Another day another pregnancy announcement

[tea4two4three]

I have an amazing adopted DC and everything I ever wanted, my family is complete and it's perfect.
I was never the broody type, the thought of pregnancy was as a means to an end and the thought of labour followed by a flabby mummy tummy, sleep deprivation, breastfeeding, endless screaming and all that comes with a newborn made accepting infertility easier.
So why is it that whenever anybody announces their pregnancy I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and the forced, gritted smile, masking a lump in my throat and tears, appears?
I can understand why I felt like that during the shitty heartbreaking years of waiting for my family; but now I have it and could not imagine having it any other way. I thought I'd finally be able to be genuinely happy when people made their baby announcements but find myself deleting people off facebook when the 12 weeks scan picture pops up, and running away as quickly as possible when confronted with a fresh from the 12 weeks scan glowing mother to be. It takes me by surprise everytime and I hate myself for it, I not only feel miserable because I've just heard someone's 'lovely' news and it makes me sad, but I feel miserable for being bitter when I don't understand why. Is it because they've acheived something I failed to? I don't understand my own feelings and worse can't seem to control them and it sucks! I thought I'd be over this, make it go away!

How old are you now?

My family is complete, my choice, I still sometimes get sad and a lump in my throat about not having anymore ever. For me it's about it being an end of a chapter in my life. The years of early motherhood are closed to me.

I get frustrated that their journey seems so much easier for them. This journey is bloody hard work and although totally worth it there's nothing accidental or chance or easy about it. Friends of mine seem to want a child and then get a child. Sometimes that can seem a bit of a kick in the guts! Not sure if that's what you're feeling? X

Obviously a stranger on the Internet can't answer this for you but FWIW here's a thought:
Adoption is your normal, your everyday. And you are happy. But when you see those pregnancy announcements - presumably many more than you come across adoption announcements - you are reminded that your normal is not everyone's normal; and these people who are now presumably going to have a healthy, non-traumatised baby (though that is not a given) are , again presumably, never ever going to understand your normal, let alone join you there.
Not certain of course; their baby may be stillborn, or extremely preterm and spend it's traumatic first couple of months in a high dependency unit, or have significant special needs; and/or the woman may go on to experience secondary infertility, and who knows, may yet join you on planet adoption.
But right now it may feel as if this pregnant woman were leaving you and your reality/normal behind to join the majority normal without even being aware of what is happening.

I don't know. I find myself sometimes doing a double take when someone I know turns out to be pregnant again; then remind myself that that IS the way most people have their second child ;) (our first was born to us, our second is adopted)

Go easy on yourself. Chastising yourself for your feelings/reactions won't help. Can you accept those feelings without being critical about yourself? They don't mean that you are somehow not a good adopter or not right for your child.

Chev123 your answer just made me cry. I think you've hit the nail smack on the head. That's exactly what it is, the thought that they got it so easy and my husband and I struggled for years. I wouldn't change my family for the world, but if I could change what went before hand I would do so in an instant. I hope it gets easier with time as I can't stand that I take it so personally when sat listening to someone telling me about their superspem and partners instant impregnation ;-)
Thanks for your thoughtful comments, I posted then panicked I was simply going to be told to grow up and get over it. I actually feel relieved now and all it took was a post on mumsnet!

I've done pregnancy, and adoption, and our family is complete - it's perfect, we are very clear that we are done. And DH has had the snip to ensure it stays that way. But I still get a twinge when friends announce pregnancies (esp when it's number 3/4+). I've put it down to a bit of mourning of the end of "my child bearing years".

I have 2 adopted daughters and yet I feel like this too. I've thought a lot about it and i think I actually feel like I missed out by not being pregnant with our daughters. I wonder what it would have been like to have seen them on the day they were born and all those first moments....steps, giggle etc.

I agree as well that when people are pregnant or just have a baby they pretty much seem to carry on as normal....popping to shops or to friends house whereas our early days was in eggshells the whole time and nobody understood that. Not sure that makes sense?!

I have not adopted. My family is complete (in fact, the thought of having to look after a baby fills me with horror ) and still I get a pang when I hear about a new pregnancy or see a new baby.
Weird. I don't understand it about myself tbh.

So, so much more effort went in to achieving your family and you have every right to feel that that is unfair. It is. So many things in life are unfair.

I think maybe you could try to accept that this is how you feel and that it is what you need to feel? Give yourself some loving acceptance, feel your pain and when you can let it go (sorry to sound like something from Frozen ). Many painful emotions can be managed and get less intense with time if you allow yourself to feel them - don't push your pain away, you have every right to feel the way you do.

One of my cousins was adopted as a baby (he is now in his mid-40s) and I know that my aunt took a long time to accept that there was not going to be a pregnancy of her own. Thankfully she was able to talk about these feeling v openly - she cried over my DS1, but also smiled through the tears.

I hope you can find a way to live with this hurt

tea4two4three I really hope you will get over this in time or at least work out how to handle it in a way you feel OK about.

I have a birth dd (10) an adopted son (4) and have no desire to be pregnant again or to care for a new baby. But today one of my son's classmates poked my large round tummy with her finger and asked me if there was a baby in there! And just for a minuscule second I wished there was too.

I had a lot of counselling during my fertility treatment because we used donor eggs (which never worked) and this did help me to process everything.

I am not sure I can give you any guidance because for me it was a spiritual part of my journey. I am a Christian and I felt very angry with God that I had found it so hard (impossible) to have another baby biologically. However, I did not realise that I was so angry, I was suppressing the anger in a kind of bitterness! I had not really acknowledged how I felt! Anyway, I went away for a Christian weekend and the anger and bitterness kind of melted away.

So I guess I feel you can sometimes find some help in external things but the feelings are internal and at some point I think feeling a sense of peace about our lives is coming to terms with our own particular life. Genuinely coming to terms with it, which cannot be forced, others cannot make us feel it, and to some degree I feel we cannot make ourselves feel it! We can work through the feelings and sometimes the 'peace' can kind of sneak up on us!

For what it is worth being pregnant was awful for me! I nearly lost dd at 7 and 15 weeks, had a C-section, an infection, I could go into details, all pretty grim, and generally it was all pretty grim. But I was still 'desperate' to have another pregnancy and another child.

I am so much happier now my family is complete but I must admit I did feel it was complete before ds came because I came to terms with not having another child before we went into the adoption process.

Anyway, good luck, the best thing IMVHO is not to suppress your feelings but to think about them and work through them, and to also remember to count the blessings you do have. So being realistic about the pain you feel and still feel, or upset or whatever but also to feel the joy of the good bits.

The thing is that many people think (and they are wrong IMVHO) s that adoption doesn;t actually cure infertility. Adopted my adored DS didn't cure the pain of my infertility.

It would be a bit like your DH dying and when you remarry 5 years later people thinking that all the pain and grief of his death is now gone, wiped clean by a new partner. Of course it isn't like that. You can move on and be happy with your life but it doesn't mysteriously erase the pains of the past.

What does help is time.

From a quick review of your old threads, I think you have only adopted roughly in the past year? It was many years before I felt that I had totally moved past the pain of not getting pregnant even though i was totally happy with DS.

It took several years, but if its any help I did get to a point when I found out that someone was pregnant and thought "Oh how sad for them that they will never know the joy of adopting" To be fair I was in that loved up stage with DS at that point!

that adoption doesn;t actually cures infertility

I feel less of a pang relating to pregnancy as it never ended well for us, but our SW asked if I was "over" our losses. I don't think you ever get over losing a baby and I imagine the same is true of losing hope of getting pregnant.

OP, I think adoptive parents are brilliant. I had two myself.
They chose me and my siblings. They didn't have to decide what to do on finding out pg, in other words, like yourself they chose us.
That to me is worth far far more than anything else.
In all our cases the people who actually gave birth to us (different bms) turned out to be dreadful people.
I hope some wise people help you and you can overcome this.
Its being a parent that matters x

Just wanted to thank everyone for their honesty in commenting.

Lady i completely understand what you mean, i frequently look at the pics of my DC as a baby and wish i had known them sooner. There is also an almost feeling of grief that DC wasn't born to me, but for me not because i feel i missed out on pregnancy, but because i know a baby born to me would not have been subjected to any of the traumas many adopted children experience; and those still to come as they begin to understand their lives.

The loss that adoption is shrouded in overwhelms me at times and i think that is why i feel this pain when people get pregnant. I feel for my DC,what they have been through and what may lie ahead. It is not something 'the norms' will ever have to experience or understand and it makes me angry that my beautiful DC and so many others have to go through so much crap through no fault of their own. The grief/bitterness/resentment isn't for me it's for DC.

Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to reply, your comments have made me really think about what it is i'm feeling and get some clarity. I appreciate it as i find there are not a lot of people you can talk to about such things and have them understand and give heartfelt, non-patronizing answers xxxx