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Adoption

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Original poster

What do you say or think when people say

18 replies

Tangerineandturquoise · 27/02/2015 16:36

"well done"
You are doing an amazing thing
I couldn't love someone else's child/a child that isn't my own

I know the comments mean well- but they leave me slightly uncomfortable. It isn't what people often say to birth parents either.

OP posts:

Jackie0 · 27/02/2015 16:43

You could say " thank you, its a privilege really and we count ourselves very fortunate ".
It makes the point without hurting their feelings. These things are usually said with good intention.

Chev123 · 27/02/2015 16:57

I say of course you can, you love lots of people not genetically related to you. Your partner, your aunty/uncles partners, your partners nieces/nephews, your friends etc..
I don't respond to the well done or if I do I refer to the actual process because that certainly needs a well done to have escaped with a full head of hair and only a few additional grey hairs!
But end of day it's a completely unknown process/pathway until you step onto it! And most have no idea what to say but they're generally coming from a good intentions place!

youmakemydreams · 27/02/2015 16:58

Do they just say well done or do they say the next bit too?
I can imagine thinking maybe not saying well done but not for the reasons you have mentioned. More because the whole adoption process can be very stressful and fraught and I greatly admire people that go through all that to have a child. That may be clumsily worded but I hope you know what I mean. It has absolutely nothing to do in my mind with loving a child i haven't given birth to because I donhave children in my life that I do love like that as well as my own.

Kewcumber · 27/02/2015 17:15

"You're so marvelous/selfless/wonderful"

"Too damn right I am. For so many reasons I couldn't even begin to list them all"

"I couldn't love someone else's child/a child that isn't my own"

"Oh, couldn't you. There you go then. Coffee's ready"

Kewcumber · 27/02/2015 17:17

I do a little sorry for their DH's though - do you think they know their other halves don't really love them because they aren't "blood"?

Lilka · 27/02/2015 17:40

"I couldn't love someone else's child/a child that isn't my own"

"You poor thing. A heart transplant is your only hope"

"Really?! But that's the first symptom of a horrible illness called make-something-up...maybe you should go see your GP?"

"Me neither, other people's children are so annoying. Like your son, he really gets on my nerves. No offence"

"Oh that's alright, I can't love any children. Dislike every single one on the planet"

On a serious note, yes number 3 does annoy me, and I usually respond to the effect that my children are my own, and not somebody else's, and hence I adore them.

Buster510 · 27/02/2015 20:12

No tips on what to respond with. I normally just say nothing and people tend to stop there! I was asked in work yesterday if me & DH were going to "try for our own". Even our SW says your own!

UnidentifiedSighingObject · 27/02/2015 20:25

I got called "inspirational" the other day - I rewarded them by snorting coffee out of my nose all over their pale carpet. I think they were less inspired after that

WereJamming · 27/02/2015 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2015 22:31

Agree with Tangerine, Chev and LOVE *lilka's comments.

I must be seen as a heartless bitch as have never got a "well done"! Although I had had 'you are doing something wonderful.' similar to the 'You are doing an amazing thing' ...

I am happy with that! I am. And so is DH and DD, and so if my son ds who is adopted, he is doing his bit accepting us as parents. So I just summerise by saying "He is wonderful, we are the lucky ones."

It is normally well intentioned (in my experience, in my life).

And no one has said "I couldn't love someone else's child/a child that isn't my own." And if they did I would just say, he is my own!

And actually, I love my dd, who is a birth child, but if I suddenly found out about 'a switched at birth situation', I know I would not love her any less! I have had 10 years to get to know and love my dd, so for me it is not about being genetically related but about time together, and every day with dd and ds there is more time with them to love them more. My favourite song for dd was that 'every day I love you a little bit more' song.

As others have said, love is not about being related to people.

Italiangreyhound · 27/02/2015 22:35

Just so you know ds has a song too. It's .....

Sorry don't want to derail....

mytartanscarf · 27/02/2015 23:10

Your children are your children. I'm childish - I'd probably add, "OBVS!"

But I do think you're amazing. Because:-

Of your determination
Your ability to keep going through a process that isn't easy
Your fierce love for your children, even in adverse times.
Your dignity with idiots
Your kindness. I mean, how nice is this board?

So I think you're great! kick me now haha

kimistayingalive · 28/02/2015 09:00

Me and DH have always said actually we were rather selfish. We wanted a child and so we adopted one.
DS is our son and we love him the same as we would if he was born/created by us.

UnidentifiedSighingObject · 28/02/2015 09:32

Mytartanscarf you're allowed because you're right, this board is The Best

Italiangreyhound · 28/02/2015 10:51

mytartanscarf what very kind words. I am a selfish old broad, as kim says, they wanted a child, I wanted another one and 6 and a half years of intensive fertility treatment, some with donor eggs (so not embryo not genetically related to me anyway) and a LOT of money later and we were no further along. Less than two years and only a small cost in petrol to attend meetings (and we had to pay for the medical) and we were the proud parents of arguably the most beautiful boy n the world (Waits for Kew, Lilka et all to argue over that!)

BUT I agree with you, lots of adopters are brilliant and fight against the odds and deal with loads of shit! We were lucky we had fab social workers, smooth process and so far! a relatively simple time of it all (on a good day). But the premise remains the same adopters generally do a very good job, IMHO and the journey is not always as hard for some (so as not to put any prospective adopters off reading!)

Italiangreyhound · 28/02/2015 10:55

Sorry

... so embryo was not genetically related to me anyway...

And the premise that other people/friends say things for a whole range of reasons! So if people genuinely want to compliment me for nice aspects of adoption or if they feel I am doing things well then I can take a compliment. But if the compliment' is actually a ways of saying that it is impossible to love a child not related to you or that you need to be some kind of saint to do this ... then I do want to challenge ignorance. And maybe they are right, maybe they could not do it. The saddest thing I have heard is people (women) who would like to adept and say their partner (a man usually) would not want to because could not love their birth child and an adopted child equally. No offence to men, this is just my experience.

mytartanscarf · 28/02/2015 10:58

I think it's silly but I think what people fear is that because the child generally isn't a baby that their memories and loyalty will belong to their birth parents.

flightywoman · 03/03/2015 22:33

I hate "You're doing such a good job", and it's often from people I don't know well. Inside I'm saying "How on earth do you know?, You know nothing about me, my child or our life"

Outwardly I say "thanks" and force a smile.

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