. When DS first came home, like you I was expecting "typical" behaviours, tantrums etc. I was faced with the complete opposit, very compliant, very rejecting & very controlling! Certain things used to drive me insane! It's hard to even pin point them now as being so irritating. DH even said to me last month when DS was doing something "that would have really annoyed you 6 month ago", he was right, it would have. But as the love has grown so has my understanding & empathy. I almost really did not "accept" him for who he was, & felt these little "irritations" needed "fixing", possibly to my own subconscious expectations! As soon as I fully accepted him, things started to improve. Also, I do think you end up with a shield of annoyances which you just learn to accept the more they happen! (As difficult as that can be). I would say there is no harm in talking to SW, I always did, & still do. We have brilliant SWs who have received a lot of my offloading! Even if it's just to reassure you that things are going ok.
Like the others have said, try to get a little bit of me time where you can :)

slkk · 04/03/2015 14:28

Other people's kids can be annoying and he probably doesn't quite feel yours yet. Don't worry, he will! Try watching him sleep.

MyNameIsFled · 04/03/2015 18:08

We are in the process of stage 2 so my thoughts are relating to my 7yr old birth DS. He is minecraft obsessed and we have found common ground through the library minecraft clubs. I can see his enthusiasm and creativity and he gets to play without good old stampylongnose on YouTube.

crackerjack00 · 04/03/2015 18:25

9 months in here and feel the same about DD and DS.

The feelings are changing though, week by week.

I expected it to be 'thunderbolt', head over heels, totally in love from day one. One of the hardest things has been the realisation that it wasn't like that... And actually actively disliking my children sometimes.

Maybe some people thing that makes me awful and a hard cow. I actually think it just makes me normal.

Kazza299 · 04/03/2015 19:10

Thanks, that makes me feel much better x

OP posts:
TrinnyandSatsuma · 04/03/2015 19:14

Kazza,
I'm by no means an expert, but from our experience, very normal.
I found I struggled with, and got irritated by the strangest things.
Some of his mannerisms, expressions etc just annoyed me.
It changed, gradually over time. It took months.
Please don't feel pressurised to feel anything other than what you are feeling. What you are feeling is OK.
Now, year and a half on from meeting our son, I can't believe how much I love him. It takes my breath away.
I think the fact it was a slow build, made it even more amazing when it came.
He was the same with us. It was about nine months before he perceptibly fell in love with us. Until then, I think he was also faking it. The level of love, affection etc was so different. Cuddles, hugs and a preference for us over anyone else.
Give it time. As much time as it needs. Someone said adoption is a bit like an arranged marriage. Love, real love, takes time x

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 04/03/2015 21:04

Just came to add my two pennyworth.

Our eldest was nearly 8 when we adopted her and her 2yo sister. I think you've had some great advice. Definitely distract away from the more annoying things, and stuff like video games will fade with time as you fill their heads with other stuff.

And things did start getting easier at around 3 months (though love took longer).

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