What would you do about this Facebook share

[Kewcumber]

Some of you may have seen the picture that is being shared around facebook at the moment of a man with a 2 year old ish boy purporting to be his birth father.

Child will be 18 later this year and birth father is getting as many people as possible to share so that the boy will contact him.

I have no idea of the facts or even if its true (and frankly neither does anyone else who has shared it) but the presumed birth father had given first names of adoptive parents (and ethnic origin of one) and the child and the area he was adopted into so pretty identifiable.

I am massively uncomfortable about this for a number of reasons mostly to do with it verging on harrassment of the child, BF has no idea whether the child has shared the fact of his adoption with his friends and community and the child may not have made the decision whether he wants contact with his birth father yet but now its quite possible that others may put pressure on him to do so.

It all makes me squirm.

But I suppose my question is - do I go out on a limb and put a commetn on my friends link saying all of this?

I would private message your friend, or better still ring them and have the conversation.

Well at the moment I'm erring on the side of putting my views out there in public as so far all the comments are on the "Aw how nice for you if you find him".

Yeah right how nice that you might have blown the kids world up in his face.

I've seen it. My SIL shared it, which surprised me greatly as her own DDs are adopted. I can't imagine she would want their BPs doing anything similar in years to come .

I resisted the urge to comment however. I'm hoping it's a scam/hoax/fake TBH. If that lad ever does want to find his BF, I'm sure he can do so without FB forcing the issue.

Ah no, I would find it hard to sit on my hands.

Share this on your page standardissuemagazine.com/voices/think-share/

I'd ignore it, I think, as the net result of commenting would be to share it with lots more people, because of the way FB works

Martha - thats a really good idea. I could post that link urging people to think very carefully before sharing such intrusive posts

I would want to know people stood for DC and said that isn't right.
If you want to be reunited go through the proper channels and see what the DC wants.
Ultimately our children should decide, and actually how many lay people really know what options are open for birth family members to trace each other,I would educate on that route.,

I'm adopted and this literally makes me sick to my stomach. I would be horrified if I were the child in question. The decision to meet or not meet a birth parent should be a private decision, to be made with no undue pressure put on the adoptee. Splashing it out in a public forum like FB is despicable and is a terrible violation of the child's privacy.

That's horrible! I think I would have to say something. I'm a bit stunned that people can't get that this is wrong themselves - surely common sense tells a you this is a bad move and not to be supported??

Fabulous link Martha.... I will post it where needed... People jut don't understand adoption or engage their brains!

Great link, Martha - I've shared it.

OK I'm going to share Martha's link with this

"This is a very good article. But it doesn't cover the gross invasion of privacy of sharing identifiable details of a child on Facebook. Their friends, colleagues, neighbors, enemies and just a bunch of random strangers are about to discover some very private information about them at a time which might be totally inappropriate. It really isn't difficult for an adopted child in this country to get in touch with birth family if they choose and counselling is obligatory before this happens. How much extremely personal information about YOUR teenage child would you be happy sharing on Facebook?

Don't share details of children you don't know on Facebook. Share this instead."

Nice one Kew!

Good on you Kew.
I think sometimes people are just waiting for someone to say what they are thinking and then they will go in and support that rather than going in first.

OK changed slightly - I know its a bit wordy but I think people have a vision of adoptive parents keeping secrets and the birth parents valiantly struggling to make the truth known...

*This is a very good article. But it doesn't cover the gross invasion of privacy of sharing identifiable details of a child on Facebook. Their friends, colleagues, neighbors, enemies and just a bunch of random strangers are potentially about to discover some very private information about them at a time which might be totally inappropriate, they may have mental health problems, be about to sit A levels, be dealing with the death of a parent, grandparent or sibling.

The general public might not know that there is a statutory obligation for social services to produce a "later life letter" for every adopted child giving the circumstances of their adoption and including details of birth parents and other significant family members, birth records etc. It isn't within the gift of adoptive parents to decide whether to give this letter only WHEN it is appropriate. Many parents will share the later life letter significantly before they are 18 when it becomes accessible to the child/young adult in any event. It really isn't difficult for an adopted child in this country to get in touch with birth family if they choose and counselling is obligatory before this happens if they go through the normal channels.

How much extremely personal information about YOUR teenage child would you be happy sharing publicly on Facebook?

Please don't share details of children you don't know on Facebook. Share this instead.*

I'm not on FB otherwise I would share what you wrote.
People think of these things from their own perspective, so of course they understand the heartache of separation of parent and child, but most of them in their everyday lives have no insight or understanding of the circumstances that came to result in that guy being separated from his toddler-they have no idea of the life story which will influence if and when that toddler ever wants to see him again and in what circumstances, because the world that many of our children start out from isn't a world that many parents can understand.

Personally I feel it's very irresponsible of the birth father. I am planning on attempting contact with my birth son when he reaches 18 but I will do so through the local authority which placed him. This father should be doing the same. Or via the adoption agency involved.

It's the actions of birth parents such as him which makes contact harder for myself who only wants what's best for my son and right now that's me not being a vital part in his life. But maintaining letter box contact and not trying to unsettle him.

Knowing my DS as I do such an attempt to contact him via facebook plastering his family details across it for anyone to read would totally alienate him from his birth father (in this case). It would become obvious to him that BF knows nothing of his life, his fears and him as a person and frankly doesn't much care as long as BF gets his way. It all smacks a bit of bullying and grandstanding.

It woudl upset me as DS's mother because I could actually see it irreparably damaging DS's potential to have meaningful contact. It would be far better for DS to have contact at a time he feels comfortable with some counselling first and not all his neighbours and school mates having discovered all about it on FB.

It's all about the father's ego and his need for sympathy or attention. Not about his desire to see his child.

Kew good message!

I thought it was also a bit grandstand-y IYKWIM